1997 Week 6
October 3, 1997
Boy, we're finally getting into the meat of the college football schedule. The season is kind of like a sloppy Joe sandwich. Every time you feel you got a good grip on things you get slimy crap all over your hands and your clothes. No, wait, that's what happens when I sit back, slide my hand down low, and watch that Jenny McCartney show.
Speaking of Ms. McCartney, I hear her father Bill is having another one of them drunken stadium bashes in Washington. I don't understand the purpose of going to a stadium and getting drunk out of your mind when there isn't a football game going on. Someone showed me some tape of one of those meetings and all these guys were bawling their eyes out. The older guys probably were crying because they were told that Jenny would only be giving it up for the college football players in the crowd.
Everyone asks me from time to time, "hey, Beeno, which conference is really the best?" Well, it depends. Here's my view of the conferences so far in the 1997 season:
ACC: Odd number of teams, no championship game, half-empty stadiums, basketball schools like Duke and Carolina. This is not a real conference, they're playing that pansy bye-week ball. Most impressive win: Clemson 23, Appalachian State 12.
Big Eight plus Little Three plus Littler Colorado: Even number of teams, full stadiums, championship game, half the schools don't even have basketball from what I've seen. This is the best conference around. Most impressive win: Nebraska 38, Central Michigan of Florida 24. Most impressive loss: Texas 3, UCLA 66
Big East: Unknown number of teams, an odd number if you count Notre Dame, a completely empty stadium in Miami and a partially empty one in South Bend, no championship game, almost every school a basketball school--some of 'em don't even play football. The worst conference around. Points deducted for the worst mascots in creation--the ND leprechaun, the Miami duck, and the Syracuse orange testicle. Most impressive win: Syracuse 30, Tulane 19.
Big Ten: Odd number of teams, can't count, basketball schools like Indiana, Michigan, and Iowa State, full stadiums, no title game. Decent conference, but what's up with bringing back old coaches like Lou Saban at MSU? Most impressive win: Northwestern 24, Duke 20 (lousy half-court offense by Duke).
Pac-10: Even number of teams, crappy basketball, empty stadiums, no title game. Lousy conference. Most impressive win: Arizona 24, Alabama-Birmingham 10. Who's next, Dick Tomey, Georgetown?
SEC: Even number of teams, basketball schools like Kentucky and Arkansas, full stadiums, title games. Second only to the Big Eight + Little Three + Texas. Most impressive win: Arkansas 28, NE Lousiana 16.
WAC: Too many schools, too many divisions, too much hoops, can't find the stadiums, too many Utah teams that don't sell beer at the games or anywhere else in the cities. Most impressive win: Air Force 14, Idaho 10.
MAC: A bunch of schools, championship game, mass murderers like Randy Moss, fat cheerleaders, smelly mascots. Most impressive win: Ohio 21, Maryland 14.