2020 Week 9
November 23, 2020
We got to welcome yet another couple all-time greats up here recently. We've had some delays in processing people for our college football wing and so it was quite a pleasant surprise that my old friend Johnny Majors and his college archrival Paul Hornung arrived here at the same time.
Having been in processing purgatory for a few months Johnny made a beeline for the bar and was nearly knocked off his feet by Paul, who grabbed his drink and turned to face Johnny, saying "beat you to it, just like the Heisman". Johnny wound up, ready to take a swing, then Coach Bryant stepped in, spoke up in that drawl of his and told them to settle down, and both men proceeded to get drunk off their rear ends. The Bear is good at that, nobody wants to disappoint him. And everyone here likes to have a drink or three.
I'm very happy to have Johnny here, gives me someone to talk to about the good old days at Pitt. And Hornung has already started hanging out with Alex Karras and they spend most of their time making prop bets.
Speaking of the Panthers, they had little trouble with Virginia Tech 47-14. Elsewhere in the ACC Florida State backed out of a game against Clemson due to the virus. I wasn't even paying attention until Karras started doing an end zone dance as it turned out he and Hornung had a bet on whether FSU would chicken out of the game. Then my good friend Burt Reynolds showed up and insisted FSU hadn't chickened out and that the virus was pretty dangerous. Karras said "hell, I've seen you and Coach Corso out on the town, I think you two were probably Patient Zero for several venereal diseases, your herpes and gonorrhea antibodies should protect you against just about anything". That got Burt to pull back his fist and I thought we'd have another altercation.
This time Coach Bryant wasn't around so Coach Hayes came over to calm things down, which consisted of Woody telling everyone to shut the hell up and kicking them in the jimmy. It's not quite as effective as Bear's approach, but when people are doubled over in pain they stop fighting.
One of the wilder games took place in Piscataway NJ as Michigan defeated Rutgers in triple overtime, 48-42. Rutgers had taken a 17-0 lead then Michigan changed quarterbacks from Joe Milton to Cade McNamara. Switching from the distant offspring of an English poet to the grandson of broadcast legend Tank McNamara seemed to do the trick for the Wolverines. I'm sure Cade's QB uncle Cade McNown was proud as well.
Elsewhere in the oversized Big Ten Illinois beat Nebraska, 41-23. The Nebraska Cornholio went with retro uniforms in honor of their old legendary defenses, but their Illini ran all over them. I haven't seen a bunch of Blackshirts get routed like that since Mussolini's Army on Patton's drive to Messina.
There were two bigtime games in the league as well. Ohio State outlasted Indiana as the Huckeyes wrapped up IU's star quarterback in the first half but let Penix fire his balls all over the field in the second half. Wisconsin went into Evansville to take on Northwestern but turned the ball over 5 times and the Wildcats took command of the race in the Big Ten North division.
I have to admit many of the most interesting games were in the Upper Midwest, thanks in part to many SEC games being canceled and USC's failure to bring the Song Girls to Loan Star State for their game against the University of Texas at Houston. On Friday night Minnesota held off Purdue 34-31 after a controversial offensive pass interference call took away Purdue's go-ahead TD. I haven't seen an engineer get reamed like that since Quadratic Equation Night at Madame Ovary's House of Pain.
LSU and Coach Ogre held off R Kansas after the Hawgs missed a game-tying field goal. Meanwhile the R Kansas JV squad, R Kansas State, lost to their archrival Texas' junior varsity, 47-45. Coach Butthead must be really frustrated by now, he's probably anger eating so much that he could balance me on a teeter totter.
One of the best finishes occurred in Tulsa as the Golden Canes hit a Hail Mary to tie Tulane, survived a FG shootout in the first overtime, then had a 96-yard pick six to win the game in the second overtime. I still don't understand these overtime rules. Tulsa took the lead in the second OT but Tulsa didn't go on offense so Tulane wasn't given the chance to run back an interception or a fumble to re-tie things.
The other big game was in Norman, as Oklahoma pounded Oklahoma State 41-13. That victory in yet another trophy game means Oklahoma fraternities will take home the Bed-Lamb trophy, a very pliant and cooperative sheep.
Well we are almost to Thanksgiving which means it's rivalry week in college football. We've got some great traditional rivalries this weekend, including Stanford at Cal, Iowa State at Texas, Notre Dame at North Carolina, and Rutgers at Purdue. Talk to you soon!