2002 Week 2
September 3, 2002
First, I want to clear up something: I have nothing to do with that Labor Day telethon. I don't even own a dark wig, so the bloated drooling guy you saw on the tube yesterday wasn't me.
That being said, it's good to see this year's football season off to a fine start.
For some reason the NFL is still playing exhibition games. Yesterday ESPN had the Rams vs. the Broncos from the new pro stadium in Denver. I was still kind of confused by the Rams' new uniforms.
I'm beginning to think that Ma didn't adjust the color on the TV set, because instead of being blue, the Rams' uniforms were green. Brad Van Pelt continued his remarkable comeback at age 50 and did a good job at QB for the Rams.
The Rams weren't the only team to change uniforms though, because the Broncos have changed things too. Coach Shanahan has stopped using the Grecian Formula and looks a lot greyer.
Denver now has a bunch of gold and black on their jerseys, and they now have this big fat bronco with a swollen head on the side of the helmet. At first I thought the swollen head was a tribute to me, but I don't have a bushy tail. My rear end is more like a jungle of knotty hair.
The most exciting game Saturday was the battle between Michigan and Washington, which was settled on Michigan's game-winning kick. It looks like they changed those overtime rules again. Michigan went first in overtime and missed a FG, then Washington had its turn, but for some reason was forced to start in its own territory, so instead of trying a FG they just punted. Michigan then had another turn, but under the rules had to change to a different kicker, but he hit the kick to win the game.
I saw on ABC Saturday that Maryland's Coach Fridge is now running a fund-raiser, where the University of Maryland gets money for every pound he loses. I tried to set up the same deal with ESPN, give me $1,000 for every inch I lost on my neck, but they said they couldn't afford that.
Speaking of that game and coaches who lost weight, it was nice to see Notre Dame do so well under its new coach. George O'Leary certainly dropped quite a few pounds in time for his successful ND debut. The diet and the off-season did wonders for him, he looked quite well-rested and had a nice tan.
Coach O'Leary also continued Bob Davis' streak of filling the stands for Notre Dame games, something that Coach Holtz had such difficulty with during his last couple years at the helm for the Irish.
In other action, LSU got plowed by Virginia Technological Institute. The Tigers lost because they're like Dracula, they do their worst damage at night, and the game against the Cavs was during the day. They'll do a lot better if their next afternoon game is played during an eclipse. I'm sure Coach Nick Satan will arrange something with his Dark Lord and Master.
Finally, I enjoyed the Kentucky at Louisville game. During the game ESPN interviewed that Louisville kid who pitched for the little league champions.
There's a tradition where kids who do well at a young age go on to great success in college athletics. You'll remember that little league pitcher, Ian Dury, winning the title then going on to play for the Boston College hockey team and eventually the Colorado Blockheads in the NHL.
I was kind of surprised that ESPN didn't expand on this fact during the Kentucky game. After all, Kentucky quarterback Bluto Lorenzo was pretty famous in his youth, though not for playing Little League baseball.
One of Bluto's neighbors was an ill little child who had some strange blood disorder. Then the child's mother, Suzie, while helping Bluto's mother clean clothes, discovered a miracle potion that helped cure her son's disease.
You see, while wringing out Bluto's jockstrap after his PeeWee football game, Suzie accidentally let some of the drippings fall onto her ill son's dinner plate. After eating the son started to feel better. Suzie kept on doing this, wringing out Bluto's perspiration and other emissions onto her son's food, and eventually her son was cured.
As a result, Bluto became well known years before his UK career, and there was even a movie made about him. Suzie's husband, Tim Robbins, gained 100 pounds and played the title role, with Suzie Sarandon playing herself.
And so the drippings from Bluto Lorenzo's jockstrap because world famous thanks to the film "Lorenzo's Oil".