2001 Week 7
November 1, 2001
Well, on Tuesday night I tried to watch that boring baseball game. So I tune it in and see some older grey-haired guy warming up on the mound. I decided to skip right past that game. I can't stand it when all these old people are playing and discussing a young man's game. Especially when the guy had an advertisement for Busch Beer on the back of his windbreaker.
I turned the channel and there was a Tuesday night college football game, between Eastern Carolina and Texas Catholic. That was kind of confusing.
If anything, they should have been playing a game on October 31st, down in Baton Rouge. LSU is like Dracula, they do their greatest damage at night, and what better night than Halloween? Especially because I just found out that October 31st is LSU's coach's birthday. Yes, Halloween is the birthday of Nick Satan.
It was fun last weekend to sit back and watch the top two teams in the BS ratings battle for the title. Nebraska, behind star receiver Eric Crotch, knocked off Oklahoma and is the 2001 national champion. Congratulations (and a bottle of agua) to the Nebraska Cornholios.
This Crotch guy is pretty versatile. Not only is he a fine flanker, I learned last Sunday that he also plays quarterback. I was watching some NFL games and there was Crotch, squatting behind center for the Cleveland Ravens. He even threw a couple TD passes.
I wasn't aware that college players are still allowed to barnstorm the pro leagues anymore on off-days, but they must have made an exception given that Cleveland is an expansion team and probably needs players.
Eric Crotch is not the first player to "go both ways" (that distinction would go to the entire roster of the Hawaii Warriors).
It's been a long tradition in football for talented players to barnstorm in the pro ranks. One of the best was Illinois legend Red "Harold" Grange.
"Ole �72", who got his nickname thanks to his team-high IQ, was a true triple threat: He could run, he could pass, and he made some of the best Prohibition-era homebrew in the state of Illinois. We�re talking beer with a real bang to it, nobody knew what Red�s secret ingredient was, but the beer sure went down well and had quite a kick to it.
Grange was contacted by famed mobster Al Capone, who said he needed a player for his fledgling NFL franchise, the Chicago Bears. Capone offered Grange $5,000 to play one game under an assumed name, Lou "The Adenoid" Groza. Grange, a poor farmboy as a youth, jumped at the unheard-of sum. Capone then said "could you also bring up some of that homebrew of yours? I�d like to try some".
Of course Capone wasn�t interested in Grange playing football, he just wanted to get hold of that homebrew and figure out what was in the beer that gave it such a kick. But Grange was a naive young man and he brought 20 cases of his homebrew, Schittz Brown, with him.
When he showed up at the Bears home field, Old Comiskey Park (which they also shared with the Cubs baseball team), he set the cases on a table along the sideline. Capone was there to greet him and a smile crossed Al�s face as he figured he could grab the beer while Grange was on the field during the game.
Once the game started, Grange forgot about the beer and was sent into the game at running back by Bears coach George "Papa Doc" Halas. On the first play he took the handoff from Bear quarterback Chris Weinke and ran 53 yards for a touchdown as the crowd cheered wildly.
Soon after that the sun set, but the entire stadium was lit up in the glow of 1,000 lanterns. This was the first night game ever in professional sports. Capone was happy, he figured the cover of night would help him with his plot to snatch the home brew.
On the sidelines, the first-ever professional football cheerleaders, known as the Bear Neck-ed Ladies, were shouting encouragement to the Chicago team.
One of the cheerleaders, 200-pound Estelle Gannon, was particularly enthused. She had just moved in with her girlfriend. Yes, Estelle was one of those thespians. She was also very excited by all the action on the field. She jumped in the air, then stumbled on a stray practice football. That stumble triggered one of the most infamous events in football history.
Estelle started to fall and she accidentally booted one of the lanterns, which landed on its side. Then she crashed into the table containing all the homebrew. The table broke in two and the beer bottles crashed to the ground, breaking open and spilling their contents all over the ground, right next to the lantern. Soon a horrible conflagration started.
Even though the fire spread wildly, the crowd and athletes were able to get out of the stadium quickly and safely. But after that disaster Capone was banned from professional football and Grange and all other college athletes were barred from barnstorming, as were overweight thespian cheerleaders.
You see, the rotund Estelle Gannon�s lover was a married woman named Blanche O�Leary. And the secret ingredient in Grange�s homebrew that added such a kick was kerosene. So Mrs. O�Leary�s cow kicking over the lantern led to the great Chicago fire.
And now you know the rest of the story.