December 15, 2000

This year's been kind of a difficult one for those of us who love college football, what with the BS system messing everything up. I thought it was supposed to be #1 vs. #2, but for some reason they've left out the #2 team (Miami), and they have #1 playing #3.

Meanwhile, #4 Washington beat #2 Miami, so you'd think they'd get a shot too, but Washington apparently turned down a bid because they wanted to go to the Rose Bowel and meet ex-porn actress Dru Breeze. I never knew that Coach Neuheisel was so interested in girls. So the whole BS thing is a huge disaster area.

But, putting that whole mess aside, we are almost at bowel season, which is my favorite time of year. Nothing like breaking out the moonshine, sitting back, and watching all the mediocre 6-5 teams that college football has to offer. I'm looking forward to the games, the bands, and all the great sponsors.

Wednesday, December 20: The Delaware Bureau of Tourism Mobile Alabama Bowel (Birmingham, Alabama). TCU vs. Southern Mississippi.

TCU's had a great year, being the dominant team in the Southwest Conference. It must be one of those weird tie-breaker things that kept them out of the Cotton Bowel. Still TCU must feel honored to be playing in the Mobile Alabama Bowel at Legion Field, where Bear Bryant coached all those great teams. Southern Miss hasn't done much since that big upset of FSU a decade ago. Whatever became of that pretty good QB they had, that Brent Farver guy?

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Thursday, December 21: The Bally's Las Vegas Bowel (Las Vegas, Nevada). UNLV vs. Arkansas.

It's always great to play a bowel game in your home state, cuts back on the travel time. It's not that long a trip for UNLV to come down from Reno to Vegas, as long as they don't get stuck in traffic in that huge metropolis Tonopah. Arkansas will have a little farther to go, but they're getting acclimated to the Vegas nightlife by spending their training time at the Virginia Kelley Memorial Casino in Hot Springs.

Beeno's Pick: Arkansas

Sunday, December 24: The Pepsi Oahu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Virginia vs. Georgia.

These teams didn't face each other in the ACC schedule, so it's kind of nice that they'll be matched up in a bowel game. And I'm sure they're going to enjoy playing in Hawaii much more rather than being stuck playing in a December blizzard in Charlottesville. Both Jim Donnan and George Welsh coaching their final games. Coach Welsh got a lot of gifts from fans before his final game, including a Laz-E-Boy recliner and a lifetime supply of gasoline. Coach Donnan also got some gifts from the Georgia fans, mostly C cell batteries, not to mention a dousing in gasoline.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Monday, December 25: The Coca-Cola Aloha Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Arizona State vs. Boston College.

There seems to be this trend of firing coaches before their bowel games. ASU's Bill Snyder is another example of this. At least he'll still have his other job with Kansas City State. The Boston College Terriers, after dropping football a few years ago, have started anew and built a pretty solid program again. But they'll be in a (Todd) Heap of trouble against a fired-up ASU squad.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona State

Wednesday, December 27: The Mitsubishi Motor City Bowel (Pontiac, Michigan). Marshall vs. Cincinnati.

The Marshall team is becoming really familiar with all the sights given that this is their fourth straight trip to Pontiac for the bowel game. I bet they know all the winos hanging out at the 7/11 on a first-name basis. I know that Marshall has really improved their program over the years, but I don't think they're quite ready to take on a team like Cincinnati, no matter how much Cincinnati has struggled this season.

Beeno's Pick: The Bengals

Wednesday, December 27: The Home Depot Galleryfurniture.com Bowel (Houston, Texas). East Carolina vs. Texas Tech.

It's nice to see bowel action returning to Houston. It's been years since the Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl drew crowds of upwards of 8,000. An exciting matchup like this may even break into 5 figures attendance-wise. Texas Tech will catch a break by playing an expansion team like East Carolina.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Thursday, December 28: The National Rifle Association Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Boies State vs. UTEP.

I know the guy is a good lawyer and beat Microsoft and helped the Vice President and all that, but why would anyone name a college after some lawyer? Plus have you ever seen David Boies' skin when he gets really wound up in court? He gets more lesions on his face than I do on my derriere, and, believe me, that's a lot. But I have to admit that's one fine football team, those Fighting Boies Boils. Watch them lance UTEP.

Beeno's Pick: David Boies State

Thursday, December 28: The MTV Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Mississippi vs. Western Virginia.

It's another great post-season for the Thomas Jefferson State, with UVA, VPI, Marshall, and Western Virginia all going bowling. And all of them are going to be playing football too. The WVU fans are all fired up because it's coach Don Nehlen's final game, and they'll all descend on Nashville in their overalls. Ole Miss is pretty excited too, they're slowly breaking in new quarterback Eli Manning, the son of the legendary Peyton Manning.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi

Thursday, December 28: The IBM MirconPC.com Bowel (Miami, Florida). North Carolina State vs. Minnesota.

The Minnesota Golden Buffaloes, under coach Glen Mason, are slowly building a Big 10 powerhouse. They played at Ohio State and blew them out. I haven't seen another Big 10 team go into Columbus and win big since, oh, Illinois a year ago. NC State has now become the dominant football program in their state, of course, that's kind of like being the best hockey team in Hawaii.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Thursday, December 28: The Radio Shack TRS-80 Insight.com Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Iowa State vs. Pitt.

You know it's a down year in the Big 8 when Iowa State gets enough wins to be bowel-eligible. Pitt is slowly building back toward the glory days when me and Johnny were in charge of the program. This year they even beat Penn State. Then again, even Toledo beat Penn State. And by more points. Toledo had a great year, 10-1 record, and a win at Happy Valley. I'm sure Toledo's fans are all excited about joining the Rockets on a bowel trip this year.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Friday, December 29: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Louisville vs. Colorado State.

I know that Marcus had a great career at Illinois, but I can't understand why they'd name a bowel game after him, he's a basketball player for crying out loud. Louisville has rebounded nicely after losing quarterback Chris Redman, who was the best Injun quarterback since Joe Kapp. Colorado State has built a good program as well, so you'd think their fans would learn to stop rioting. Of course being in Memphis this time of year, I think the Colorado State fans will be content to stay off the field and build their many bonfires in the stands.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Friday, December 29: The Preparation H Sun Bowel (Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico). UCLA vs. Wisconsin.

They're moving the game this year across the border. Apparently if they hold the game in Juarez they can have a much wilder parade the day of the game. They sent me some of the promotional materials, but they're all written in Mexican, so I couldn't understand them. The pictures of the donkeys and the teenagers were really interesting though.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Friday, December 29: The La Kit Kat Go-Go Girls Club Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Georgia Tech vs. LSU.

In his first year at the helm Nick Satan has really turned around the LSU program, bringing them back up to the level of mediocrity that his predecessor had them at. Plus you've got to love a team with so much booty. I just wish they'd get rid of the blood red uniforms and the pentagrams on the helmets, those are a little much for my taste. The Tech team has had a good year, and I look for LSU to get quite a game from the Bulldogs.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Friday, December 29: The Ford Pinto Holiday Bowel (San Diego, California). Oregon vs. Texas.

Oregon is another school that has turned things around, nobody even makes those Beaver jokes anymore. Texas has a quarterback controversy, and both players have great bloodlines. You've got Major Applewhite, who's the son of Marshall Applewhite, who will have a prime seat for the game, riding around on Comet Hale-Bopp. Texas fans have really gotten into the spirit of the QB dilemma, those who like Major wear purple pillowcases over their heads in honor of Marshall. And, of course, you have Chris Sims, who is the son of Oklahoma and NFL star Billy Sims.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Saturday, December 30: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Nebraska vs. Northwestern.

It's always nice to see a bowel game that's more than just a football game. This year the Alamo Bowel is not just a football game, it's also a matchup of the best and brightest from their respective conferences. Northwestern's always had the smartest football players in the Big 10 and Nebraska's players are among the wisest in the Big 8. I hear Nebraska's football team competed in College Bowel this year and defeated Colorado in the conference finals by a score of minus 140 to minus 230, thus they were declared the brightest team in their league.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Sunday, December 31: The Jayne Mansfield Silicone Valley Classic Bowel (Hollywood, California). Fresno State vs. Air Force.

I understand that, due to safety concerns, the FDA has ordered that the Silicone Bowel be moved to Saline, Kansas. I hope the Southern Cal Song Girls will be able to travel there to do the halftime show.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Sunday, December 31: The People's Republic of China Liberation Army Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Mississippi State vs. Texas A&M.

This should be an interesting matchup, what with Jackie Sherrill leading Mississippi State against a team mighty familiar to Jackie, Texas A&M. I remember all those 1980's matchups between Texas and A&M and I bet Jackie's as excited about coaching against A&M nowadays as he was back then.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Monday, January 1: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Kansas City State vs. Tennessee.

The state of Missouri has had a mixed year in sports, what with the Missouri Tigers struggling so much. But at least Washington University of St. Louis made the Rose Bowl and Kansas City State will also be playing on New Year's Day. Tennessee has had a slightly down year, what with the defeat of their most famous citizen in arguably the biggest contest of the year. I'm referring, of course, to Peyton Manning's loss in the AFC title game. I'm sure the Vol fans are glad not to be stuck playing in Arizona or Florida this year, because there's nothing finer than Dallas in January.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Monday, January 1: The Alka-Seltzer Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Ohio State vs. South Carolina.

You've got to give Lou Holtz credit. I didn't think for a minute that he could turn around that sorry situation at USC. But he's got the Trojans winning again. I just hope they bring Mr. Ed to the game to run around the track. Coop's got Ohio State playing on New Year's Day again after a one-year absence. Look for Coop to improve his bowel record to 2-13.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio State

Monday, January 1: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Clemson vs. Virginia Tech.

Virginia Tech is awfully steamed about being left out of the BS games, but this isn't a bad consolation prize. Clemson had a solid year, they actually stayed within 5 touchdowns of Florida State for a quarter. I understand that the Gator's Bowels' halftime show will be a song and dance act by newly unemployed Bush and Gore aides James Bakker and Warren "Mr. Bojangles" Christopher.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Monday, January 1: The Citrus Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Auburn vs. Michigan.

I have been told that Michigan, inspired by their co-captain James Whitley, will install the Shotgun offense. That should be enough to get past Auburn and Coach Bowden.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Monday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by the Church of Scientology (Pasadena, California). Purdue vs. Washington.

Purdue hasn't been to a Rose Bowel since the days of Brian Griese. Washington hasn't been there recently either, though they've really rebuilt the program. This one will be a great one to watch, if only to hear my old friend Keith Jackson repeatedly mispronounce the name of "Hong Kong Fooeyahsohopoopoo".

Beeno's Pick: Washington

Monday, January 1: The Black Flag Roach Killer Fiesta Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Notre Dame vs. Oregon State.

Well, Bob Davis has sure turned things around for the Irish. He's even filling that stadium now, after all the empty seats in the latter stage's of Lou's tenure. Meanwhile, Oregon State, under former Miami legend Craig Erickson, is one of the best-kept secrets in college football. In fact the only better-kept secret is my good friend and colleague Herb Street and his "Gameday" habit of wearing pink panties. Oh, I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. Sorry Herb.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Tuesday, January 2: The Microsoft Sugar (TM) Bowel (New Orleans, Louisiana). Miami vs. Florida.

It was bad enough that the conference championship games were a bunch of rematches, but why are they having a rematch in a bowel game? Miami already beat these guys, narrowly, in early October. This time it won't be as close.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Wednesday, January 3: The Beta Carotine Resulting in Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Florida State vs. Oklahoma.

Well, this is the one for the national title, unless Miami wins and the AP voters decide to vote for Washington since Washington beat #2 Miami, or if both teams really stink, or if the game ends in a tie. As I said, this is all pretty complicated. Coach Switzer must still be spinning in his grave, what with the pass offense that Oklahoma is now using. Florida State, led by 15th-year senior Chris "Metamucil" Weinke, isn't quite as solid as they were last year, but they've still got that great team speed, at least if the security cams at the mall are to be believed. I expect a close contest, with Weinke doing a great job passing the football and a couple of gallstones.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State