2001 Week 3
October 4, 2001
It's good to see college football again gearing up, what with all the powers from various conferences meeting up for some exciting action.
I especially enjoyed last week's non-conference game between Alabama and USC. That one went down to the wire with USC pulling it out 38-37. That game in Tuscaloosa reminded me of all those 1970's 'Bama/USC games, with the Bear, Johnny Musso, and Richie "Bam" Cunningham. I felt so nostalgic that I thought about sticking my finger in the socket and bringing back my 1970's "Beeno Fro".
Lou Holtz sure has done a great job at USC, I bet John Robinson is proud. But Lou still must be embarrassed by his South Bend successor's record of filling the seats at Notre Dame Stadium. Of course NBC's recent promotion, "Be Sure to Check Out the Bob Davis Farewell Tour" may be part of the reason for the increased attendance.
This week's biggest matchup is the traditional Battle of the Red River, between Oklahoma and Texas. It's great that they still play terrific non-conference games like this one, especially with Big 8 vs. SWC bragging rights on the line. Also there's some family rivalry, as Texas QB Chris Simms goes up Oklahoma, which was the alma mater of his father, Billy Simms.
One of the new trends in football this year is ESPN's decision to start showing Friday night games. I for one am against this move. We've already got enough corruption in sports, there's no reason to spread this by having ESPN televising high school football.
Just look at how ESPN and ABC ruined Little League baseball this year. Suddenly teams get all this media attention and it gets corrupted. You had these 20-year-old kids with fake IDs trying to look like they were 21! Or was it 12? Anyway, you totally destroyed the Little League tradition by having all these overage kids playing.
And now you're probably going to see the same thing happening in high school football. Some XFL flunk-out will get a fake ID and be catching passes for the Intercourse PA High School Fighting Beavers, wearing a jersey with the a Beaver logo and the name "HE ATE ME".
We already saw how college football was hurt by this trend last year. Florida State got put on probation and lost 20 scholarships, which is why they got crushed by ACC weak sister North Carolina. FSU got put on probation because they gave a scholarship to Chris Weinke, an overage 35-year-old quarterback.
Many of you have written to express concern about my appearance of late. Well, there's a story behind that. I'm sure you have heard of my namesake homemade anti-flatulence product, Beano. It turns out that my body is starting to become resistant to Beano, and so I've been looking somewhat bloated lately.
I'm not saying that I've gotten a bit inflated, but Congress is currently debating a new energy bill, and one of the provisions would permit drilling my body for gas. It's currently a very vicious debate.
Some members of Congress believe that my belly is a unique wilderness area that would be greatly disturbed by natural gas drilling. They note that the many mites, lice, and bacteria form a remarkable ecosystem, feeding off the dead skin and the drops of Johnny Walker Red that drip down to my navel.
Others feel that my tummy is really a vast lifeless wasteland. They've taken to showing pictures of me without my shirt on and noting that one wouldn't even notice the gas wells among all the liver spots.
I am beginning to lean in favor of drilling. The bloating has been getting worse and something's got to be done before the University of Kentucky tries to recruit me as a quarterback.