December 18, 2008

I was on the phone talking to my good friend Lee Corso the other day and I told him, "December is a great time of year".

He asked why. I noted the crispness in the air and the beauty of a virgin snow.

Lee started mumbling that he was surprised that Carlos Snow didn't get more action at a school like Ohio State and that he didn't think Carlos was all that attractive anyway.

I really don't understand Lee at times.

I mentioned that it wasn't just the wonders of winter, it was also the excitement of the approaching Christmas season. I had been trying to find stuff for Christmas, so my good friend Herb Street made a suggestion. It worked out great, so I told Coach that I found everything I could ever want or need at amazon.com. He then started talking about volleyball players and something about them not being good in sacks.

Did I mention I don't understand Lee at times?

Finally I told him that the best part about this season is that it's time for all the bowels. How I really enjoyed making predictions after careful examination of each bowel.

He then started spouting all sorts of hullaballoo about wheels and employment opportunities, he just kept on saying "jobs", "rim", "jobs", "rim" like he was in a trance. I figured it was time to get off the line.

I'm beginning to think Coach Corso isn't quite right in the head.

We're now up to 34 bowel games this year, and I for one am looking forward to sitting back in the recliner and watching every minute of exciting action.

Saturday, December 20: The Henry Paulson EagleBank Bowel (Washington, DC). Wake Forest vs. Navy

The Northeastern megalopolisis has not had a bowel game since the demise of the legendary Garden State Bowel. The Garden State Bowel drew hundreds of rabid college football fans from around the country to tour Camden and attend a football game in 20 degree weather.

This new game will have to work hard to recreate the magic of the Garden State Bowel. Inviting a couple 4-5 loss teams teams who have already met and staging the game in 40 degree weather may do the trick. If that doesn't work, the organizers should throw in a tour of the ESPN exhibit at the Smithsonian, they're going to display several dozen of my neck clips.

Beeno's Pick: Wake Forest

Saturday, December 20: The Ron Mexico Electrocuted Dog's Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Fresno State vs. Colorado State

While I have nothing against new schools playing college football, I don't like some of these trends. Creating a whole new state just so you can open a State university and have a football team seems a bit excessive. And where is this "State" of Colorado located anyway?

Beeno's Pick: Fresno State

Saturday, December 20: The MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). South Florida vs. Memphis

My good friend Mike Tirico tells me that the MagicJack is a wonderful device to take with you on a long lonely business trip.

I'm not sure why they're playing this game in Russia.

A few years ago, I saw this catalog full of Russian women who were looking for husbands. As I needed someone to handle the housework, especially the filthy bathroom, I ordered one named Svetlana.

She arrived at my home in Pittsburgh and asked if I wanted her to go into the bedroom. I said that room was further down on the list and that we should start in the bathroom. She smiled and said "oh, Mr Keenky" and I corrected her and said my name was "Mr. Cook".

She took one look at the toilet, started screaming in some foreign language, and dove through the window. I never saw her again.

Beeno's Pick: South Florida

Saturday, December 20: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Arizona vs. BYU

Apparently this is almost a home game for Bring-em Young, my good friend Chris Berman told me there are a lot of Morons in Vegas.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Sunday, December 21: The New Orleans Underwater Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Ole Southern Miss vs. Troy

Even though this is one of the early fleabag bowels, it's got a great matchup. One of the perennial programs in the middle of the pack of the SEC against Pete Carole's Men of Troy. Coach Ogre will try to beat his mentor, then he'll try to win the football game.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Tuesday, December 23: The Henry Paulson San Diego Credit Union Foreclosure Notice with Free Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). Boys' State vs. Texas Christian

People are saying this is one of the best matchups of the bowel season. You've got the Horny Methodists against the naughty guys from that place for bad boys in Nebraska.

I was looking at the map the other day, you've got some great football from Nebraska through Kansas, R Kansas, and Oklahoma and down into Texas. They should try to get all the teams in the middle of the country into one mega league to take on those 12 team leagues like the SEC and the Big Ten.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Wednesday, December 24: The Sun Valley Chamber of Commerce Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Notre Dame vs. Hawaii

Hawaii isn't as tough an opponent now that coach Jim Jones has ridden off with Marshall Applewhite on Comet Hale-Bopp. Irish coach Charles White has been dealing with bowel obstructions for years. So it's good that he'll be facing an opponent he can sail through like crap through a goose.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Friday, December 26: The Henry Paulson Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Florida Atlantic vs. Seamen U

Florida Atlantic, under legendary coach Howard Schembechler, has built up a nice little program and has really surpassed archrival Florida Pacific. Taking on Seamen U may be a little much though. I'm going with the Midshipmen.

Beeno's Pick: Seamen U

Saturday, December 27: The Tuffy Continental Tire Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). North Carolina vs. Western Virginia

Pat White's been a great quarterback for the pride of the Thomas Jefferson State. While you know I try to avoid talking about Notre Dame, I do wonder how Coach Charles White feels watching his son star for another school. Carolina's had a fine year too, but I have to give the edge to the team playing in their home state.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Saturday, December 27: The Henry Paulson Now Owns Lots of Big Box Stores Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Wisconsin vs. Florida State

You've got to love this showdown, Cheese vs. Sleaze.

Coach Corso tells me that cheese can be a real problem if you don't clean yourself enough.

I tell you, I think I'm going to have to have a translator on stand-by every time I talk to him.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Saturday, December 27: The Cubic Zirconium Emerald Bowel (San Francisco, California). California vs. Miami

Everyone seems to think that the Cal Bears will have an advantage, playing so close to home.

But I've been out in the Bay Area more than a few times. You ever try to cross that Bay Bridge? First of all, the top part goes west and the bottom part goes east and if you forget that you'll be dodging oncoming traffic all the way across and it takes forever. Second, you only pay the toll once and if you get it wrong you might get arrested. Third, there's this island in the middle and if you exit there you get stuck and have to swim for shore, and nobody's ever successfully escaped from the island.

Meanwhile, Miami just takes a ship through the Panama Canal and docks at Willie Maze Cove.

I'm thinking Cal will either be late for the game or stuck on that dang island with Clint Eastwood. Either way, they lose.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Sunday, December 28: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Northern Illinois vs. La Tech

Now I'm not opposed to foreigners playing our beloved sport, but La Tech is an exception. It's offensive to the traditions of football to replace helmets with berets. And they're guaranteed to wilt in front of Northern Illinois' ground game.

Beeno's Pick: Northern Illinois

Monday, December 29: The British Dental Association Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, England). North Carolina State vs. Rutgers

I've noticed that the NFL has started sending teams to London to play football. The NCAA is also experimenting with games in England, though I'm not sure what benefit there is to having a bunch of NJ gumbas traveling to the Mother Country. They'll run out of hair product in the first couple days and then there will be hell to pay. You think soccer riots are bad, just wait until some of these Italian guys get mussed up hair.

Beeno's Pick: Rutgers

Monday, December 29: The Presidente Felipe Calderon Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Northwestern vs. Missouri

Everyone talks about what a wonderful city San Antonio is. But I've been down to Riverwalk. That sewer of a stream wouldn't even be a tributary of the Allegheny River. And don't get me started about that huge foodless Taco Bell they've got nearby.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Tuesday, December 30: The Plastique Burress Gun Safety Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Nevada vs. Maryland

Plastique has always been one of my favorites, but, son, you've got to have the safety on when waving your weapon around. At least that's what my good friend Sean Salisbury said about using your camera phone.

This game will be interesting for the matchup between Nevada's pistol formation and Maryland's coach Fridge. The battle of the mascots will also be intruiging. Nevada's got this wolf-like mascot and, based on the photos, Maryland's mascot is a walking piece of poop.

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Tuesday, December 30: The Dallas Schoolbook Suppository Texas State Championship Game (Houston, Texas). RICE vs. Western Michigan

This will be a long trip for the Western Michigan Spartans, all the way to Houston. But it's not nearly as long a journey as that faced by the boys from Rhode Island Continuing Education. I still think RICE will win though.

Beeno's Pick: RICE

Tuesday, December 30: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Oklahoma State vs. Oregon

I was hoping this Oklahoma State Cowboy vs. Oregon Beaver matchup would come about someday, because I saw this strange movie a couple years ago about some Cowboys who didn't like Beaver.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Wednesday, December 31: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Houston vs. Air Force

While there's always the risk of rematches in bowel games, this one is a bit egregious. Air Force beat Houston in September in a game that was played in Dallas, so now they're going to head across the metroplex and play each other again. I predict another defeat for the Oilers.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Wednesday, December 31: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Oregon State vs. Pitt

This is quite exciting for my Panthers, as they'll get to play on the day before New Year's Day instead of playing in some fleabag bowel before Christmas.

Because the game is on CBS they're going to take the opportunity to promote their own announcers.

Be sure to tune in for the "Salute to Juarez" halftime show featuring CBS's Gary Danielson and a donkey named Tim Tebow.

Beeno's Pick: Pittsburgh

Wednesday, December 31: The Neil Diamond Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Vanderbilt vs. Boston College

BC has really turned it around since dropping football a few years ago. I bet Gordie Lockbaum is proud. Vandy has been the doormat of the SEC North for a long time, but now they get to go on their first bowel trip in a generation. I bet their alums and students have been making airline reservations for weeks now.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Wednesday, December 31: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Kansas vs. Minnesota

Now I'll be the first to admit that a lousy NFL team could beat even the best college team. But why they want to waste a perfectly good bowel game to stage a rematch of Super Bowel IV is beyond me. Hank Stram and Bud Grant should be ashamed of themselves.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas

Wednesday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Georgia Tech vs. LSU

I can identify with both teams. I had some Mexican take-out last night and it was so good and energizing that I felt like a Tiger. But today I have a rambling wrecktum.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Tech

Thursday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). South Carolina vs. Iowa

The one nice thing about these bowel games is that you end up with some matchups of schools and coaches who have never met before. In this case you'll have Visor Boy against Coach Fry, and my money's on the wizened old Texan.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa

Thursday, January 1: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Clemson vs. Nebraska

It's great to see how Clemson improved so much after some early season struggles. You've got to love those Bowden boys, they sure can coach up a storm. The Nebraska Cornholio had their own problems in recent years, but they've turned it around with another fine season and a New Year Day's bowel. Great job, Coach Osborn.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Thursday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Georgia vs. Michigan State

Even though Coaches Fulmer and Carr are out of the business, this game will continue in their honor. Georgia was one of the favorites for the national title, while the Michigan State Fighting Chippewas emerged to finish way up in the Big Ten.

This is a rematch of a game played 20 years ago, when an MSU Chippewa visit to the zoo resulted in baboons flinging poo at the players. UGA the Bulldog will take over for the primates this time.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Thursday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by Jimmy's Cut-Rate Outpatient Hip Replacement Surgery Centre (Pasadena, California). Southern Cal vs. Penn State

You've got to admire someone like JoePa. After last year's "accident" where he spent most of the second quarter of a game in the john, he fixed his problem by moving up to the press box right next to the bathroom. That way he doesn't have to spend half the game grinding his loins.

USC, after their warmup game in New Orleans, should be well prepared for the Nittany Lions.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Thursday, January 1: The Beta Carotine Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech

The Big East has really raised its profile in recent years and it's great to see the Big East championship game being played in a prestigious legendary venue like Joe Robbie Stadium.

Beeno's Pick: Cincinnati

Friday, January 2: The Depends Undergarments Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Texas Tech vs. Ole Miss

Now there was some controversy about how Texas and Texas Tech ended up tied for the Southwest Conference title. Because Tech beat Texas, they got the coveted bid to the Cotton Bowel, while Texas had to settle for the runner-up berth in Arizona. Tech will represent the SWC quite well in Dallas.

Don't forget to tune in for the Kilgore Rangerettes and their special halftime show with movie star Rod Jeremy.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Friday, January 2: The Henry Paulson Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Kentucky vs. East Carolina

I must admit, the ACC has done a great job in expanding, they've been adding teams from expansion states like East Carolina and border states like Kentucky. Because they're so large, they sent ten teams to bowels this year. Some of them didn't even play in the regular season, so they can line up in a non-rematch bowel like this one.

Beeno's Pick: East Carolina

Friday, January 2: The Brazilian Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). UTAH vs. Alabama

Now this bowel game makes football sense because they're both good teams, but also geographic sense. You've got the pride of Dixie and the pride of Houston meeting at a central site like New Orleans. I'm guessing they'll add a new stanza to 'Bama fight song about defeating the University of Texas at Houston, and probably claim their 53rd national title to boot.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Saturday, January 3: The Henry Paulson Bought Canada Too Bowel (Toronto, Ontario). Yukon vs. Buffalo

I get criticized for putting the knock on foreign teams, but this game is just fine with me because it's pretty much all Canadian. It's being played in Canada, and it features Canada's top college team, Yukon, against a Buffalo team that will soon be Canada's only team in the NFL.

Beeno's Pick: Yukon

Monday, January 5: The 45-35.com Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Texas vs. Ohio State

You've got to love some of the great families in college football. Like the Mannings with Archie, Peyton, and Peyton Manning Junior. Or the Sims, with Billy, Ken, and Chris. Ohio State now has record-setting RB Terrell Davis's son Prior starting at quarterback.

Texas features Colt McCoy, who won the Heiman Trophy (named for the player with the girlfriend that sportswriters most wish they'd deflowered).

This game is surrounded by some controversy. You've been hearing for over a week now about how unfair it is to be sent to Arizona for a bowel game, when others got a better slot. And you've been hearing about the result of the head to head meeting.

Well, I don't understanding the whining. The head to head result spoke volumes, and thus Penn State is going to Pasadena.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Tuesday, January 6: The Henry Paulson Auto Repossession GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Tulsa vs. Balled State

Because college football is such a great sport, I think it's fine that they have farm teams, like the Tulsa Hurricanes, an affiliate of the Miami Canes. Balled State is a farm team for the recently moved Arizona Cardinals, but these baseball players sure can play some football.

Beeno's Pick: Balled State

Thursday, January 8: The BS Title Game (Miami, Florida). Florida vs. Oklahoma

Now everyone has been awaiting this matchup. ESPN has been building up the feud, some say that ESPN has been really disrespectful to the pride of Oklahoma, how they've favored Florida in the dispute.

It will be the biggest event on television that night and what a showdown it will be.

Forget about the schools, this is about the two most talented and hottest star attractions you'll ever see, with all sorts of controversy between them, the Gator and the Okie both have received lots of awards and attention. We're talking major excitement, a lot of tension as the showdown arrives, and all sorts of gimmick bets.

I will say for the record: The highlight of the entire bowel season will be this halftime match between OU's Stacey Dales and FU's Erin Andrews, especially with FOX TV installing the world's largest jello ring.

I understand the NFL's Fred Smoot is going to show up to officiate with his doubleheaded "best friend".

There will also be a football game, with R Ban Meyer's boys going up against the Sooners. You can't spell BS without Bob Stoops. Oklahoma will break their multi-year dry spell.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma