December 14, 2022

Well, for the first time in 3 years we had a fairly normal season and now have arrived at my favorite time of the year, bowel season. It was great to not have games canceled, not to have games scheduled at the last minute on Monday to be played on Saturday, and not to have to watch coaches wearing their masks over their headsets. If I wanted to see something poking through fabric like that I'd go watch video of my good friend Coach Corso in his underwear observing squats during the NFL combine.

So now we arrive at bowel season. It looks like we'll have a full slate, unless teams start losing players due to the virus and cancel. Wait, that was last year. This year it's teams potentially canceling bowel participation due to players opting out to become an NFL undrafted free agent.

But we'll still have the bowels, stretched out over a 3 week period, ranging from games on Long Island to games in the Bahamas. At least that game in St Petersburg has been canceled, I'm guessing that's one of the biggest sanctions aimed at the Russians so far. You can boycott caviar and vodka, but take away a college football featuring two 7-5 teams, that's got to hurt.

So let's all sit back, break out the booze, get out the remote control, sit back, and watch some bowels when the Song Girls perform. Before and after them we can watch some football.

Now I was wrapping up this introduction when I heard a pounding at the door. "Hey, Beeno, you old slob, what the hell are you doing?" I opened the door and there was Coach Leach. I tell you the processing here has really sped up of late.

I said "hey, Coach, welcome! How did the intake go?". He said he'd had a long conversation with the Bear about the where he'd be hanging out and how his life had gone and so forth. I said "I thought people met with St Peter". "Apparently Coach Bryant just likes to humor him by letting him handle things some of the time, otherwise Coach is in charge of admissions and of shipping out miscreants". I'll have to remember to buy Bear an extra large bottle of fine bourbon for Christmas because now I REALLY want to stay on his good side.

Friday, December 16: The Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Long Island). Miami vs. Alabama-Birmingham

The Canes have really fallen on hard times, going from playing for national titles to taking on the Crimson Tide's JV squad. I hear that Alabama-Birmingham just hired mediocre quarterback Trent Dilfer as coach, which is about like Alabama-Tuscaloosa hiring mediocre quarterback Mike Shula as coach. But Bama would never do something that foolish.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama Birmingham

Friday, December 16: The Curio Bowel (Rome, Italy). UT San Antonio vs. Troy

This one has some famous offspring, Troy is coach by Jon Summerall, who apparently is my good friend Pat Summerall's son. I'd go ask Pat but he's usually passed out in his recliner. San Antonio's quarterback Frank Harris is best known for his daddy's immaculate reception and his mother's immaculate conception.

Beeno's Pick: UT San Antonio

Saturday, December 17: The Bucky Dent Fenway Bowel (Boston, Massachusetts). Cincinati vs. the St. Louisville Cardinals

There are a lot of angles to this one. These two teams used to play for a keg, which sounds great, except they fill the keg with nails instead of beer, which sounds like a nasty fraternity prank.

It's appropriate that the Cardinals play a game in Fenway Park. Meanwhile Cincinnati hired away the St Louisville manager, Scott Satterfield. This could lead to some hard feelings, especially because, due to the compact nature of the stadium, the teams will be sharing the same dugout. Look for the more experienced baseball team take advantage of the Green Monster to triumph in this one.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville Cardinals

Saturday, December 17: The Salivation Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). North Carolina Central vs. Jackson State

I'm glad that an all-time great like Deion Sanders is getting a shot at the bigtime, though Colorado hasn't been doing much since back when Bill McCartney's daughter Jenny was roaming the sidelines and the locker rooms and the player dorm.

It's great that Deion will stick around to coach one last game for Jackson State before leaving for Boulder. I just hope he's able to share the event with his legendary brother Barry Sanders.

Beeno's Pick: Jackson State

Saturday, December 17: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Southern Methodist vs. Bring 'Em Young

There's a old joke that goes "an atheist is a person who doesn't care who wins the TCU vs. Notre Dame game". And an agnostic is a person who doesn't know whether someone won the TCU vs. Notre Dame game. And a true football fan is someone who would watch SMU play BEY even if both teams were awful. Which they kind of are. So enjoy!

Beeno's Pick: Bring 'Em Young

Saturday, December 17: Admiral Kimmel's La Bowel (Butte, Montana). Washington State vs. Fresno State

It's great to see a fine coach like Ted Ford get back in the game and lead Fresno State back to bowel action. I also have to credit Admiral Kimmel's family for creating a fun bowel game, complete with a drunken puking camel mascot. Most bowel sponsors would go with the drunk puker but wouldn't put a camel costume on Sark.

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Saturday, December 17: The Stanford Tree Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Rhode Island Continuing Education vs. Ole Southern Miss

R.I.C.E., in spite of a losing record, got into a bowel with a waiver. Which beats getting into a bowel with a baseball bat. Ole Southern Miss has a great offspring player of their own, Frank Gore Junior. I hope his namesake, former Vice President Francis Albert Gore, can make it down to Mobile before the sea rises too much.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Saturday, December 17: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Florida vs. Oregon State

Here's where the opt-outs start - Florida has lost their quarterback Anthony Richardson to NFL draft prep. They lost their backup, former NFL star Jon Kitna, due to something even worse than the NFL. Other quarterbacks are out with injuries, so my guess is they'll try to sneak a helmet onto Tim Tebow.

Oregon State has had a great turnaround under former Michigan State coach Jonathan L Smith. They look to have a fuller roster too, so I'm going with the Ducks.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Saturday, December 17: The Frisco Non-Classic Bowel (Frisco, Texas). Boys' State vs. North Texas

Boys' State has had some great teams over the years and some coaches who do great in Idaho but then flail elsewhere. This year they're led by running back George Holani. North Texas seemed to be playing well but they then fired their coach. Meanwhile their quarterback, Austin Aune, is old enough to be the father of most of the North Texas recruiting class. I find this one pretty tough to pick, but I'm going with the more experienced program.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Monday, December 19: The Myrtle Beach Boxcar Bowel (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina). Marshall vs. Yukon

These are two teams that have had interesting turnaround seasons. Marshall went into South Bend and upset the Fighting Irish, while the Yukon Huskies started out looking like one of the worst teams in North America. But Coach Mora used his NFL expertise to help turn around the guys up in Whitehorse. Yukon then started winning games and achieved true boxcar status by getting their 6th win against Liberty.

As for the game, I think Yukon won't be quite ready, even with their 12th player and all those rouges, for the Thundering Nerds.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Tuesday, December 20: The Famous Anus Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Eastern Michigan vs. Stan Jose State

Here are two schools that have really struggled over the years to win games and even to garner attention. Stan Jose State is overshadowed to the north by all the area pro teams as well as Stanford and Cal. Eastern Michigan is overshadowed to the west by a giant water tower that reminds me of my good friend Johnny Wadd. The fighting EMUs have had a really good season but I don't think they'll have quite enough in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Stan Jose State

Tuesday, December 20: The Miami Chamber of Commerce Boca Raton Bowel (Boca Raton, Florida). Liberty vs. Toledo

Liberty seems to change leadership quite often, with names like Sam Rutigliano, Turner Gill, and now Hugh Freeze heading off for other opportunities. So I guess they really aren't the Cradle of Crotches, though perhaps the school's former president differs. I'm not surprised Coach Freeze left for Auburn, I'd think it would be a challenge to find hookers in Lynchburg.

Toledo had an up and down season but ended up winning the MAC title over Ohio, so the Mud Rockets should have the edge here.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Wednesday, December 21: The New Orleans Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Western Kentucky vs. South Alabama

I would like to thank the US Congress for increasing the number of college football teams by creating expansion states, like Western Kentucky and South Alabama. It's one of the few things those folks in DC do that I approve of. Of course, for some reason, South Alabama calls themselves America's team. They'll have to upgrade their cheerleaders before they can get that label. One Song Girl tops a dozen USA cheerleaders, easily.

Western Kentucky lost their star quarterback, Dweezil Zappa's son Bailey, to the NFL. But they just reloaded with a new star in Austin Reed. Then Austin promptly entered the transfer portal.

So much of this new fangled college football is confusing. I'm still not sure how this portal works, do the players disappear into a wormhole then emerge at some other school in another dimension?

Beeno's Pick: South Alabama

Thursday, December 22: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Baylor vs. Air Force

These are two teams that like to run the ball. And run it some more. The over/under on this game is 2 hours and 30 minutes. I know seeing all the clouds of dust will excite Coach Hayes.

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Friday, December 23: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Louisana vs. Houston

Coach Holgersen has put together a fine program at Houston after his tenure at Western Virginia. At first I thought this was a well located game as the Cougars aren't far from Louisiana either, but Shreveport is way up in the NW corner of Louisiana. Given current bowel game attendance they could have just found some high school field halfway between along I-10 in Lake Charles or Beaumont and really cut down on the travel time.

Beeno's Pick: Houston

Friday, December 23: The Gasparilla Pirate Booty Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Wake Forest vs. Missouri

Wake Forest started out really well but then started to struggle when they played the big boy teams. Fortunately for the Demonic Deacons, Missouri is not a big boy team. However, they did have some impressive losses to Georgia and Florida. I see a tight battle settled by a late safety.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Saturday, December 24: The Netflix Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Middle Tennessee State vs. SDSU

On Christmas Eve there's nothing better than sitting at home, sipping egg nog, and watching mid-major teams battle it out in front of 3,500 fans in beautiful Oahu. Middle Tennessee made their name this year by pounding weakling Florida teams like the Florida International exchange students, Florida Atlantic (but not Florida Pacific), and the Miami Hurricanes.

SDSU had a much more successful season, starting out with a narrow loss to Iowa where the Huckeyes scored 2 safeties to win 7-3, then going on a winning streak while cutting through a bunch of various Dakota and other midwestern schools.

Beeno's Pick: South Dakota State

Monday, December 26: The Quickie Lane Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). New Mexico State vs. Boweling Green

This may be quite a fine battle. BGSU has been down for a few years but finally showed some competence this year. New Mexico State is one of the better foreign teams this year, arguably ahead of Yukon and La Tech. They have rarely gone boweling but now, ironically, get to face Boweling Green in that oasis of Detroit.

Beeno's Pick: Boweling Green

Tuesday, December 27: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Georgia Southern vs. Buffalo

Clay Helton ended up at Georgia Southern after his USC tenure went down like a Song Girl on a bender. This is an interesting matchup due to quarterback Kyle Vantrease, who was sent down by Buffalo to Georgia Southern and is now getting a chance to prove himself against his own team. The Bills should be careful what they wish for.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Southern

Tuesday, December 27: The First Responders' Bowels (University Park State College Station, Texas). Memphis vs. U.T.A.H. State

Memphis has emerged as a pretty good mid major program - capable of scaring good big time teams and also beating up smaller time schools. Quarterback Seth Henigan is a truly exciting player. U.T.A.H. State is one of the better JV teams in Texas and a fine feeder school for the University of Texas at Houston. I think home state advantage at Gerald R Ford Stadium won't be enough.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Tuesday, December 27: The Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, Alabama). Coastal Carolina vs. East Carolina

While I've noted the number of expansion states, I would like to point out that it appears some expansion states may reunify. I'm guessing it's to cut the number of stars on the US flag back below 100. So we may see Coastal and East Carolina back together.

Coastal's coach took off to head up the Liberty program, so I'm guessing he got caught with a prostitute or something as that seems to be the chief criteria for that school. East Carolina is back in a bowel for the first time in ages and I think they'll be more excited about this game and will win.

Beeno's Pick: East Carolina

Tuesday, December 27: The Guaranteed Hate Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Wisconsin vs. Oklahoma State

Boy, right now things in Madison are about as messy as that microwave was after Coach Alvarez's son put a parrot inside and cooked it. Wisconsin fired Christ (which didn't go over well up here) then promoted Jim Leonhard as interim, then decided to make him the permanent coach, then decided to hire the waterboy from the Bengals, then kept Coach Leonhard on as DC, then Coach Leonhard decided to leave.

Meanwhile Wisconsin quarterback Graham Mertz decided to enter the portal, maybe to visit his grandparents Fred and Ethel.

On the other side of the field, Coach Gundy is now a lot older than 40 and just lost his quarterback Spencer Sanders to the portal too. Spencer's Cowboy alum daddy Barry must be upset by that decision.

So we are going to see backup quarterbacks, backup coaches, in a backup bowel game. Isn't December great?

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Wednesday, December 28: The Kim Jong Un Military Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Central Florida vs. Duke

Gus Malzahn has landed at Central Florida after tenures throughout the south. He's now going up against Duke, which is ironic given that his annoying tall white quarterback John Rhys Plumlee is apparently completely unrelated to Duke's annoying tall white basketball players, the Plumlee brothers.

The Blue Devils have had a surprisingly fine year, with only 4 narrow defeats. Of course those were defeats in the ACC, so might best be regarded as mid-major defeats.

Beeno's Pick: Central Florida

Wednesday, December 28: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Kansas vs. R Kansas

This is the first time KU has gone boweling since 2008, so you can bet people in Lawrence are as excited as there are for October Midnight Madness basketball. Jalon Daniels has had an outstanding year for the Jayhawks while archrival R Kansas has really been lead by stud RB KJ Jefferson.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas

Wednesday, December 28: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Oregon vs. North Carolina

This will be a top matchup of quarterbacks with great lineages, with Bo Jackson's son finding new life at Oregon and Carolina being led by wrapper offpring Drake Maye. This is often one of the best bowel games of the year, with a beautiful setting and lots of scoring. In this case, scoring by the Beavers. As opposed to scoring in the beavers.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Wednesday, December 28: The Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Texas Tech vs. Ole Southern Piss

Coach Kiffin sure doesn't seem to stay in one place too long, but apparently nobody wanted him this time, so he's stuck for a while longer in Oxford. Texas Tech goes through coaches pretty fast too so maybe Lane can end up in Lubbock soon. He can get ready for life in West Texas by putting on the honorary cowboy hat after winning this game.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Piss

Thursday, December 29: The Aaron Judge's Pinstriped Bowel (New York, New York). Syracuse vs. Minnesota

Golden Buffalo running back Mo Ibrahim is one of the most overlooked players in the country, which probably means he'll either sit out this bowel game or enter the portal. The coaching matchup is good too, with the boat rowing guy going up against Dino Babers in a matchup of guys looking for bigger gigs. While Syracuse has struggled late in the season, I give an edge to homefield advantage and forecast a win here for the Orange Testicles.

Beeno's Pick: Syracuse

Thursday, December 29: The Cheez-It Very Orange Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Oklahoma vs. Florida State

These are two one-time powerhouses who had some good success in the last decade but now look to be rebuilding. Which makes for a very compelling bowel game, starting with the pregame as hopefully we'll see the guy on the horse run over the chuck wagon.

I've always been disappointed that there aren't more mascot brawls. Could you imagine what it would be like if, before a Notre Dame vs USC game, the leprechaun made like Alex Karras and decked Mr. Ed? Or if there was a dogfight between the Washington Husky and the Texas A&M pooch Revile? Michael Vick would probably pay big bucks to arrange that.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Thursday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Texas). Texas vs. Washington

Texas has some stud players, though it's not clear whether BJ Robinson will compete. BJ against Penix would be a good matchup.

The coaching angle is good too as Sark used to coach the Huskies before going on a bender and taking the USC job. Which led to more benders, he's got more benders than that Gordon Beckham guy with the White Sox.

As for the game, I think Texas will still have enough talent on the field to win a high scoring close game.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Friday, December 30: The Coach K's Jizz Bowel (Charlotte, Carolina). Maryland vs. North Carolina State

I guess it's nice to line up a bowel game that also serves as an ACC conference game.

This bowel game has one of the most unique sponsors and odd traditions. Usually it's the winner who gets a prize, like the guy who wins the Indy 500 drinking some milk or a rivalry game winner taking home a trophy. In this game the losing coach gets covered in the sponsor's product. In preparation Coach Krzyzewski must be going through a lot of hand lotion.

I think Tuba Tuiasosopo's brother Tuba Junior will carry the day for the Twerps.

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Friday, December 30: Tony the Tiger's Bowels (El Paso, Texas). Pitt vs. UCLA

Coach C Kelly has pulled together some great talent, in particular QB DTF, who sounds like a guy who would play for C Kelly's more famous brother, wrapper B Kelly as long as he likes teens.

My Panthers, like so many teams, have had an up and down season, but I think they will pull this one out thanks to a late sack by Coach Nad Dogg's defense.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Friday, December 30: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Notre Dame vs. South Carolina

Here's another game where the portal will matter. For now South Carolina will keep quarterback Spencer Rattler, I feared he might get an NLI deal at Arizona for snakeskin endorsements.

Notre Dame's quarterback Drew Pine has entered the transporter portal which probably means he'll once again go back to acting and playing Captain James Q Kirk. But I still think the Irish will still have enough offense to take this one.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Friday, December 30: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Ohio vs. Wyoming

Ohio has been pretty consistent since Frank Solich took over years ago and they're continuing that success even after he retired. Wyoming has fallen off a bit since Josh Allen left for the NFL but they've been an underrated program as well. I'm just glad to see the return of MAC vs WAC games played in WAC country like the campus of the University of Arizona.

Beeno's Pick: Wyoming

Friday, December 30: The Beta Carotine Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Tennessee vs. Clemson

As many others have noted, this will be the orangest matchup since the John Boehner vs. Donald Trump boxing match.

Cade Klubnik has take over at quarterback for the Clemson Tigers and they seem to be playing better. Meanwhile Tennessee apparently has some support staff problems - my good friend Keith Jackson said the Vols wouldn't have a hooker on the field. Or in the locker room I guess. I still give the SEC team the edge.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Saturday, December 31: The Justin Bieber Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Iowa vs. Kentucky

Iowa had one of the worst offenses in the country with their first string quarterback so it will be interesting if, as rumored, they end up using their fifth string quarterback. Then again, could it really get much worse?

The Wildcats started out really strong then got pounded by somen really good teams before recovering at the end. I think they'll have just enough offense to gut out a 13-8 win.

Beeno's Pick: Kentucky

Saturday, December 31: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Alabama vs. Kansas City State

It's not clear how many Bama players will sit this one out, so it could be a short roster for the Tide. Kansas City State has played some really gutty games this year, none more impressive than their OT win over TCU last weekend.

I think KCSU will put up a great fight but Nick Satan's black magic will lead to a late Tide win.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Saturday, December 31: The Fiesta Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Michigan vs. TCU

TCU is a great cinderella story as the Horny Toads weren't even ranked coming into the season, but they had a gutty offense behind quarterback Max Duggan and made one comeback after another. Even their loss to Kansas City State featured a great final drive in regulation to tie the game. They have done the Southwest Conference proud.

Michigan had a very good year of their own as Jack Harbaugh seems to have finally settled in as coach as his team has had some very dominant second halves behind a strong offensive line. They had a fine win in Columbus and now advance to a desert semi-final.

I think the Wolverines will eventually run the ball well enough to score a late clinching touchdown to win, setting them up for another pounding by Georgia.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Saturday, December 31: The Katie Couric Peach Bowels (Atlanta, Georgia). Georgia vs. Ohio State

This is a star-studded semi-final. One team features the wonderfully named Stetson Bennett the IV playing for a school whose mascot is UGA the XIII. The other school features their own great quarterback in CJ Stroud the I and a great receiver in Marvin Harrison the VII.

The coaches are also well regarded and learned from the best. Kirby Smart cut his teeth with Nick Satan while Ryan Day got his big break under R Ban Meyer.

The game will feature a great Ohio State offense against a Georgia defense that is almost as good as the one they had last year. Unfortunately for the Huckeyes, Georgia is known for running the ball and Ohio State's front 7 seems about as allergic to good rushing attacks as I am to tofu.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Monday, January 2: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Mississippi State vs. Illinois

This game is now overshadowed by the sad passing of Coach. I'm just glad that, in tribute to the Pirate, the game is being played in a stadium with a pirate ship.

As for the game, I think Chase Brown is one of the most underrated players in the country and I expect the Illini to grind their way to a win.

Beeno's Pick: Illinois

Monday, January 2: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). LSU vs. Purdue

Purdue has had a very good season, pulling out the Big Ten West and playing Michigan fairly tough. LSU, behind coach B Kelly, started out slow, then had some nice wins including one over Alabama, then fell apart against Texas A&M before getting clobbered by Georgia.

So this game is kind of like the old NFL Runner-up Bowel played in Miami, except it will be in Orlando and have fresh-faced cheerleaders. That's why you gotta love the college game.

I think the biggest edge will be the coaching situation with Coach Brohm heading back to St. Louisville while Coach B Kelly will stay in Baton Rouge until he gets better at speaking Caging.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Monday, January 2: The Tampax Cotton Bowel Classic (Arlington, Texas). Southern Cal vs. Tulane

What a great turnaround for Tulane - you may not know this, but the Green Wave once was in the SEC and had a bigtime program. Now they are back in a major bowel game for the first time in decades. And a lot of the credit has to go to running back Tyjae Spheres. I'm sure his Louisiana mama Britney Spears is very proud.

The Trojans looked to be slated for the BS playoffs until their offense stopped scoring on every possession, which was a problem given that their defense never stopped letting teams score. And now it looks like star quarterback Caleb Williams may be out, which will qualify him for the Theisman Award, given to the best player with a gruesome leg injury.

I think USC still has enough talent to win a shootout over Tulane.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Monday, January 2: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Cologuard (Pasadena, California). Penn State vs. The University of Texas at Houston

U.T.A.H. is back from Texas for another trip to the Rosey Bowel after their scintillating high scoring game in Pasadena against Ohio State a year ago. Their quarterback Cameron Rising is a truly exciting player.

Meanwhile Penn State had a great season, other than when they had to play Michigan and Ohio State. But they sure were dominant over Maryland, Indiana, and Rutgers. The Nittany Lions bring an oft-injured but always competitive quarterback Sean Clifford to the field and I think they'll have enough to take out U.T.A.H.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State