December 12, 2018

So we've finally gotten past all the regular season excitement, from Hawaii's August trip to Colorado State to last Saturday's Army/Navy game. We all started the year expecting big things about Alabama and Clemson and we were right. We all started the year expecting big things from Golden Tate's nephew Khalil Tate and the only big thing we got from Khalil was a huge pile of poo.

We also saw numerous stunning upsets, like Old Dominion over Virginia, Eastern Michigan over Purdue, Purdue over Ohio State, Ohio State over Michigan, and Michigan over their annual fourth place Big Ten South division finish.

If the regular season is a grand multi-week feast, then the couple weeks between the conference title game and the post-season is the prep, the colonic cleansing leading to bowel season.

It's been a rather laid back year up here, not as much drama as usual. I'd almost think some of these dearly departed coaches are getting mellow in their old age, except they really don't age anymore. Instead they're all back in their primes, so Coach Lombardi, who often stops by to visit us college types, has that hat of his and that big toothy smile. Coach Rockne still fits his sweatshirt perfectly. And Coach Hayes stands around in his shirt sleeves and skinny tie, unless he sees one of the old refs in which case his face turns as red as his tie and he starts pounding his fists against his head. In fact Coach Bryant so loves to needle Woody that he's been known to dress up in a ref's striped jersey just to get a reaction. Woody falls for it every time.

But even the coaches are like me, they just can't wait to sit back and let the bowel season start. So we're finally here. And I'm ready - here is my preview of all the bowels:

Saturday, December 15: The Saliva Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). North Carolina A&T vs. Acorn State

This is a fine way to start the bowel season, two fine schools meeting in the Peachtree State. The guys from Ohio won't know how to deal with the NC cheerleaders and all their fine A&T.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina A&T

Saturday, December 15: The Donald Trump Caravan Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). North Texas vs. U.T.A.H. State

Now this is a great intra-state matchup, with the guys from Denton taking on their rivals from the University of Texas at Houston State. I wouldn't quite call it a state title game though, unless it's for the state championship in sieve-like defense. Then again, I think Texas Tech has that award locked up in the Loan Star State. In any event, look for a lot of scoring and that's even after NTU's Phyllis George does the pregame show.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H. State

Saturday, December 15: The Robert Smith Cure Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Tulane vs. Louisiana

And here's another game between cross-state rivals. In this case you have all the rich kids who hang out in New Orleans taking on the rich kids who go to school in New Orleans. Now I'm still a bit confused about these satellite campuses in Louisiana these days. There's a University of Louisiana in Monroe, one in Lafayette, one in McNeese, and one for some reason in Tulsa. Meanwhile Tulane was originally called the University of Louisiana. This is starting to look more and more like an intra-squad game with everyone speaking Cagin' to each other. As for the game itself, I give a slight edge to the Green Wave.

Beeno's Pick: Tulane

Saturday, December 15: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Fresno State vs. Arizona State

The two teams themselves aren't all that exciting, but what a coaching matchup. Herm Edwards returned from the dead (just kidding Herm, though we'd love to have you visit) to take ASU boweling. Meanwhile Ted Ford has resurrected his career in the land of raisins. Herm has had as many odd decisions as Les Miles on a bender. Ted Ford has focused more on an exciting passing attack. I give his guys the narrow edge.

Beeno's Pick: Fresno State

Saturday, December 15: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Georgia Southern vs. Eastern Michigan

Now here are a couple directional schools going at it in a bowel game that will draw about as many people as a middle school game in Lubbock. The Eastern Michigan EMUs have made two bowels in three years, which means they should drink more of that Ypsilanti water to loosen things up. Georgia Southern has been wildly successful at lower levels but now is playing with the big boys. Well, maybe not the big boys, but the finest middle of the pack MAC team this side of Northern Illinois.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Southern

Saturday, December 15: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Middle Tennessee State vs. Appalachian State

This is a great matchup of two expansion state teams. The expansion state thing goes back to the earlier eras of college football, when people wanted more college football teams to follow. That led to new states being created so there could be more teams, which is how we ended up with states like South Dakota, East Carolina, and these two teams.

As for the game, there's all this talk about the Middle Tennessee quarterback being the son of the coach. Heck, that's pretty commonplace in that part of the south. I've seen some coaches who were both their son's father and brother. And sister too. I give the edge to the original mountain men.

Beeno's Pick: Appalachian State

Tuesday, December 18: The Mar-a-Lago Boca Raton Bowel (Fort Lauderdale, Florida). Alabama Birmingham vs. Northern Illinois

This is a pretty special bowel game because it's being played at a field named for a legendary south Florida coach, Howard Schembechler. Northern Illinois had an amazing comeback in the MAC title game, knocking off Buffalo. I'm sure Warren Moon felt there was some karmic justice in that.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama Birmingham

Wednesday, December 19: The XXL Bowel (Frisco, Texas). SDSU vs. Ohio

Coach Solich has done a great job at Ohio, putting together a really tough rushing attack, just like the old days at Nebraska. He's taken his team to post-season play in Texas, just like the old days at Nebraska. And, just like at Nebraska, he's added a small school patsy to his schedule. I think Ohio will have little trouble with the guys from South Dakota.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio

Thursday, December 20: The Rick Mahorn Bad Boys Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Marshall vs. South Florida

South Florida started out 7-0 then started playing real mid majors as opposed to cupcakes and finished 7-5. Marshall, by contrast, was up and down all year. Each school will have had a month off to break their tendencies. I think South Florida's losing streak continues at the hands of the pride of Huntington Virginia.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Friday, December 21: The Makers Mark Wanted Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Bahamas). Florida International vs. Toledo

The Toledo Mud Rockets are once again the finest MAC team in Michigan. FIU's vagabond foreign exchange students were whipped into shape by former Tennessee coach Butch Davis Jones and had a fine season of their own. I think Toledo's rushing attack will carry the day on the islands.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Friday, December 21: The Famous Anus Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Western Michigan vs. Bring 'Em Young

The Broncos kept their season together after losing their starting quarterback. Meanwhile BYU went from winning in Madison to losing to Cal, but quarterback PI Magnum had a great year which I'm sure pleased his TV star father. There could be some trouble in the land of the blue turf with all these BYU Moron fans wandering around town not getting drunk and not getting laid.

Beeno's Pick: Bring 'Em Young

Saturday, December 22: Jared Fogle's Bowel (Birmingham, England). Memphis vs. Wake Forest

Memphis has a really exciting running back in Darrell Henderson and I'm sure all the limeys eating prison-made Subway sandwiches will be thrilled to see him in person. Wake Forest has had a pretty good bowel streak of its own and I don't mean the type of bowel streak that Coach Wilkinson left in my bathroom last week. I predict quite the shootout as well as a high-scoring football game.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Saturday, December 22: The Kim Jong Un Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Houston vs. Army

As you'd expect, Army moves it on the ground. That's quite a contrast with Houston and its coach Marshall Applewhite, who is still floating around on that comet somewhere. Hey guys, you want to get to heaven, just play it straight. Be nice to people, don't troll too much on the Internets, slip a little money in the collection plate once in a while. Watching a comet fly by and putting your head in a plastic bag isn't the way to do it.

Beeno's Pick: Army

Saturday, December 22: The Niemann Marcus Dollar General Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Buffalo vs. Troy

This should be a pretty good game. Both the Men of Troy and Buffalo only lost 3 games. There will be a big home field advantage as the Trojans will have to travel over 2,000 miles from El Lay while the Buffalo fans will just drive up from Florida. Those Bills fans are a pretty loyal bunch and after all their Super Bowel failures I think they'll take a bowel this year. And maybe leave one too.

Beeno's Pick: Buffalo

Saturday, December 22: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). La Tech vs. Hawaii

Here's another bowel that's a virtual home game. La Tech will have to make a long flight from Paris then will be distracted by all the girls on the beaches. The Hawaii players are already used to that and will make the Frogs wave the white flag by the second quarter.

Beeno's Pick: Hawaii

Wednesday, December 26: The Perineum of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Boston College vs. Boys' State

It's great that Mark Rypien's son has turned his life around and started to shine as a quarterback after joining all the troubled kids at Boys' State. The discipline of football is great for him. Boston College has really turned things around since they resumed football, I had been really sad to see them drop football soon after Gordie Lockbaum's career ended. I predict that BC star RB BJ Dillon will be swallowed by the defense.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Wednesday, December 26: The Quickie Lane Glory Hole Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech

Coach Flick gets a real chance to row the boat here, right across the Detroit River to Canada. We'll see if the vessel dissolves on the way.

The real excitement is that it's coach Paul Johnson's final game coaching the engineers. I predict 50 triple options, 3 passes, a 2 1/2 hour game, and a fine sendoff for Coach Johnson.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Tech

Wednesday, December 26: The Cheez-It Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Cal vs. TCU

I remember years ago talking to my good friend coach Corso, he said he had a health problem. How his private areas had turned a bright orange. I asked him about various tropical diseases that I was exposed to during World War I, but he said he'd been tested for all of them and was clean. That was more than a bit confusing. He said it was pretty frustrating, then said he wasn't even enjoying sitting at home eating Cheez-Its and watching all his Emanuelle DVDs. Obviously I haven't been around Coach Corso for a few years, I hope he's figured out what caused his wing-wang to turn orange.

These two teams have surprisingly good on defense given that they play in leagues that play about as strong a defense as Barney the dinosaur vs a velociraptor. I have to give the edge to the Horny Toads.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Thursday, December 27: The Preferred Walk-On Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Temple vs. Duke

This is probably the bowel season's best basketball matchup. Of course I doubt folks in Shreveport even know what a basketball is, which is to their advantage. Can't stand those TV timeout segues with all the music.

This is an unusual matchup for another reason - each team has fewer than 6 losses. The Boxcar sponsors probably want their money back.

Beeno's Pick: Temple

Thursday, December 27: Derek Jeter's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Miami vs. Wisconsin

This is a rematch of a scintillating Orange Bowel from last season. Since then the schools' shared former president, Donna Sha-Na-Na, has taken her greasy hair and lousy comic skills to Congress, where she'll fit in perfectly.

The Badgers really underachieved this year, with quarterback Alex Horny Brook struggling with injuries. Miami had a pretty good season against MAC foes like Toledo, though I think playing teams in both the MAC and the ACC took a lot out of them. I think the month off will help them recover.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Thursday, December 27: The Enron Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Baylor vs. Vanderbilt

This has been a great season for the Vanderbilt Commodes. They quite appropriately qualified for bowel season by flushing away the Vols. Baylor also had a surprisingly good year, coming back from about as many scandals as Kevin Weinstein and Harvey Spacey combined. So it's fitting that I look for an affair with a lot of scoring.

Beeno's Pick: Vanderbilt

Friday, December 28: The Kenny G Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Purdue vs. Auburn

Purdue is pretty excited as they got to 6-6 and kept their coach. Auburn is pretty angry because they got to 7-5 and kept their coach. In this game I'll go along with my good friend Coach Hayes and take anger over pleasure.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Friday, December 28: The Camper Van Beethoven Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Western Virginia vs. Syracuse

Now this looked to be quite a matchup of quarterbacking progeny. You would have had actor Will Geer's grandson Will Geer III going up against Tony Dungey's son Eric, in what would have been a very high scoring offensive game. But Will the Third must have a bit of his granddad in him because he's backing out of the game to avoid an ow-ie. I'm expecting Grandpa Will to stop by here bawling his eyes out again over this.

There is a separate interesting angle to this game - it's an old school Big East matchup and could decide the winner of the Jack Lambert Trophy. We'll have to wait for the pre-game exam by Jack Lambert to see which team has fewer teeth and wins the trophy. As is the case in any other lousy dentistry situation, my money's on the Mountain Men.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Friday, December 28: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Iowa State vs. Washington State

The chief pirate himself returns to the great Southwest to take on the guys from Ames. Everyone has been talking about Washington State's quarterback Gardner Manshow and his mustache, but Coach Bryant told me Gardner's mustache was pretty mediocre, that if you wanted to see a good mustache you should have seen Mrs. Shug Jordan. "Damnit, Beeno, she had handlebars like Rollie Fingers, and when she paid off Shug's bet for the '73 Iron Bowel game it was really ticklish".

As for the game, the Cyclones have had a really up and down season while Wazzu looked great until they played UW in the snow. There won't be any snow indoors in San Antonio, so I expect this one to be a blowout.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Saturday, December 29: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Michigan vs. Florida

These two schools are meeting for the third time in four years, which means Florida plays Michigan almost as often as Alabama plays The Citadel. Gotta love SEC scheduling. Michigan started off slow vs Notre Dame, hit its stride, then got bamboozled by former Florida coach R Ban Meyer and his Buckeyes. So Jack Harbaugh's guys did fine except against the big boys. Similarly, Florida played pretty well as long as they weren't playing any big boys like Georgia, Kentucky, or Missouri.

In this game I expect something similar to the last couple meetings, a close game for a while then Michigan pulling away.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Saturday, December 29: The Wal-Mart Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). South Carolina vs. Virginia

This whole state championship game concept has expanded over the years to include out of state teams. In this case, it's not just that a team from outside the Thomas Jefferson State is competing, but it's also a home game for UVA! At least it's two ACC teams playing so they can figure out which team finishes in fifth place in the league this year.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Saturday, December 29: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). R Kansas State vs. Nevada

Now this is the kind of game you want played during the middle of the BS playoffs - two teams most people have never heard of from states that have about as many people as a New Jersey suburb playing in front of a bunch of Arizona retirees. I'm not saying this game will be a snoozer, but I hear the halftime show will be an exhibition baseball game. The good news is that one of the teams has to win. The bad news is that we'll have to wait about 24 hours to find out who it is as nobody will be watching the ending.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas State

Saturday, December 29: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Clemson vs. Notre Dame

This bowel schedule is pretty confusing. The BS playoffs will be played in December. Meanwhile traditional January games are being moved to December, like the Peach Bowel and the Mobile Bowel.

As for the game, this is certainly the best ACC title game matchup ever. The Irish have had a great season but Clemson looks to have a big edge on the defensive line. But I think wrapper B Kelly will have something up his sleeve, and, as usual, it will be connected to his bladder as he'll find a way to give the Tigers a golden shower.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Saturday, December 29: The Cheetos Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Alabama vs. Oklahoma

This is another perfect semi-final BS playoff matchup between two blue blood programs.

Both teams have great offenses, with Kyler Murray up against the Blowin' Samoan Tuba Tuiasosopo. Both teams have a lot in common on the defensive side of the ball too - they each play 11 guys on defense and the Oklahoma guys have been known to sometimes make tackles, just like Bama. Both teams are similar on the sideline as Nick Satan is the evil offspring of Beelzebub and Lincoln Riley coaches in Norman.

I think the only question is whether the Tide gets stopped more than a couple times in the game, so I'm going with Alabama in a high-scoring tilt.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Monday, December 31: The Visualize Whirled Peas Militia Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech

Virginia Tech suffered through some injuries but made a late run, thanks to a comeback against their cross-state rivals, to qualify for a bowel game. They'll have to take on a Cincinnati team that has shown some serious improvement over past years under Coach Waterboy. This should be a pretty good contest to lead off New Year's Eve, so slam some egg nog after each touchdown and enjoy a victory by the Bengals.

Beeno's Pick: Cincinnati

Monday, December 31: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Stanford vs. Pittsburgh

This is always one of my favorite games and that's even more true this year. First off, it's on CBS so we don't have to listen to my good friend Reese Davis in the studio. Kid still talks like he has marbles in his mouth and softballs in his scrotum. Secondly, my Panthers will be playing in it against the Stanford Cardinals. And, finally, the game has the greatest halftime show each year, with the salute to Juarez featuring Long Dong Donkey.

Beeno's Pick: Pittsburgh

Monday, December 31: The Foster Brooks Bowel (Santa Clara, California). Michigan State vs. Oregon

Both these schools have come down a bit from where they were just a couple years ago. Oregon's offense seems to be finally getting back on track. The Michigan State Fighting Chippewas have struggled on offense but have had a great defense all year. So this will be quite a battle in the trenches. My gut tells me to pick the Beavers.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Monday, December 31: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Missouri vs. Oklahoma State

This is what happens when you have too many bowel games, you end up with two teams from the same league playing each other. You'd think a round robin league like the Big Eight would lobby pretty heavily against this. The good news is that these two teams have great offenses so it should be exciting and high scoring. While normally I'd go with the Cowpokes, I sense a Tiger uprising in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Monday, December 31: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Northwestern vs. U.T.A.H.

The Wildcats have had some of the best losses of the year (Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame) and a couple of the worst (Duke and Acorn). Meanwhile the University of Texas at Houston has built itself into one of the best satellite campus programs anywhere. They've actually now outdone their sister campuses, the University of Texas at El Paso, the University of Texas at San Antonio, and the University of Texas at Houston State. While I think the Northwestern defense, led by star defensive end Joe Gazianoski, can slow down U.T.A.H. just a bit, I still give an edge to the guys from Houston.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H.

Monday, December 31: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). North Carolina State vs. Texas A&M

Coach Jim Bob Fisher gets to return to playing ACC teams in Florida in this matchup. Like many other bowel teams, Texas A&M has had an up and down season, highlighted by their 7 overtime win against the Bayou Bungholes. NC State started off really strong then faded as they got into the meat of the ACC schedule, which is like getting into the meat of a Chicken McNugget. Pretty thin gruel there, that's for sure. The bad news is that this game will be played while everyone is out celebrating New Year's Eve. The good news is that this fleabag of a bowel game will therefore not be watched by very many people.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Tuesday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Mississippi State vs. Iowa

The Huckeyes had a tougher schedule than usual as they didn't have to play their personal cupcake Ohio State. Mississippi State hired a new coach, kept on running the same offense, and finished, as usual, in the middle of the pack in the SEC South. This is the kind of game where both teams will be running the ball a ton. I expect a bit more success for Mississippi State and a fast game, which will be good for everyone with tinnitus as those Bulldog cowbells do get a bit annoying.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Tuesday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Kentucky vs. Penn State

The Wildcats are better known for basketball of course. The Nittany Lions are better known for football, at least they were back when cell phones weighted about 15 pounds apiece. I'd ask JoePa for his insights but nobody's seen JoePa around here. Not sure where he is.

As for the game, Penn State does have a rather varied offensive attack with a great quarterback and a fine young running back. Kentucky has done well behind star running back Matt Snell the Fourth. I'd ask Joe Namath what he thinks about Matt's great grandson's performance, but apparently Joe isn't up here yet. He just seems to be dead.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Tuesday, January 1: The Nintendo PlayStation Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). LSU vs. Central Florida

You have to give UCF credit, they go out and pound the hell out of mid-major teams like nobody this side of a middle of the pack SEC team. So it's fitting that, just like last year, they get bowel game against a middle of the pack SEC team. Meanwhile LSU, led by Coach Ogre, had a great win over Georgia to go with embarrassing losses to Florida and Alabama. I can hardly wait for the pregame pep talk, which will involve a bunch of mumbling plus references to gumba and crawfish.

As for the game, I think LSU's defense will slow down the UCF offense and the Bungholes will pound out a couple TD drives to win an ugly game.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Tuesday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Northwestern University (Pasadena, California). Washington vs. Ohio State

Now this is a classic old school Rosey Bowel, with two regular teams from the Big Ten and the Pac-8. None of this backwoods Oklahoma and Georgia stuff besmirching the sacred grounds of Pasadena with their filthy hygriene and odd religious views. Instead we'll have a team led by a Scientologist going up against a fan base who leave tobacco stains when they're not leaving worse stains.

The Buckeyes, behind R Ban Meyer in his final game, have a stunningly effective passing attack. I strongly suspect they'll be moving the ball at will in the game. And at sam and mike too. Meanwhile Washington will be aiming for a high scoring affair but I think Ohio State will get enough stops to prevail.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio State

Tuesday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Texas vs. Georgia

What an outstanding way to close out bowel season - two bigtime powerhouse programs from two really strong leagues facing off in a classic city like New Orleans. That being said, Texas is sure biting off more than they can chew in this one. On the field I think we'll see Georgia pulling away. Along the sideline I'll be watching UGA the bulldog as he starts humping the leg of that Longhorn steer Beavis.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia