October 19, 1996

I understand that some Texas Aggie is trying to take advantage of the Texas Freedom of Information law to get a copy of the University of Texas football playbook.

I think this is a bad precedent. If those Aggies get a copy of a book they might decide to learn to read and who knows what horrors these Aggies would visit upon our civilization, once they learn how to read. Look at how dangerous they are now, with those big swords and bad haircuts. And their band, as Keith would say, "Whoa Nellie". They look just like the Ohio State band except they don't have a marijuana leaf on the bass drum.

I remember when Bear Bryant was at Kentucky, before he went to A&M and worked 37 Aggies to death in summer two-a-days. Bear was looking for a copy of the Tennessee playbook, but old General Neyland got the best of Bear that day. The Bear did obtain a book and he had lots of mimeographed copies made (in fact his secretary was admitted to an insane asylum after she inhaled a bunch of the ditto fumes) and gave them out to his players.

The week of the Tennessee game came and, wow, what a sight. What happened at the game was totally unexpected. No, Tennessee still won 68-0. But the Kentucky offense mixed the best-tasting mint juleps this side of Biloxi Mississippi and the Kentucky defense made a gigantic angels food cake.

Both teams enjoyed one of the greatest feasts ever seen on a gridiron after the game was over and everyone in both states still talks about the time the two warring schools put hostilities aside and got 'faced right on the field. You see, General Neyland had sent Bear a cookbook which contained a bartenders' guide and the Bear was so busy watching film that he didn't even notice what was in the book and the Kentucky players made the best of what they were given. And now you know the rest of the story.

Anyhow, I think that Texas should destroy all their playbooks anyway (because they didn't help against the Irish or the Cavs in the first place) and replace them with "Hooked on Phonics" tapes. Then the Aggies could win their court case and get the tapes. Except the phonics would be all wrong on the tapes, so the Aggies would learn to read, but learn to read WRONG. This would ensure UT continued dominance over the guys from College Station, or at least limit the percentage of illiterate Aggie grads who become doctors in the remote reaches of the Texas Prairie.

Speaking of Texas, anyone seen the Pony?

See next Beeno post