December 12, 2012

It seems like just yesterday that we were starting the college football season and now we're ready for the climax, the bowel season.

Personally I'm all set up to join some of our finest departed college football coaches to watch the games. I understand that it will be a three week long celebration.

From what I've been told, things get a little wild. Woody supposedly likes to tell everyone the same joke he's been using for years: "You know why Bo Schnellenburger eats his bran flakes on a plate? Because if the bran was in his bowel he'd lose his stools."

I think Coach Hayes is still having problems with his blood sugar. Anyway, he and Bo then start throwing chairs at each other.

Some of the all-time great players like to hang out too, but most of them got so tired of their coaches in college that they prefer to watch with their old teammates. Ricky Bell told me he never wants to see John McKay again after McKay made a joke about the LAPD arresting the wrong running back.

In any event, even though I'm now in a new location, the bowel games are going to be just as fun as they've ever been. We've got 35 of these hum-dingers this year, featuring some of the finest 7-5 teams in the country.

The bowels spread over 23 days, which kind of reminds me of my bout with Montezuma's Revenge. Most of the games will be on the ESPN family of networks, so don't forget to tune in for some of the freshest commentary from my good friends Herb Street and Coach Corso. As long as Lee takes his saltpeter I think Herb will be safe.

And, with no further ado, here's my bowel preview.

Saturday, December 15: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Nevada vs. Arizona

This game will match up the Dick Rodriguez Western Virginia spread offense against the Nevada Pistol. Dick probably wishes he has old Morgantown Mountain Man mascot and his musket to defend against the Runnin' Rebs.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Saturday, December 15: The Dan Quayle Humanitarian Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Toledo vs. University of Texas at Houston State

It's beena pretty impressive run for the University of Texas at Houston's two new D-1 programs. While U.T.A.H. is not in a bowel this year, U.T.A.H. State will pick up the slack. The Texans will face quite a challenge from the Toledo Mud Rockets.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H. State

Thursday, December 20: The Dying Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). Bring 'em Young vs. SDSU

Some bowel games are now doubling as conference title games. In this case we've got the WAC championship between the Cougars of BYU and SDSU, probably the two whitest teams this side of the 1963 Celtics. While SDSU's climb has been impressive, I think they'll return, defeated, to South Dakota.

Beeno's Pick: BYU

Friday, December 21: The Beef O'Stroke'Em'Off Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Bald State vs. Central Florida

George O. Leary has put together a pretty good UCF program since his one-week tenure at Notre Dame. He's probably got his boys all lined up for an invite to join the ACC. And Bald State may soon become one of the premier members of the Big East.

Beeno's Pick: UCF

Saturday, December 22: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). East Carolina vs. Lafayette

La Tech has been disqualified from bowel season due to an unfortunate incident involving some personal device from Paris. I told my good friend Dave Diles that a French Tickler had led to a school being banned from bowels. He said they were using it in the wrong place. I don't understand Dave at times.

The other Frog team, Lafayette, will replace La Tech, but they'll have a tough time with expansion state East Carolina.

Beeno's Pick: East Carolina

Saturday, December 22: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Boys' State vs. Washington

I used to make an occasional trip to Las Vegas. It was always good to lay down some money on college football games. But then my friends would drag me to a show or two. Look, if I wanted to see dancing girls in short skirts I'd go to one of those Greenwich Village clubs. Speaking of which, Boys' State has been great this year. They'll make the Huskies roll over and play ookie cookie.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Monday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Southern Methodist vs. FSU

I am impressed with Coach Bowden's replacement. Jim Bob Fisher will have the Noles back to dominance in no time. That being said, it is risky to try to play two bowel games within just over a week. They're still good enough to beat SMU. Which reminds me, whatever happened to the Pony? Has anyone seen the Pony?

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Wednesday, December 26: The Domino's Little Caesar's Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Seaman U vs. West Kentucky

West Kentucky just made a bold move and hired Coach Petrino after he sat out the past season. After his experience at R Kansas it's pretty clear that Coach likes those hillbilly lasses. I'm just confused as to why the University of Kentucky would form a separate state just to get out of the SEC. WKU will gobble up the Seamen.

Beeno's Pick: West Kentucky

Thursday, December 27: The People's Liberation Army Militia Bowel (Washington, DC). Boweling Green vs. Stan Jose State

The MAC sent a lot of teams to bowels this year, the league has really been taking a step forward. The MAC is the cradle of coaches, so it is a bit surprising that not every MAC team in a bowel is losing a coach. In this game, it's the opponent who lost a coach, to Colorado. Of course given the way the Golden Buffaloes have been playing of late, it's not clear whether that's a step up or a lateral move.

Beeno's Pick: Stan Jose State

Thursday, December 27: The Macy's Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). Duke vs. Cincinnati

Another coaching move involved Tubby Tommerville, who went from Texas Tech to Cincinnati. I guess he has been itching for a shot at the NFL.

Duke is one of the surprise teams of college football. It's been pretty tough to win in Durham, not since Coach Superior has a Duke team done so well. At one point I figured they'd just hire coach K, but Duke wouldn't do very well if every player fell to the ground as soon as they're touched.

Beeno's Pick: Cincinnati

Thursday, December 27: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Baylor vs. UCLA

The Baylor Bears have reloaded after losing star quarterback RG the Third. Coach Teaff has done a great job. The Bears will take on the Bruins in one of the most exciting ursine battles since that 1960's special "Grizzly Adams Gets Eaten by Big Ben".

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Friday, December 28: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Louisiana-Monroe vs. Ohio

The Boxcar Bowel clearly has gotten sensitive about its name, so they made sure to invite teams with 4 losses rather than 6 losses. Former Nebraska coach Solich has done a great job with Ohio. I remember last year telling my good friend Lee Corso that Ohio's quarterback, Tyler Tettleton, is the son of a former major league catcher, Mike Piazza. Lee said that Piazza was occasionally a pitcher too. I don't understand Lee at times.

Beeno's Pick: Monroe

Friday, December 28: The Capital One Bowel Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Virginia Tech vs. Rutgers

This is kind of a warm-up bowel, as it's the opening game prior to the SEC vs Big Ten Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic played in the same stadium. And it's a couple warm-up teams, what with future SEC North member Va Tech playing future Big Ten Leagers Division member Rutgers. In the game the SEC will rule.

Beeno's Pick: Va Tech

Friday, December 28: The Enron Texas State Championship Game (Houston, Texas). Minnesota vs. Texas Tech

Here's a couple teams that really struggle to hang onto coaches. Coach Tommerville is only the latest to ditch Texas Tech, after the earlier loss of former Michigan QB Rick Leach and Indiana legend Pat Knight. Minnesota has had a rough time too, having lost Lou Holts and Glen Mason. Of course Coach Mason lost his job after somehow blowing a 31-point lead to Texas Tech. The Molden Gophers these days have been struggling, their offense has been giving people fits, especially the coach.

Beeno's Pick: TTU

Saturday, December 29: The Dear Respected Kim Jong Uno Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). R.I.C.E. vs. Air Force

The Pinstripe Bowel is the real boxcar bowel, an Air Force team that struggled to finish 6-6 vs. an online adult ed school. Go with the guys from Providence.

Beeno's Pick: Rhode Island Continuing Education

Saturday, December 29: John Gotti's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Syracuse vs. Western Virginia

This is a matchup of schools that have been moving around a lot of late. Syracuse is headed to the ACC and Western Virginia apparently is getting ready to secede from the Thomas Jefferson State. Maybe they'll change their name to East Kentucky.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Saturday, December 29: The Kate Moss Fight Bulimia by Eating Lame Duck Bowel (San Francisco, California). Navy vs. Arizona State

I'm sure everyone in San Francisco is looking forward to a bowel full of seamen. Of course, given the name of the game, it's probably Kate Moss's.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona State

Saturday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Texas vs. Oregon State

Since San Antonio is just down the road from Austin, this is almost a home game for the Aggies. In the game, however, I have to go with the Ducks.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Saturday, December 29: The Buffalo Wild Wings Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). TCU vs. Michigan State

Now I used to go visit Buffalo Wild Wings a lot, at least until they started running those stupid ads involving sprinklers. When you're fixing a game you don't turn on the sprinklers. You just slip your players a couple lead pipes, takes care of things pretty quickly.

Texas Christian has really emerged as a power in recent years, a couple years ago they earned the Southwest Conference's berth in the Rose Bowel. The Michigan State Fighting Chippewas have had an up and down season. I'm not sure it's a good idea for the MSU program to be playing in a bowel named for a bar.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Monday, December 31: The Slayer Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). North Carolina State vs. Vanderbilt

I like teams that have sponsors. That's why I've always been a fan of the Vanderbilt Commodes. They make pretty solid toilets, they can withstand a Taco Bell weekend, trust me on that. North Carolina State, like many teams in bowels this year, is changing coaches. It won't help them in this game.

Beeno's Pick: Vanderbilt

Monday, December 31: The Vicente Fuentes Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Georgia Tech vs. Southern Cal

The Sun Bowel is a great game thanks to the special halftime shows from the Ciudad Juarez. This year the Juarez band is honoring America's contributions to the Mexican economy with a marching bong formation. Georgia Tech has struggled against talented teams this year, but this is not a vintage USC team. I was sorry to hear that defensive coordinator Monty Kiffen resigned in order to spend less time with his family, but I can't blame him. I still think the Trojans pull it out and I'll be pulling it out for the Song Girls.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Monday, December 31: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Tulsa vs. Iowa State

With all this conference realignment I was a bit surprised that Tulsa wasn't invited to join the Big Eight. Instead they'll have the grand opportunity for a rematch against Iowa State. It's the battle of the one-eyed mascots, the Hurricanes vs. the Cyclops.

Beeno's Pick: Tulsa

Monday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Clemson vs. LSU

Now people talk about Coach Miles being a bit goofy, but at least he's not named Dabo. This should be a great matchup as both teams have a lot of talent. In the game I give the edge to the Tigers.

Beeno's Pick: The Tigers

Tuesday, January 1: The Stub Hub Ticket City Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Purdue vs. Oklahoma State

Purdue is another bowel team that fired its coach, and that's after making a New Year's Day game! To be fair, it's a game being played on New Year's on ESPNU, which has almost as many viewers as the Home Shopping Network. Be sure to watch the old ad of me selling neck clips on HSN, they've got an HSN Classic show now.

As for the game, Oklahoma State lost a lot of players from last year's team, but their coach is still 40. Purdue lost almost nobody, but their coach is gone. Edge to the Cowpokies.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Tuesday, January 1: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Northwestern vs. Mississippi State

Coach Mullen earned his stripes working for R Ban Meyer at Florida, so it's a big homefield advantage for him to be playing in his old stadium, the FU Gator Bowel. Northwestern is looking to win its first bowel game since I was on my second liver in 1949.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Tuesday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). South Carolina vs. Michigan

The ole ball coach gets to return to the Outback Bowel, because you can't spell Outback without UT. Meanwhile Michigan is hoping to continue its two quarterback system with their very special senior Dotard Robinson. Coach Superior will outduel Coach Flintstone.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Tuesday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Georgia vs. Nebraska

You have to love a matchup like this. You've got a bunch of red-clad yahoos in campers. And then there's Georgia. I believe that Wisconsin just scored another touchdown against the Cornholio.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Tuesday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Ex-Lax (Pasadena, California). Wisconsin vs. Stanford

I actually preferred the good old days when the Big Ten only embarrassed itself once on New Year's Day. This year, by this time, they'll be 0-4 and heading to 0-5. But I have a hunch that the Badgers will load up the lard IVs behind coach Alvarez and grind the Stanford Indians into the ground.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Tuesday, January 1: The Beta Carotine Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Florida State vs. Northern Illinois

Here's where the BS system gets off track. You have a team that won a solid conference playing multiple ranked teams with a close win in its championship game and richly deserved its BS bid. Then you have a team that won a relatively weak conference and somehow skates into the Orange Bowel. I don't get why Florida State got invited.

Beeno's Pick: Northern Illinois

Wednesday, January 2: The Brazil Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Florida vs. the St. Louisville Cardinals

Florida has bounced back from a couple rough seasons. Their reward is to play the champions of the Big East and the NL Central, the St. Louisville Cardinals. Even though Albert Pujols is gone, the Cardinals bring a lot of power. But I think the Gators have a bit too much.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Thursday, January 3: The Salt River Waterskiing Club Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Oregon vs. Kansas City State

This is a fantastic matchup, almost as good as the Stanford vs. Oklahoma State game played here a year ago. Calvin Klein brings a bit of dash to the pride of the Show Me State, but Marcus Mariota heads the finest Japanese-led air attack since Pearl Harbor.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Friday, January 4: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Oklahoma vs. Texas A&M

Jimmy Football took the Heisman Trophy this year for the Horns. He's had a great season. It's great that the old Horns/Sooners rivalry will be rekindled in the Cotton Bowel. I always have had fond memories of the Texas State Fair and the fine midway games, many of which involved 10,000-volt electric shocks.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Saturday, January 5: The Compost Bowel (Birmingham, England). Pitt vs. Ole Southern Miss

This is another boxcar bowel and it's got to be exciting for my Panthers, as they're making their third straight trip to the Mother Country, under their fourth coach. I'm not sure how a school has four coaches for three games, but, given the way the Pitt athletic department is run, I'm amazed that the school still can afford to make payments on its stadium. Ole Southern Miss had a rough time in the SEC South, but I give them the edge in this game.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Sunday, January 6: The Sean Kemp GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). R Kansas State vs. Kent State

I think it's great that there's now a BS Bowel game for the little conferences. Except apparently the BS bowel people took the MAC runner-up to go against the Sun Belt champion. R Kansas State will leave a lot of carnage in its path, but I predict fewer than four dead in Ohio.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas State

Monday, January 7: The BS Title Game (Miami, Florida). Alabama vs. Notre Dame

So now we have the ultimate showdown. God's team against (Nick) Satan's team.

Two great traditions -- the two schools have combined to win a claimed 93 national titles.

Wonderful logos -- the Irish dwarf and the package of Tide detergent.

Great coaches -- wrapper B Kelly and the already legendary Nick Satan.

Memorable helmets -- the Bama helmet with the player's IQ on the side and the Irish helmet with the lucky cloverleaf.

Great old coaches -- I hear that Ara and the Bear will meet at halftime to wrassle for the 1973 title.

Religious traditions -- the Irish faithful will be throwing holy water and communion at their players while the Babtists will try to deep fry the wafers.

Fine quarterback memories -- Tom Clements throwing a 40-yard pass to clinch the 1973 Sugar Bowel and Joe Willie Namath throwing an incomplete pass at Suzy Kolber on Monday Night Football.

And what should be some great pregame scenes -- the Irish kneeling in prayer, hoping to complete their rejuvenation and the Tide carving a pentagram in the field to honor their Dark Lord.

As for the game, I expect a close defensive struggle and a new national champion.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame