December 21, 1999

You know that old song "it's the most wonderful time of the year"? I agree. Families get together, sit by the fireplace, turn on the TV, and watch college football for hours and hours.

I especially love it when everyone starts singing the beautiful songs of the season. You know, like the "Syracuse Orange Testicle Battle Hymn" Apparently the most popular version of the Syracuse song was sung by the company chorus of an electric power firm named AC/DC, with the immortal line "we've got the biggest balls of them all".

Anyway, we've already had one minor bowel game, the Las Vegas Bowel, which lived up to its name as the glitz of teams from happening places like Fresno and Salt Lake City really made for an exciting time for all 8,000 fans in attendance.

The fun will really start tomorrow, as we go through a 2-week period with 22 games, all of which will be on some TV station somewhere. You have to love this time of year. Here's how I see these games shaking out:

Wednesday, December 22: Mobile Alabama Bowel. East Carolina vs. TCU. Some people are claiming that this is a new game, but it's really just a new version of the Blue-Gray game. You'll remember that game, it was always played on Christmas Day, so after you'd opened a few gifts and downed a few egg nogs, you'd stagger into the living room and watch the best players on teams that didn't make it to the post-season try to smack the hell out of each other.

Most of the time we'd sit at home, drink a couple more egg nogs, and wonder why each team had 22 guys out there, so ratings kind of sagged. Now they've changed the format. Instead of inviting players from all the teams that no other bowel wanted, they're inviting two teams that nobody else wanted, TCU and noted NCAA expansion team East Carolina. Yawn city. Sounds to me like an excuse to start on the egg nog a couple days early.

Beeno's pick: East Carolina

Saturday, December 25: Aloha Bowel and Oahu Bowel, Honolulu. Arizona State, Hawaii, Wake Forest, Oregon State. Apparently this is like one of those college basketball holiday tournaments. They're bringing in four teams and they play each other. I'm not quite sure when the consolation and championship games will be played. Maybe they're not going to televise those. I also haven't seen the bracket yet. My guess is that Arizona State will beat Oregon State again in the opener and Wake Forest will beat Hawaii in the nightcap. Then I pick Arizona State to win the championship game the next day or whenever it's going to be played. This one's kind of confusing.

Monday, December 27: Cherry Bowel, Pontiac Michigan. BYU vs. Marshall. Now here's a matchup made in heaven. A bunch of scruffy mountain men who exhibit weird behavior against the finest team in western Virginia. This could be a big year for the Thomas Jefferson State. I see BYU collapsing in shock after their tour of the urban renewal projects in downtown Pontiac (they've probably never met so many lovely young ladies who wanted "dates").

Beeno's pick: Marshall

Tuesday, December 28: Alamo Bowel, San Antonio. Penn State vs. Texas A&M. Well, JoePa sure had a pretty lousy November. I bet he still has nightmares about Tico J. Duckett. And now he has to play A&M only 60 miles from Austin. That means it's like a home game for A&M. But JoePa will come through, I have no doubt about it. A&M shoudn't bother showing up, just send their orange-clad Longhorn band.

Beeno's pick: Penn State

Wednesday, December 29: Music City Bowel, Nashville. Kentucky vs. Syracuse. The home of country music hosts another matchup of the sophisticated vs. the rubes. I just hope the Kentucky folks aren't looking down their noses at Syracuse, that's not nice. Speaking of country music, I saw those ads that UK fan, singer Ashley Jugg, did for their club hockey team. Whoa mama. The Juggs are one of my favorite groups. I know who I'll be pulling for: Ashley and Winona Ryder Jugg.

Beeno's pick: Kentucky.

Wednesday, December 29: Holiday Bowel, San Diego. Kansas State vs. Washington. You have to feel sorry for Bruce Snyder and KSU, once again they go through the season with only one loss and they get stuck playing a not-nearly-as-good nobody in a minor bowel game. Maybe this year they'll actually manage to win. Ricky the Magic Pixie Neuheisel, he with the neck like godzilla and a body like Richard Simmons, has really turned around the UW program. Unfortunately, the way they turned around involved grabbing the ankles.

Beeno's pick: Kansas State

Thursday, December 30: Humanitarian Bowel, Boise. Boise State vs. Louisville. I don't know just how humanitarian it is to send a team to Boise for the holidays. Especially when their alternative is to be stuck in Louisville. Horse season is a long ways off in late December, not much else to do other than watch the river freeze. While this is a home game for Boise State in their oddly colored little dome, I see Louisville in a cakewalk.

Beeno's pick: Louisville

Thursday, December 30: Micron PC Weedeater Bowel, Miami. Virginia vs. Illinois. I never understood this combining sponsors concept. Why you'd want some bigtime computer company and some lawn care product joining together makes no sense to me, there just isn't any, what do they call it, sin-ergy (if you've ever seen Corso in Nawlins around Mardi Gras you'd see some *real* sin-ergy, that boy needs to take some salt-peter sometimes). Anyway, I see the Illini losing this one to the Hokies.

Beeno's pick: Virginia.

Thursday, December 30: Peach Bowel, Atlanta. Clemson vs. Mississippi State. This will be an interesting matchup of two "name" coaches, Sherrill and Bowden. Mississippi State had troubles with their offense most of the season, but there's nothing wrong with their offense that a game against an ACC team couldn't cure. Plus the Bulldogs will be inspired by their coach. I understand that Jackie Sherrill plans to fire up his team by taking the Clemson Tiger mascot and slicing off his testicles. I just hope the guy wearing the costume has medical insurance.

Beeno's pick: Mississippi State

Friday, December 31: Insight.com Bowel, Tucson. Colorado vs. Boston College. I've been hearing rumblings of discontent in the Colorado Avalanche program. Apparently they're mad at their field goal kicker for missing a game-winner against Nebraska. Who cares? They had already covered the spread. I pick CU in this one, unless it comes down to a last-second kick.

Beeno's pick: Colorado

Friday, December 31: Sun Bowel, El Paso. Minnesota vs. Oregon. Now here's a matchup of truly ugly uniforms. That maroon Gopher uni is pretty sad, but those Oregon thingamabobs, WOW, that's the worst thing I've seen ever since Colorado came out in those urine colored unis last year. The Sun Bowel is one of my favorites, thanks to the halftime show where they celebrate the culture of Juarez. This year I hear they're going to have Anna Nicole Smith and some donkeys entertain us at halftime.

Beeno's pick: Oregon

Friday, December 31: Liberty Bowel, Memphis. Southern Mississippi vs. Colorado State. Memphis is a pretty historical place thanks to Elvis. They should honor him by re-naming the game after the place where he died. Call it the Toilet Bowel.

Beeno's pick: Ole Southern Miss

Friday, December 31: Independence Bowel, Shreveport. Oklahoma vs. Ole Miss. Now here's a matchup people have been awaiting since the days when Ole Miss was led by Peyton Manning Sr. I don't know if Coach Switzer will have his boys ready for this one, but you also have to wonder about Ole Miss. I've got to go with the Sooners in this one.

Beeno's pick: Oklahoma

Saturday, January 1, 2000: Outback Bowel, Tampa. Purdue vs. Georgia. The first bowel of the new year. I always like going to Outback Steakhouses. None of that cafeteria crap you have to put up with at Ponderosa, just nice thick steaks. It's great, at least until about an hour later when you're racing to the john. Georgia has no pass defense and Purdue can throw the ball quite well. On the other hand, there will probably be an SEC officiating crew there and we know just how biased they are in favor of Georgia (just ask Ga Tech, what a ripoff). But I think ex-porn star Dru Breeze will pull out the victory (and a few other things as well).

Beeno's pick: Purdue

Saturday, January 1, 2000: Cotton Bowel, Dallas. Texas vs. Arkansas. Now this was a real rivalry, back in the great days of the SWC. Broyles vs. Royal, Holtz vs. Akers, and now Mack Brown against a bunch of McNutts (maybe Mickey D's should sponsor this one?). I see Texas winning a squeaker on a 4th and 1 deep pass down the sideline, just like they did in '69. That was one of the greatest moments in Aggie history.

Beeno's pick: Texas

Saturday, January 1, 2000: Gator Bowel, Jacksonville. Miami vs. Georgia Tech. Everyone knows about the world's biggest cocktail party, the annual battle between Georgia and Florida State. This year there's a sequel. My guess is that this matchup won't be nearly as good. I would expect only half as many public drunkenness arrests and much more lousy rap music if that Luke Campbell fella shows up. Hey, Luke, "Me So Horny" too, but you don't see me writing a song whining about it. Miami to win in a shootout, especially if Luke's rap friends show up with their Uzis.

Beeno's pick: Miami

Saturday, January 1, 2000: Florida Citrus Bowel, Orlando. Florida vs. Michigan State. You have to hand it to Nick Satan, he left Michigan State high and dry but well-stocked for the future. Florida has been reeling ever since Visor Boy realized that he didn't have any competent quarterbacks. I see this game going to overtime, with MSU winning on a Morten Andersen field goal (apparently he has one game of eligibility left).

Beeno's pick: Michigan State

Saturday, January 1, 2000: Rosey Bowel presented by Ex-Lax, Pasadena. Wisconsin vs. Stanford. Stanford's scholars aren't going to know what hit them after the human battering ram rumbles through them. Stanford is trying to compensate by feeding all their linemen cheese through IVs the last couple weeks, but it won't help.

Beeno's pick: Wisconsin

Saturday, January 1, 2000: Orange Bowel, Miami. Michigan vs. Alabama. Here's a great matchup of two traditional powers. Floyd Carr vs. Mike DuBose is an interesting coaching matchup. I have to give the edge to DuBose due to his people skills (or is that peephole skills?). This one will be a defensive struggle, I wouldn't be surprised to see it end with a game-winning safety.

Beeno's pick: Michigan

Sunday, January 2, 2000: Fiesta Bowel, Tempe. Nebraska vs. Tennessee. Here's another great matchup of traditional powers who wear garish colors. Ole "Rocky Top" will be blasting out from the Vol band, the fans will be playing tic tac toe after painting the end zone, there will be "Tee for Tennessee" signs everywhere. Then Nebraska will show up and rip Tennessee a new one and the Vols will be left holding the (colostomy) bag.

Beeno's pick: Nebraska

Tuesday, January 4, 2000: Sugar Bowel. Virginia Tech vs. Florida State. Well, here's the one for all the marbles and that's appropriate since both coaches sound like they have marbles in their mouths. FSU has it all this year, great passing, great defense, and the best mascot in the business. I just love it when he rides that mule into the stadium and throws down the lightning bolt into the sod. Unfortunately, that won't work on the turf at the SuperDuperDome, so he'll probably have to put a spike on the lightning bolt. But then he might rip a tear in the carpet, which could really mess things up.

I anticipate at least a 2-hour delay in this one while they repair the carpet, so just sit back, relax, and watch the WB for a while. I really like that Vampire Slayer show, the one with the ex-USC Song Girl named Bufu. So there's your turf delay entertainment guide. Even when USC isn't in a bowel, they're still on TV. This has been true ever since the days when the Trojan mascot starred as "Mr. Ed". You can't beat those USC Song Girls (I know, I have several restraining orders against me after I visited their sorority house with my leather spanking glove and Mr. Whip).

As for the game, I think this will be another one that goes down to the wire. I see Peter Warrick making the big play. He'll be back for a punt in a tie game, catch it, start to return, see a couple cops in the VPI end zone, panic, turn around, and race for his own end zone and right out of the stadium. 2 points for the Cavs and that'll be the difference.

Beeno's pick: Virginia Tech