December 16, 2015

We've had yet another fantastic college football season and now we're embarking on the most exciting time of the year. I told my good friend Pat Summerall "I'm looking forward to two weeks of exciting bowel action". He suggested I invest in some Immodium.

I don't understand Pat at times.

We're doing things a bit differently this year due to last year's problems. Late, great coaches will be separated by conference. You'll recall that Ohio State upset Alabama in the Sugar Bowel a year ago. By the end of the game Coach Hayes was so excited that he started punching everyone in the room and Coach Bryant didn't take too kindly to that, so there was a knockdown dragout brawl between them. Coach Bryant eventually prevailed.

This year things should be more peaceful. Coach Bryant has a long-standing relationship with Coach Daugherty going back to the segregation days when the Bear sent African-American kids up north to play for the Fighting Chippewas. But we're still keeping them in separate rooms just in case. Similarly Coach Hayes will be kept away from Coaches Rockne and Leahy, though my money's on Woody if there is any tussle. He's been working out ever since he got that houndstooth hat removed from his hiney.

So we're just about ready to watch all 40 bowel games, all 87 teams, and the numerous 5-7 teams that will grace our TV sets between now and early January. Here is my preview of all the bowels:

Saturday, December 19: The Vatican Curio Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Stan Jose State vs. Georgia State

It's pretty exciting to have teams with a combined record of 11-13 playing in the post-season.

It goes back to the early 70's when the Tangerine Bowel in the same stadium matched a 5-6 Georgia team against the Toledo Mud Rockets. Inspired by that tradition (or maybe they were running out of teams for the bowel games) this year they are letting the Bulldogs' JV squad play in a bowel. But even the SEC junior varsity can topple a team from the Pacific Coastal Athletic Association.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia State

Saturday, December 19: The Gilda's Mexican Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Arizona vs. New Mexico

This is an interesting matchup of coaches who used to be on bigger stages, with Dick Rodriguez of Western Virginia and Michigan fame. He'll be going up against Bob Davis, who coached Notre Dame for a few hours until that resume scandal. This is also a cross-border battle with some of Phoenix's finest athletes competing for Arizona against Mexico's finest. I'll go with the Yanks.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Saturday, December 19: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). U.T.A.H. vs. Bring 'em Young

This is why I like bowel season, you get teams that normally wouldn't have any reason to play facing off. Bring 'em Young has struggled some with injuries but played a tough independent schedule. They'll have what amounts to a home game against the visitors from Houston. But it won't be enough.

Beeno's Pick: The University of Texas at Houston

Saturday, December 19: The Raycom Blue Grey Hurricane Camellia Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Ohio vs. Appalachian State

I used to love watching the Blue Gray game. You'd get some of the fattest Civil War re-enactors dressed up in old uniforms stabbing each other with plastic bayonets. Then they'd have a football game between seniors from teams that didn't make bowels. Then the guys in uniform would come out and stab each other a few more times.

Now it's just another minor bowel game, named after that awful damaging hurricane from the late 60's. These days instead of Hurricane disasters we have Hannah Storm.

Beeno's Pick: Appalachian State

Saturday, December 19: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). R Kansas State vs. La Tech

This is another battle of JV teams, but at least this one won the SWC championship over Texas State. They'll be no match for the Fighting Frenchmen of La Tech, who will feel at home with all the Cagin' accents.

Beeno's Pick: La Tech

Monday, December 21: Miami Marlins Bowel (Havana, Cuba). West Kentucky vs. South Florida

One of the great innovations in college football the last few years has been all the new teams added thanks to the expansion states. There was no need to limit us to 50 states anyway, when you add new states like West Kentucky and South Florida you end up with new college football teams, and that's what it's really all about.

Beeno's Pick: West Kentucky

Tuesday, December 22: The Anus Idaho Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Acorn vs. U.T.A.H. State

It's pretty exciting to see Coach Bowden back in a bowel game. He's done a great job of turning around Acorn, just as he turned around Western Virginia and Florida State. I wish him well, but he's going to struggle against the boys from the Lone Star State.

Beeno's Pick: The University of Texas at Houston State

Tuesday, December 22: The La Cosa Nostra Boca Raton Bowel (Fort Lauderdale, Florida). Toledo vs. Temple

The Mud Rockets are likely the second best team in their state, ahead of Michigan. They should be well prepared for this Tuesday night battle after all the midweek MAC attack games. Temple is just glad they're not being forced to play on the Sabbath.

Beeno's Pick: Temple

Wednesday, December 23: The Poinsettia with Salmonella-Ridden Turkey Bowel (San Diego, California). Boyes' State vs. Northern Illinois

I've been impressed with Boyes' State's quarterback, it's been decades since Mark Rypien played even in the NFL but he's holding his own against much younger competition. Northern Illinois had some pretty exciting games of their own, drawing crowds in the hundreds out in that DeKalb cornfield.

Beeno's Pick: Boyes' State

Wednesday, December 23: The Antonio Cromartie GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Georgia Southern vs. Boweling Green

Boweling Green seems to lose a lot of coaches to other schools. Other than R Ban Meyer they've not done too well after leaving. I'm sure the BGSU fans are a bit tired of seeing coaches leave. Their former coach and Miami QB Gino Torretta Babers, just left for Syracuse, which is likely punishment enough. Can't stand those orange testicles. Meanwhile Georgia Southern is just excited to be in a bowel.

Beeno's Pick: Boweling Green

Thursday, December 24: The Poopeye Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Bahamas). Middle Tennessee vs. Western Michigan

The Bucking Broncos talk about rowing the boat, well, this is going to be quite a long boat ride all the way to the middle of the Atlantic. As long as they don't hit the Bahamas Triangle they should be fine.

Middle Tennessee is probably the best team in Nashville, ahead of Vanderbilt and the Titans.

Beeno's Pick: Western Michigan

Thursday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Cincinnati vs SDSU

It's going to be pretty exciting for two flyover country teams to head off to beautiful Hawaii on Christmas Eve for this game. The Bengals would seem to have an edge, but I'm seeing an upset in this one.

Beeno's Pick: South Dakota State

Saturday, December 26: The Barney Ruble Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Yukon vs. Marshall

Marshall would normally be a strong favorite, but you have to remember that the climate in Russia is pretty similar to what the Huskies see in Whitehorse. So the Canucks will play tough against the Thundering Nerds.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Saturday, December 26: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Miami vs. Washington State

This could be a disaster off the field. You get famous coach and quarterback Rick Leach close to the Mexican cartels and then you bring in the Hurricanes. Two Live Motley Crew's Luther Doak Campbell and his minions probably shouldn't be heading to Juarez and the strip clubs or they'll all be performing with Long Dong Donkey. At least Miami no longer has to worry about the behavior of Al Golden Shower.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Saturday, December 26: The Scrotum of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Washington vs. Ole Southern Miss

The Washington team has had a nice turnaround under Coach Peterson. Pretty soon they'll be back at the level they were at under Coach Neuheisel, though with less wimpy guitar music. Ole Southern Miss has had a solid season as well. I've got to go with the team from the better conference, the Pac-8.

Beeno's Pick: Washington

Saturday, December 26: Derek Jeter's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Indiana vs. Duke

Now everyone is going to say this is a great basketball matchup, but it really isn't. Indiana's got too much speed on the perimeter and would dunk on Duke's offensive line all night. So it's probably better for Duke that they're playing football. They should have little trouble penetrating the IU D.

Beeno's Pick: Duke

Saturday, December 26: The Compost World Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Tulsa vs. Virginia Tech

There is nothing more appropriate than a Boxcar Bowel matchup between two 6-6 teams. This will be Frank Beaner's finale, though it seems like he retired 10 years ago.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Saturday, December 26: The Foster Brooks Bowel (Santa Clara, California). UCLA vs. Nebraska

I've gotten to know this bowel's namesake up here in the great beyond. He's got access to the best hooch. The game is a matchup of name programs trying to regain past luster. The Bruins should be able to settle down the Cornholio.

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Monday, December 28: The People's Liberation Army Militia Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Pitt vs. Navy

I don't like it when a bowel game is a home game for one of the teams, but that's the case this time for the Navel academy. I do like the challenges as my guys' defense, structured by head coach Pat Doozy, has to defend Keenan Ivory Reynolds and all the funny stuff he does on the field. I give my Panthers two snaps up.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Monday, December 28: The Quickie Lane Glory Hole Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Seaman U vs. Minnesota

You'd have to figure that a navel school like Seaman U would love a few quickies in a glory hole. But I think the Golden Buffaloes will take this one going away.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Tuesday, December 29: The Society of Friends Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). California vs. Air Force

Interestingly enough, the Air Force Academy avoids going to the air, instead they love to run the ball. I'm sure all the infantry grunts who can't stand the flyboys are suitably impressed.

Meanwhile they'll be competing against a bunch of hippies, led by that creepy Jared guy at quarterback. Guys like that don't last long up here. Sometimes they slip through due to lack of due diligence, but then they get shipped out through a transfer station that's now named Fort Sandusky.

Beeno's Pick: California

Tuesday, December 29: The Michael Vick Jack Russell Bowel (Orlando, Florida). North Carolina vs. Baylor

The Bears are running out of quarterbacks, they're now putting wide receivers out there. Pretty soon they'll be trying a placekicker. Meanwhile the Tar Heels had a fine season, as long as they weren't playing anyone from the Palmolive State. I think Baylor gets healthy just in time.

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Tuesday, December 29: The Aldo Nova Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Nevada vs. Colorado State

It's good they mix in some new formats for these bowels, especially this new game in Tucson. So I don't get the complaining, this is a fine conference championship game for the WAC.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Tuesday, December 29: The Enron Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). LSU vs. Texas Tech

I've always said LSU is like Dracula, they suck the most at night. Coach Miles is now like Rasputin, they can't kill him off, and pretty soon he'll be boning the university king's wife. I will say the site is a big advantage for Texas Tech, as they'll be playing the game in their home state and will face far less travel time than their foe.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Wednesday, December 30: The JRR Tolkien Bowel (Birmingham, England). Auburn vs. Memphis

I really liked this Tiger on Tiger matchup at first but now we know that Memphis will be missing two key men: Head coach Tito Fuentes has left for Va Tech and quarterback Paxton Lynch been banned due to his surname. Meanwhile Auburn has struggled all year, but they'll have enough to win.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Wednesday, December 30: The J C Penney's Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). North Carolina State vs. Mississippi State

You have to love teams with such famous fictional names. The Bulldogs feature Darth Prescott and Dan Mulder of X files fame. NC State doesn't have anyone like that, unless you count Valvano. But he wasn't fictional. Believe me, I have to listen to him yelling every day. If and when Vitale shows up here I'm going to petition to move to Purgatory.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Wednesday, December 30: The Tyler Swift Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Texas A&M vs. St. Louisville Cardinals

Coach Sumlin has had a really rough year but I think it will all come together against Dan and Mark McGuire and the Roid Boys. I'm going with A&M.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Wednesday, December 30: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Wisconsin vs. Southern Cal

I'm not sure how this game will work coaching-wise. Southern Cal has fired most of their coaches since the season ended and I'm guessing the Badgers will once again put in their bowel game coach, Barry Alvarez. This game harkens back to the legendary Ron Vanderkelen and the 1963 Rose Bowel, when Wisconsin made a great comeback but came up short against USC. The Badgers won't bust the Trojans this time either.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Thursday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Houston vs. Florida State

Florida State isn't quite as solid as they were the last two years. Meanwhile Houston has had a great year under new coach Tom Herman. I always hated that comic strip his father drew, with that bald twerp who would never talk. One time I was at the local fair and they had one of those moot guys in a cage with a beard. They said he was a wild man and couldn't speak. I said "I can make you speak" and took a leak on him. He sure started speaking then. I'd pay to see a Herman comic strip where someone tried to make him speak that way.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Thursday, December 31: The Capricorn One Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Oklahoma vs. Clemson

It's great to see all these music stars' kids out on the field. Snoopy the Dog's kid played a few weeks in LA. Bob Marley had a son who was a linebacker for Nebraska. And now Curtis Mayfield Jr is starring for the Sooners. He'll match up against Clemson's D. Shawn Watson in a quarterback duel for the ages. Expect a lot of points here and a closer game than last year's 40-6 Clemson win.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Thursday, December 31: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Michigan State vs. Alabama

The Fighting Chippewas and their coach Dan Tonio have to face Nick Satan in the other Satan's Lair. Everyone is calling this a teacher vs pupil matchup, but, trust me, those aren't fun. I had a teacher who used to try that pupil thing and would take a pencil and poke me in the eye. It sure hurt.

As for the game, expect a lot of defense and the Tide to score a couple more safeties that Michigan State.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Northwestern vs. Tennessee

This is quite a contrast. Northwestern usually draws 20,000 fans and Tennessee 100,000, but with roughly the same number of total teeth. Northwestern is an intellectual school while Tennessee has a checkerboard in their end zone because chess is too hard. Northwestern is coached by one of their former linebackers while Tennessee's coach Butch got fired by Carolina. I think this will go down to the wire.

Beeno's Pick: Northwestern

Friday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Michigan vs. Florida

I always say you can't spell Citrus without Coach Superior whispering some smartaleck comment about Phil Fulmer in your ear.

Florida returns to the Citrus with their brand new coach Jim Mcelwain. Michigan returns to Coach Carr's favorite game under their new head man Jack Harbaugh. Expect a lot of sideline antics and a close low-scoring game.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Friday, January 1: The BattleFrog Muddy Electroshock Treatment Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Notre Dame vs. Ohio State

You've got two legendary coaching names. Buckeye head man R Ban Meyer and infamous wrapper B Kelly. And you have the added angle of Ohio State losing one of their best defenders, Adolf Washington, for solicitation. I can't blame OSU, I can't stand those guys standing out there begging for money either.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Friday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Ex-Lax (Pasadena, California). Iowa vs. Stanford

This is shaping up as one classic traditional Rose Bowel. The Iowa Huckeyes haven't been to Pasadena since the days of Hayden Fox. You can bet the Ventura Freeway's shoulders and median will be jam-packed with tens of thousands of black and gold campers. But the fan advantage won't be enough to overcome the Cardinals.

Beeno's Pick: Stanford

Friday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss

I really like this matchup too. You've got T Boone Pickin' and his cow pokers competing against the toughest immigrant hombres from Ole Miss. Okie State started off really hot while Ole Miss was the only team to beat Bama. I think the losing streak extends to three for the pride of the Big Eight.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Miss

Saturday, January 2: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Penn State vs. Georgia

People ask me if I've seen Vince Dooley up here. I keep on telling you, Vince is still alive. Go visit him in Athens. The one in Georgia, not Grease. I will say I still haven't seen JoePa though.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Saturday, January 2: The Marcus Dupree's Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Kansas City State vs. R Kansas

Lots of geography challenged people don't realize that Kansas City is actually in Missouri, not Kansas. So this is a battle between two teams not quite in Kansas, which actually sounds like a blessing for both. The coaching contest will be fascinating, ancient coach Bruce Snyder going up against coach Butthead.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas

Saturday, January 2: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Oregon vs. TCU

This will certainly be an exciting game. Oregon has dropped off a bit from last year after losing the pride of Japan, Marcus Mariota. TCU has changed from a defense only team to an offensive juggernaut. There will be more scoring than my daughter on a date with the Wu Tang Clan.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Saturday, January 2: The StubHub TicketCity Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Western Virginia vs. Arizona State

Now this is another example of home field advantage. Arizona State will be playing right down the street from Tempe. Meanwhile Western Virginia has a really long journey from the Thomas Jefferson State.

I'd like to say they're saving the best for last, but this bowel game will end around 2 a.m. eastern time and only the die-hards will still be watching. Like me. And you. Isn't the bowel season grand?

Beeno's Pick: Arizona State