2021 Week 1
September 8, 2021
It's been a very weird year and a half for all of us, even those of us who have passed on. As I noted last year, we are basically immune to this nasty virus, in fact we are immune to just about everything, even the clap, though it's still sadly true that none of those dearly departed Golden Girls will get near me. Maybe when Betty White makes the transition I'll have a shot. Just kidding, Betty, I hope you live to 100!
The good thing this year is that we are embarking on a more normal college football season, with full schedules, crowds in the stadium, bands on the field, Song Girls gyrating on the sidelines, coaches like Monte Kiffen watching from hermetically sealed chambers, and Song Girls gyrating on the sidelines. It's great to see a return to normalcy!
Speaking of returns, last month I was minding my own business in the loo when there was quite the pounding on the door.
"Dadgumit, Beeno, get your fat ass out here and say hello!"
So I waddled out and greeted my old friend Coach Bowden, who had just gotten through processing to join us up here. It was great to see Bobby, though he was a little bit disheveled as I had rushed out without getting fully re-dressed. In fact, he had fainted. That's okay, Coach Majors revived him with a couple shots of his old Franklin County Hootch and we had a really good visit.
There have been some changes as the game continues to evolve. For some reason this year some teams played doubleheaders to start the season, I'm guessing to make up for games that were canceled last year. This was an old tradition 100 years ago, where some programs would take on two different teams in one day, but had fallen by the wayside. But it's now made a comeback, albeit not as successfully for host schools - back in the 20's when Michigan would play Central Michigan and Eastern Michigan on the same day and win easily but these days things are tougher.
The Yukon Huskies invited two teams up to Whitehorse and both those schools, Holy Cross and Fresno State, clobbered the Canucks. Nebraska lost to Illinois but had little trouble with Fordham (Coach Lombardi told me his alma mater had gotten away from its blocks of granite approach).
On the positive side UCLA opened with a doubleheader sweep against Hawaii and LSU, which is a fine start for Coach C Kelly. Coach Kelly's cousin, controversial wrapper B Kelly, led the Irish down to Tallahassee and, after blowing a big lead, took out the Noles in overtime. Now I'm still a bit confused about these overtime rules. Apparently the teams had a field goal shootout but FSU got to try two and made one, while Notre Dame only tried one field goal, which they made, so apparently won due to hitting a higher percentage.
I was glad to see the entire Gameday Crew return, especially my good friend Coach Corso, who seemed reinvigorated. Coach had a rough time of it though when the Georgia Bulldog mascot Uga made an accidental mess on his shoe. That was a bit surprising, I thought it was more likely that Coach would accidentally poop on the dog.
In other ESPN news, I saw my good friend Holly Rowe ask Coach Kirby Smart about his "penetration", which led to many nightmares among our group.
There are always some new emerging stars, I noted to Coach Hayes that the St Louisville Cardinals had a new linebacker named Jack Fagot. Coach said "it's interesting, it's not pronounced the way you'd expect. It's pronounced Faygo, just like the soda". Then Coach Hayes went on to talk about some group of guys called the Clown Pussy and how he had just been named an honorary Juggaload. I don't understand Woody at times.
A number of teams had surprisingly tough starts. North Carolina laid an egg against Virginia Tech. And Indiana got clobbered at Iowa, as Hoosier quarterback Michael Penix was pretty flaccid as was the IU D.
Going along with the doubleheader concept was last weekend's I-AA showdown, where many I-A powers had a tough time. Washington laid an egg against the Montana Grizzlies. Highly rated Iowa State barely got by Northern Iowa. South Dakota struggled and eked out a win against I-AA Kansas.
Out in the WAC San Diego State had an easy win against Colorado State, as SDSU rolled 42-23.
One of the more shocking near upsets was Oklahoma holding on against Tulane. The Sooners are going to have to pick up the pace in order to take the Big 8 this season.
In a Big Ten showdown Penn State held off Wisconsin as the Ricardo's godson Graham Mertz threw two awful picks like he was his chubby daddy Fred.
R Kansas had an easy win against Rhode Island Continuing Education, beating R.I.C.E. by three touchdowns. In SWC conference matchups Texas Tech came from way down to blow out Houston, 38-21 and Baylor upended the Texas State Longhorn JV squad, 29-20.
I was also glad to see my daughter Beth Cook back in action. She managed to hold off the UTEP team from scoring for a half, then things got out of hand as they often do when she's hanging around football players.
So it's great to be back. I look forward to seeing next week's action, which includes matchups like Oregon at Ohio State, Iowa at Iowa State, the Texas vs R Kansas showdown, and Mercer High School at Alabama. See you soon!