December 3, 1999

We're finally at the end of the regular season, with just some of these fancy conference championship games left. All of the big rivalry games except for Army/Navy have already been played and that means it's time for many schools to look at the state of their programs.

That's what LSU did last month, when they got rid of Jerry DiNardo. I never thought Jerry was a good fit in Tiger country, he looked like a leftover child of Don Vito Cornholio. So LSU made him an offer he couldn't refuse and Jerry packed his bags and horse's head and was out of town in a hurry.

LSU had to look to their program's heritage. I'm famous for noting that LSU is just like Dracula, they do their damage at night, and it's clear that LSU officials are well aware of the occult associations of their school.

Therefore it was no surprise when LSU went out and hired Lucifer's spawn, Nick Satan. Ole Satan Nick just didn't fit in too well with the Michigan State Chippewas, his insistence on sacrificing a goat before each game rubbed a lot of those people the wrong way, which probably explains all those riots up there.

Down South people get upset if you're not trying to cast one of those Cajun spells before each play. And there's a fine tradition in the SEC of making animal sacrifices, as Coach Sherrill showed us a couple years ago when he cut several limbs off a cow and fed them to his defensive line, raw.

I just hope Nick remembers to keep that fluffy hairdo to hide his horns, it would be a good idea to keep his secret away from those fundy-mentalists.

But things should work out. Every time I accidentally tune in one of those news channels I see that Jimmy Car-vile guy and if that's the typical Cajun, they're already used to people who are possessed. So Nick Satan should fit in very well at LSU, as long as he doesn't try to change the team's colors to red and black.

The other big event during this lull in the season is the setting up of post-season matchups. The Bowel Championship Series is at it again, with their creative matchups.

You'd think they'd learn from the past, rematches in bowl games just don't cut it. So why put together two ACC teams like the FSU Seminoles and the VPI Cavs in the so-called championship game? They must be hoping for a closer game, but I see another FSU blowout.

Some of these other bowls made some odd decisions too. The Motor City Bowl invited BYU. Maybe they think those Moonies are going to enjoy wandering around Detroit trying to convert people, but most of those shave-headed airport guys are likely to end up addicted to crack. And I don't mean the drug.

Rule one of bowls: don't invite BYU. Their fans bring a 20-dollar bill and a copy of the Ten Commandments and don't break either one. I know I'd hate to have the Coca-Cola concession for their section.

I think the Motor City Bowl really messed up when they didn't invite Kentucky. Matching up BYU with its likely opponent Marshall was a bit odd. One school's a bunch of wild-eyed droolers with weird sex habits living in the mountains and the other school is in the MAC.

Kentucky and BYU would have been a more appropriate matchup, polygamists vs. bigamists, and they could have released Marshall to play in the I-AA playoffs, where they might stand a chance against those glorified HS teams.

In other bowl news, the Pac-8 actually decided upon a champion team to send to the Rose Bowl for the annual slaughter against the Big 10. Based on the fact that they actually stopped opponents from scoring TDs 25% of the time (a new league record), Stanford got the invite to Pasadena.

I don't see Stanford standing much of a chance, unless that all-cheese diet that Ron Dayne and his linemen are on leads to several heart attacks before January 1. But, heck, the Wisconsin line should be able to block that weak Stanford defensive front even if all the Badger linemen all have 50 tubes in them.

Well, I'm gonna sit back with a fridge full of Rolling Rock, a Lazy-Boy, and a remote control, and watch some football. Once I put on the Depends undergarments I won't have to get up at all this weekend.

See next Beeno post