December 17, 2002

Well, after another exciting regular season we now come upon my favorite time of the year, the bowel season. Day after day for over two weeks we'll see one game after another. Just as fascinating will be all the in-depth bowel analysis, as my good friend Lee Corso will be digging around and I'm sure he'll find all sorts of interesting crap in each bowel.

I'm really fired up for this year's matchups. The extra game this year means we won't be stuck watching all these mediocre 6-5 teams lethargically playing out the string. You have to hand it to the NCAA, by adding the 12th game they've really created an element of drama because this year we'll have a bunch of 6-6 teams playing their guts out, trying to avoid a losing season.

Tuesday, December 17: The New Orleans Hornets Bowel (Charlotte, NC). North Texas vs. Cincinnati.

This is one of those weird trades, like when that hockey team traded someone for the bus (I heard that he liked to bowel, but I didn't know that Jerome Bettis played hockey).

In the trade, New Orleans got some lousy NBA franchise, and Charlotte got New Orleans' bowel game. Charlotte definitely got the better end of that deal.

In the game you're going to see a football team from the Dallas area play a football team from Cincinnati. Given what we've seen so far this season from the two towns' respective NFL teams, expect a lot of quarterbacks to fall over untouched, a lot of cheerleaders to fall out of their halters, and a lot of fans to fall asleep.

Beeno's Pick: Cincinnati

Wednesday, December 18: The Vito's Payday Loans and Repo Shop GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Louisville vs. Marshall.

This is one game I'm really looking forward to, the battle of the Ohio River played at the mouth of the Mississippi. This game will be a great battle between two outstanding quarterbacks. I think Chad Pennington will outduel Chris Redman, but only if Santa Moss is out there catching passes.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Monday, December 23: The One-A-Day Vitamins with Beta Carotine Tangerine Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Clemson vs. Texas Tech.

Clemson's had a tough year--any time a Bowden is rendered speechless you know that things haven't gone well. Of course my good friend Lee Corso said that it doesn't take a bad season to get a Bowden to stand there silently with his mouth agape. Apparently Lee got the same reaction from Bobby Bowden at the ESPN Christmas party when Lee opened his trench coat.

As for their Lone Star State opponent, I'm still wondering about the coaching situation: Will Coach Franchione take over in time for the game?

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Wednesday, December 25: The Optigrab Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Hawaii vs. Tulane.

I guess the Hulu Bowel people got tired of hosting all those all-star players in January. I can't blame them, those guys don't take things too seriously in that two-handed touch debacle they call an all-star game.

There's no doubt that, by contrast, these two teams will be intense. Hawaii's already sharpening their shivs for the post-game brawl.

Beeno's Pick: Hawaii (in the fight)

Wednesday, December 25: The Tulsa Oklahoma Chamber of Commerce Las Vegas Bowel (Las Vegas, Nevada). New Mexico vs. UCLA.

Most bowel games have lots of interesting promotions both on and off the field. For instance, at the Rose Bowel the two teams will get together for the Beef Bowel and they eat the innards of a cow. At the Sugar Bowel the two teams' marching bands go to Bourbon Street and see which school blows the best.

Now there's a brand-new tradition at the Las Vegas Bowel: The two schools' cheerleaders will spend the entire week before the game at the Trump Taj Mahal working as showgirls. I think the New Mexico cheerleaders will win that particular battle, because, living up to Pac-8 tradition, UCLA is too easy to score on.

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Thursday, December 26: The Daewoo Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Toledo vs. Boston College.

The Toledo Mud Rockets have done pretty well in the MAC this year and were rewarded with a game in their home state. BC is continuing its comeback after dropping football a few years ago. Hopefully Gordie Lochbaum will be tuning in for the contest.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Thursday, December 26: The Galleryfurniture.com Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Pitt vs. Oregon State.

While I'm glad that Walt Harris has gotten the Panthers into another bowel game, I am a bit chagrined that it's another one of these dot com bowels.

Last year this gentleman named Gene approached me and asked if I'd like to start my own dot com for my product "Beeno". I had no idea what he was talking about, but my good friend Herb Street said he thought it was a good idea.

So I signed some papers and Gene gave me 10,000 shares of stock in "Beeno.com". I was pretty excited to own some stock in something other than a distillery.

Last Saturday I went in to sell my stock to pay off a bet I had with Corso on the Heisman race (Powlus lost again, damnit) and they said the stock was worthless. It turns out that Gene wasn't promoting my anti-gas product Beeno, but rather the neck clips I was advertising last year that keep my neck from spilling out over my collar.

I learned that next time they name a product after me I'm going to do some preliminary research. It turned out that my "Beeno" clips were too big for 99.993% of the population, so they never sold and the company went out of business.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Friday, December 27: The Enron Houston Bowel (Houston, Texas). Oklahoma State vs. Southern Mississippi.

This will be a nice bowel game, an easy day's drive for both schools, so I'm sure lots of students will show up for all the Friday night festivities.

In fact, I've been told that "Girls Gone Wild" will be filming at the pre-game parties, waiting for some Okie State coeds to milk cows or Okie State cows to milk coeds, I forget which.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Friday, December 27: The Hans Blix Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Ole Miss vs. Nebraska.

I understand that the people in Shreveport are petitioning the NCAA to rename their game "The Boxcar Bowel" in honor of both teams having 6 losses.

I think this could be an emotional game, as Ole Miss QB Peyton Manning Jr. will be seeking revenge for his father's humiliating loss to Nebraska in the Orange Bowel a few years back.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Friday, December 27: The Carnival Cruises Dysentary for the Holidays Bowel (San Diego, California). Arizona State vs. Kansas City State.

Kansas City State was the dominant football team in Missouri this year at any level, including the NFL Cardinals.

Arizona State has a tough year due to the controversy among the alumni over Coach Mackovic beating his players. The alums are angry because Mackovic isn't nearly as skilled at physical abuse as ASU legend Frank Kush.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State.

Saturday, December 28: The Continental Tire State Championship Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). Western Virginia vs. Virginia.

I don't quite know why they call the state championship of Virginia a bowel game. The other thing I don't understand is why they are playing this game at UVA's home stadium.

Western Virginia has really come on this year and I'm sure their coach is happy that they were invited, because there was some talk that the Mounties might get bumped from the state title game in favor of Notre Dame.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia.

Saturday, December 28: The Montezuma's Revenge Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Wisconsin vs. Colorado.

Speaking of the Golden Buffaloes, where's ex-CU coach Bill McCartney's daughter Jenny McCartney these days? She'd put on a better show than either of these two teams.

I'm not saying these teams have big offensive lines, but I swear that during some plays you can almost hear the lard greasing the joints.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado

Monday, December 30: The Amaretto Crappuccino Seattle Bowel (Seattle, Washington). Oregon vs. Wake Forest.

Well, with a Baptist team like Wake Forest you can be certain that no matter what happens on the field, there won't be any post-game dance.

This is a really intriguing matchup, as you have a versatile ACC offense against another one of those questionable Pac-8 defenses.

So I'm looking forward to watching the Deacons try to penetrate the Beavers.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Monday, December 30: The Dee Dee Ramone Memorial Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Arkansas vs. Minnesota.

Minnesota's pretty famous for playing for a number of trophies. For instance, Minnesota plays Iowa for the farming services of Floyd Rosedale. The Gophers play Michigan for the esteemed Brown Slug. And their longest standing rivalry is with Wisconsin, whom they play for possession of Paul Bunyan's Ass.

This year the Music City Bowel, in recognition of Minnesota's trophy games, has decided to create a championship trophy for their bowel game.

So on December 30th, Arkansas and Minnesota will square off and play for Johnny Cash's liver.

Beeno's Pick: Arkansas

Tuesday, December 31: The Trent Lott Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Iowa State vs. Boise State.

When I think about this game all I can see is a red and yellow Iowa State uniforms running around on a blue field. Then I start to think I just licked one of those Mickey Mouse stamps that my good friend Chris Fowler gave to me after he went to a Greatful Dead concert.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa State

Tuesday, December 31: The Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Washington vs. Purdue.

This should be a good one to watch. You've got two rematches: A second go-around for the Boilers and the Cougars sandwiched around the grudge rematch of Farrah Fawcett vs. Long Dong Donkey.

Beeno's Pick: Washington

Tuesday, December 31: Marcus Liberty's Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). TCU vs. Colorado State.

Now break out the Geritol, because this is going to be some old-time throwback football: The Southwest Conference champ taking on NCAA and NFL Hall of Famer Brad Van Pelt.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Tuesday, December 31: The Melissa Mounds Silicone Valley Classic Bowel (San Jose, California). Georgia Tech vs. FSU

I was under the impression that all these bowel games had these conference tie-ins, so it would be Big East #3 vs. Big 10 #2 (if anyone was Big 10 #2 this year it was Michigan State). So how did this game end up with an ACC rematch?

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Tuesday, December 31: The We Couldn't Find a Sponsor Other than some porn website Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Tennessee vs. Maryland.

The Tennessee Volunteers have had some real highlights this season--such as the two first downs they got against Miami.

Meanwhile, Maryland started slow and finished slow, and slowed down in between.

The most fascinating aspect of this game will be an interesting matchup of Coach Fridge vs. Coach Frigid.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Tuesday, December 31: The Diamond Walnut San Francisco Bowel (San Francisco, California). Virginia Tech vs. Air Force.

I don't know why anyone would like to chew on nuts that are as hard as diamonds, but leave it to those goofy folks in San Francisco to come up with the most loosey-goosey bowel of them all.

I just hope everyone behaves and there isn't a brawl between the cadets of these two fine military schools.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech.

Wednesday, January 1: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Texas vs. LSU.

This matchup has been a long time coming, two powers from the same area playing each other in one of the classic bowel games.

Both will have great motivation: UT QB Chris Sims will play his final college game and will try to make his father Billy proud. And LSU coach Nick Satan will be pumped up after the resignation of his father Lou Satan from coaching the high school football team in Hell, Michigan.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Wednesday, January 1: The Outback Bowel presented by Burger King (Tampa, Florida). Michigan vs. Florida.

As Coach Spurrier was fond of saying, you can't spell Citrus without "UM". Well, I guess you can this year. I hope Floyd Carr doesn't miss his turn and end up in Orlando again, because if Floyd shows up in Orlando and says hello to the refs outside the Big 10 team's locker room, JoePa's head may explode.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Wednesday, January 1: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). North Carolina State vs. Notre Dame.

I don't get these BS bowels this year, they seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel, or at least the bottom of the gator. NC State was good up until about, oh, mid-September, and Notre Dame's performance against SC was about as putrid as my good friend Keith Jackson after three cups of bean soup.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Wednesday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Penn State vs. Auburn.

This one probably will be no contest. Auburn will be surprised by the endurance of Penn State's Johnsons.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Wednesday, January 1: The Rose Bowel presented by the Orange Bowel (Pasadena, California). Washington State vs. Oklahoma.

The Pasadena Chamber of Commerce can't buy a break. They have spent nearly 12 months in all the local hotels and on the streets cleaning up the tobacco stains left by their visitors from Nebraska. Then they had to go inside the stadium and clean up the Husker skid marks from the 'Cane rout.

So this year they're stuck with even more rural yahoos who won't be ready for the beauty and decorum of the area. I sure hope the Washington State fans behave.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Wednesday, January 1: The NBA Players' Association Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Louisiana). Georgia vs. Florida State.

Not satisfied with the classic matchup two months ago, we'll all get to settle back on New Year's night and start up round two of the World's biggest cocktail party. Personally, after about 10 bowel games in 9 hours, I'll be starting on about round 4 of Beeno's cocktail party.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Thursday, January 2: The Cheetos Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Iowa vs. USC.

Some of you may be too young to remember that the Rose Bowel moved to Chapel Hill NC in 1942 after Germans bombed Pearl Harbor. This year, instead of moving the Rose Bowel game, they just moved the teams to the city of Miami. Iowa is expecting a huge turnout of tens of thousands of Huckeye fans. USC is expecting a dozen groupies to show up to cheer for their QB, TV star Carson Daly.

Beeno's Pick: USC

Friday, January 3: The Tostitos Fiesta Bowel, cleared by Olestra (Tempe, Arizona). Ohio State vs. Miami.

Now this is a real battle. You've got Coop vs. one of the Ericksons (or is it Howard Schembechler?). You've got the marquee running back matchup, Marcy Clarett vs. Wendell Magee.

You've got the drug-addled musician showdown, Two Live Motley Crue vs. the Marijuana Leaf Bass Drum of the OSU band.

You've got the mascots, Brutus vs. the Miami Duck.

And last, but not least, you've got the showdown that will take place on the field: The Buckeye fans vs. the law.

Should be a classic.

Beeno's Pick: Miami