December 16, 2003

The regular season is now in the record books, and I've been preparing myself for my favorite time of the year, the bowel season. My good friend Dave Berry told me about this new thing called the food suit. I'm going to give it a try (as long as they've got it in XXXXL neck size), because it's got storage for all sorts of food and drinks, plus a drainage tube so I don't have to get up and stagger over to the John (I call my Heiman-trophy shaped urinal the "John", get it?).

I expect this will be a worthy successor to my old bowel game setup, where I'd haul out the fridge, the recliner, and the remote, and put on some Depends and never have to get up from my chair. And, no, I won't have to worry about #2 (Tim Crotch doesn't play college football anymore). I just hook up the bag and sit back and relax. That's why they call it Bowel season.

Tuesday, December 16: The New Orleans Saccharine Bowel (New Orleans, LA). Northern Texas vs. Memphis.

This is one of those rehearsal bowels, where they play a game at a stadium meant for a bigger game (in this case the Sugar Bowel). The directors and so forth work on camera angles and all that. What they do is put together two practice teams to play an exhibition game. In this case they gave the teams phony college names, but they're really just some drunks hanging out on Bourbon Street who were willing to run around on the grass in exchange for some fresh hootch.

Beeno's Pick: Lots of vomit

Thursday, December 18: The Vito's Auto Repossession GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Louisville vs. Miami.

Louisville will have a battle on their hands against a really tough Miami team. After starting out with a bunch of impressive wins, Miami struggled in November and ended up in this lower-level bowel game. But I think the Canes will prevail.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Monday, December 22: The Captain Queeg Tangerine Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Kansas vs. N C State.

I can understand why some of these more minor bowels aren't too enthused about some of the football teams they're attracting. But this idea of cancelling the football game and bringing in the school's basketball teams to play on the field is going too far.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas at the buzzer

Tuesday, December 23: The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Fort Worth Bowel. Boys' State vs. Texas Christian U.

Now Boys' State has had a pretty good run, beating teams like Idaho, FSU, and the Atlanta Falcons. But it's a whole 'nuther story when the Boys' State Vandals have to take on the Horny Toads of TCU. Look for former Nick Satan LSU recruit Damien Tomlinson to turn some heads.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Wednesday, December 24: The Siegfried and Montecore Las Vegas Bowel (Las Vegas, Nevada). New Mexico vs. Oregon State.

When you want style and flash, you have to go with Las Vegas. Last year for this bowel game they arranged for the extra points to be kicked by a showgirl. This year they're using a showgirl again, but they've gone to a more conventional halftime "catch the ball for $1 million" stunt. The Las Vegas twist will be that the contestant will have to catch a slippery ping pong ball shot by the showgirl.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Thursday, December 25: The Skidoo Hulo Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Hawaii vs. Houston.

I've been complaining all year about foreign teams playing college football, like La Tech and Yukon. Now here we have the University of Hawaii taking on an NFL team. The Rainbows and QB Tommy Chong Jr will go up in smoke against Dan Pasquarelli and Earl the Pearl Campbell.

Beeno's Pick: Houston Oilers

Friday, December 26: The Volkswagen Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Northwestern vs. Boweling Green.

There's nothing that quite says "Holiday Vacation" better than a few days in downtown Detroit. In fact, the members of these two teams and their fans will be begging for a vacation by the time the bowel tour is over.

Beeno's Pick: Boweling Green

Friday, December 26: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Virginia Tech vs. Cal.

The Cavs had an up and down season, but that Julius Jones is one fine running back. Cal has a great halfback of their own, Adimchinobe Echemandu. I can't wait to hear my good friend Mike Tirico say that name five times fast.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Saturday, December 27: The Continental Tire State Championship Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). Pittsburgh vs. Virginia.

Last year this bowel debuted with the state title game between Virginia and Western Virginia. This year they must have had trouble getting a second team, so they had to go out of state and bring in Pittsburgh to play in the game. I predict that Ireland's greatest rap artist, Larry Fiftycentsgerald, will lay the smack down against the Hokies, to make Pitt the state champs of Virginia.

Beeno's Pick: Pittsburgh

Monday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Michigan State vs. Nebraska.

I'm still a bit confused about why these bowel games have such inappropriate sponsors, like lousy car rental companies.

I once rented a car from Alamo. I was flying in to Bristol to do College Gameday, so I called up my travel agent and arranged the flight and the rental car. She tells me I'll pick up my car at the Bristol Airport and it will be from Alamo.

My flight from Pittsburgh to Bristol CT seemed to take forever, I didn't know that the Hudson River was so wide. When I landed I went to the Alamo counter and picked up my car. So far, so good. Then I saw their defective vehicle. It was made completely backwards, with the steering wheel on the right. Not only that, the lot was full of drunks who were driving on the wrong side of the road. I went back to the Alamo counter and asked what was going on. They mumbled something like "new it was England" and I said "yes, this is New England, I could tell from the funny way everyone talks."

Finally I called up ESPN and demanded that they come pick me up. Instead they just had some guy meet me at the airport, got me to do a remote, then I flew back home. After that they told me not to bother to fly to Bristol anymore, they could just set up a camera at my house where I could do my remotes every week.

I still blame Alamo for this whole mess and it bothers me that they're allowed to sponsor a bowel game.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Tuesday, December 30: The Enron Houston Bowel (Houston, Texas). Texas Tech vs. Navy.

Normally I'd complain about this game being practically a home game for Texas Tech, playing in-state and thus so near their campus. But the Navy will be able to match the crowd as the Navy can send their ships to the Houston seaport and eject a lot of seamen.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Tuesday, December 30: The Britney Spheres Silicone Valley Classic Bowel (San Jose, California). UCLA vs. FSU

This is an intersectional matchup that I for one can't wait to watch. You've got two great teams, and two great cheerleading squads: the legendary "UCLA Song Girls" and the soon-to-be-famous "FSU Seminole Wenches".

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Tuesday, December 30: The Jello Biafra Cambodian Holiday Bowel (San Diego, California). Washington State vs. Texas.

I'm more than a bit impressed by Texas this season. They lost their quarterback, Billy "Chris" Simms Junior, yet still did quite well behind former minor league baseball player Matt Mauck. Washington State also had a solid season. As long as he can stay away from women named "Chanel" or "Monique", Coach Price should be able to lead the Cougs to victory.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Wednesday, December 31: The Johnny Paycheck Memorial Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Auburn vs. Wisconsin.

Now this is one game where you've seen a real role reversal. The southern team, Auburn, features the high octane high calorie running attack behind the aptly named Mitisubishi Williams. And the northern team, Wisconsin, is the one obsessed with the mellow sounds of southerner Jimmy Buffett. In this game I'm going to have to go with the Alvarez clan and the parrot heads.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Wednesday, December 31: The Cru-ex Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Oregon vs. Minnesota.

This is another game that I just don't get. I had thought Minnesota's football program went by the wayside after that reality show "Coach" went off the air. Now I see they're back and still playing games.

I look for two things in this game: First, due to the teams' uniforms, the worst color clash since the "before" picture of my bathroom when NBC sent those "Queer Guy" folks over. Second, the halftime show, featuring a salute to El Paso's sister city of Juarez, starring Lisa Guerrero and Long Dong Donkey.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Wednesday, December 31: Marcus Liberty's Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Utah vs. Southern Mississippi.

Well, in this case you've got a school that produced a rich and famous NFL quarterback vs. a school that has to deal with the legacy of the religious migrants who so strongly influenced the state. I sure hope Scott Mitchell and the Babtists enjoy this matchup.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Mississippi

Wednesday, December 31: The People's Liberation Army Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Arkansas vs. Missouri.

I have to admit having a soft spot for the Hogs. Any school run by a bunch of Nutts is okay in my book. Missouri's had a pretty solid year, though I think there should be an investigation of the nepotism involved in allowing Coach Larry Smith's son Brad to play QB.

Beeno's Pick: Arkansas

Wednesday, December 31: The Diamond Studded Walnut San Francisco Bowel (San Francisco, California). Colorado State vs. Boston College.

The comeback story of the bowel season has to be Boston College's return to football. I'm sure BC legend Gordie Lockbaum has to be pleased that his team is playing again. And what better place to restart a program than a fleabag bowel game on New Year's Eve that nobody will watch? At least that way if you lose nobody will know about it. I suspect Colorado State and legendary 50-year-old QB Brad Van Pelt will take care of business.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Thursday, January 1: The Outback Bowel presented by White Castle (Tampa, Florida). Iowa vs. Florida.

This is the way to start out a New Year's morning. Get up, stumble around for a bit, stagger into an easy chair, then try to restrain a Leak. Sounds a lot like Coach Fry's gameplan.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa

Thursday, January 1: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Maryland vs. Western Virginia.

I really don't like these rematch games, especially when it's two conference foes like the ACC's Maryland and Western Virginia. Coach Fridge looks a lot like Ned Beatty, which should serve him well if that Mountaineer mascot finds him in a dark alley.

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Thursday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Purdue vs. Georgia.

I've been reading all about how Purdue has a Void in their rushing attack, but I've looked at the numbers and I disagree. Georgia's got a good defense, so the Boilermakers will have to throw the ball to win, which means the key player for Purdue against the Jackets is speedy WR Dana Stubblefield Junior.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Thursday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by the Church of Scientology (Pasadena, California). Michigan vs. USC.

Here is a classic matchup. You've got two big-name programs in USC and Michigan. We'll see two famous coaches, Floyd Carr and the son of that singer/TV psycho Diane Carroll, Pete Carroll. Best of all, we've got two of the most unusual mascots in the business, USC's famous horse Mr. Ed and Michigan's new mascot, Ted Kaczynski. The Trojans better be lubricated and ready in case U-M quarterback Dave Navarro unleashes "the bomb".

As long as Navarro isn't snorting heroine with Anthony Krokus I suspect he'll do well. There are lots of celebrities at these schools. Last year 'SC QB Carson Daly overcame the tragedy of his breakup with WR Jake Reed's daughter Tara. This year Reggie Roy "Lam" Williams transferred from Texas, and will go up against U-M DB Tito Jackson.

Beeno's Pick: USC

Thursday, January 1: The Cheetos Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Miami vs. Florida State.

I'm looking forward to this matchup, with Florida State taking on a powerhouse Miami team. QB (and Miami coaching legacy) Ben Roth Schnellenberger leads the pride of the Mid-American Conference.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Friday, January 2: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss.

It's hard to keep track of these leagues anymore. Oklahoma State apparently moved to the Southwest Conference, as they're representing that league in its traditional Cotton Bowel slot.

Ole Miss hasn't been to Dallas since the days of their QB Peyton Manning Junior's grandpa Archie.

I can't wait to see the Kilgore Rangerettes do their usual high-stepping routine, though this year they need to make sure to at least wear thongs.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Friday, January 2: The La Kit-Kat Go-Go Girls Club Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Tennessee vs. Clemson.

You gotta love a game which will feature more fans than teeth. The Tennessee faithful will sail down to Hotlanta in their riverboats. Meanwhile, the Clemson fans and their double-wides will head down to the final stop on the Terry Bowden farewell tour.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Friday, January 2: The Tostitos Fiesta Bowel, cleared by Olestra (Tempe, Arizona). Kansas City State vs. Ohio State.

Given the Buckeye offense this probably should be called the Siesta Bowel. KC State has had the best year of any team in Missouri, including the Cardinals, but I suspect it won't be enough against Ohio State. The return to Tempe should be an emotional one for OSU, as it was the scene of one of the Bucks' greatest triumphs, the signing of legendary coach John Cooper.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio State

Saturday, January 3: The Michael Jackson Hamatarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Tulsa vs. Georgia Tech.

I always look forward to watching the January BS bowels. It's pretty exciting that one of these premiere bowel matchups will be played on that famous Kentucky bluegrass Astroturf in Boise.

The origin of the Hamatarian Bowel is interesting. J. Lewis Hormel of the famous Hormel family went insane from that dreaded social disease psoriasis. He obtained that disease during his visit to the White House for the Boys' State program. Shaking hands with President Kennedy transferred some virulent germs from Judith Exner. Young J Lewis Hormel moved to Idaho after going nuts and spray-painting "SPAM RULES" all over the place.

While living in Idaho young J Lewis built a following and began spray-painting graffiti on a field painted the same color as the SPAM label, blue. The group eventually grew into a religion known as the Hamatarians. They worshipped on the campus of Idaho A&P University (Agriculture and Potatoes).

J. Lewis Hormel donated a lot of money to the school and they renamed it "Boys' State" in recognition of Hormel's background. In honor of J Lewis and his fellow graffiti artists, the school became known as the "Boys' State Vandals" and their games are played on that famous blue-tinged field. After another donation from the Hamatarian cult, the Hamatarian Bowel was born.

Famous football coach and bowel mogul George Perles sought to take over the Hamatarian Bowel and turn it into the "SPAM City Bowel" in honor of Coach Perles' favorite food. The effort was defeated, but Hormel had to spend most of his remaining fortune to stop Perles.

J. Lewis Hormel was infuriated and plotted his revenge. Entering the witness protection program, J. Lewis Hormel adopted an assumed name and worked his way up the coaching ranks to seize control of Perles' alma mater, Michigan State University, under his new name, J Lewis Smith, aka John L. Smith.

And now you know the rest of the story.

As for this year's game, I suspect the Bulldogs will get washed away by the Tulsa Golden Shower.

Beeno's Pick: Tulsa

Sunday, January 4: The Microsoft Sugar (TM) Bowel (New Orleans, Louisiana). Oklahoma vs. LSU.

BS national champion Oklahoma gets to prove itself worthy of its BS title against Louisiana State. Heiman winner Charles White Junior will look to join up with the Sooner band's pregame show and bang some trash can lids in honor of his father.

LSU got to this game by beating UGA on their home field in Atlanta, in a game memorialized by Charlie Jack Daniels in the Nick Satan tribute song "The Devil went down to Georgia".

I look for a lot of points, some great Cagin' cooking, and the greatest game at Tulane Stadium in several decades.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma