August 30, 2001

Well, it's really exciting to be back in the swing of things as another college football season has gotten underway.

I hope all of you enjoyed this spring and summer as much as I did. The off-season sometimes can be pretty boring, but this year I made the most of my free time.

Many of you probably saw me on TV in a slightly different role last May, as I was one of those who tried out for the co-host spot on that Regis Philbin morning show.

Things didn't go as well as I had hoped. First off, my co-host said "Regis and Beeno" didn't sound good and he wanted me to use my middle name too, the way that his ex-cohost Kathie Sue Tittle did. But I didn't like the idea of a show called "Regis and Beeno Knievel".

Second, all Regis wanted to do was talk about Notre Dame football. I can't stand guys who go on TV and talk about Notre Dame all the time. There are other schools out there. Like Penn State.

Finally, because of my last name he wanted me to do food preparation tips. "And now, here's Beeno the Cook". Then he'd get mad after my segments because most of my cooking recipes involve tossing some meat on the grill and marinating it with Jim Beam.

So, needless to say, I didn't get the job.

This season opened in a strange way, with all these pre-season games. I never quite understood why the college game needed to become more like the pro game and add in all these exhibition games. Just seems to me to be another way for some of these guys to get injured.

And at least the NFL doesn't give all these games funny names, like "The Lesbian Athletic Trainer Classic", though I must say I enjoyed that particular halftime show (I had always wondered what had happened to ex-Michigan State star Kirk Gibson's singing sister Debbie and her special red-headed friend Tiffany--all I can say is that they may have *thought* they were alone now, but my VCR says otherwise).

As for the games, they were all pretty boring and I'm sure the fans who were charged full price for these exhibition games probably wanted their money back.

Even the one close game, the WAC matchup between Fresno and Colorado, was just like a typical NFL exhibition game, with both teams trying to throw it away at the end. Colorado tried some fancy third and goal pass play from the 2 when all they needed was a field goal to take the lead, and Fresno intercepted.

Coaches try stuff like that in games that don't count. You know full well that a smart guy like Gary Barnett wouldn't do something that stupid if the game would have had an impact on Colorado's season.

Of course, with the regular season starting this weekend, it's time to focus on the most important part of college football--predicting who will win the ultimate prize. We start the year with pre-season predictions, then have the BS polls and experts talking all year who's the best, until the end of the season comes around and we get our answer as to who is truly #1.

Yes, it's time for me to pick college football's major award winners.

Heisman Trophy (best promoted player): Based on that Manhattan, Kanssas billboard, that Oregon Beaver quarterback Joey Heatherton will win.

Butkis Award (biggest media suck-up): This one's pretty easy. The biggest buttkisser I know will win it, hands down, my good friend Lee Corso.

Outback Trophy (fattest lineman): Outback Steakhouse bought the rights to this award and changed the criteria to reflect the biggest piece of beef out there on the field. I haven't reviewed the candidates, but my guess is that the winner will come from the University of Wisconsin. They put those hogs on lard IVs all winter long and come up with the fattest football players I've ever seen.

Pat O'Brien Award (worst broadcaster): Brent Musberger had this award locked in the past, he won it so many years in a row that the trophy was about to get retired, but Bill Curry snuck in and stole it from him last year. I understand Brent's been training with an ethanol IV to make sure his broadcasts are bad enough to clinch him the O'Brien Award by week two this year.

Lombardi Trophy (meanest coach): Supposedly all the steroids, hormones, and weightlifting have made a big difference, and Ricky the Pixie Neuheisel has thrown away that little guitar of his, cut out the canoe trips, started beating the hell out of his players, and is a serious candidate for the Lombardi Trophy.

Jim Thorpe Award (best player at a school with an Indian nickname): Kurt Kittner of the Illinois Fighting Sioux should win this one, though Tico J Duckett of the Michigan State Chippewas will have a shot.