2026 Week 3
September 23, 2026
Well, we are finally almost done with the crappy non-conference portion of the college football season. That is, except for SEC cupcake week, can't forget about mid November when Bama and Georgia will host schools like Incarnate Conception and Immaculate Johnny Wadd.
First I want to give a shoutout to my Panthers, as they moved to 3-0 with a solid win over the Syracuse Orange Testicle. Pitt will continue its ACC rampage this Saturday against new conference member Bucknell.
The biggest upset took place in State College Station, as Kentucky jumped out to a large second half lead over the Aggies, then coasted to a 31-21 victory. Coach Jimbo may be able to help Coach Elko with advice on how to most profitably invest the upcoming buyout.
Speaking of which, there are rumors that Coach Jimbo may be heading back to Florida State after the Noles got blown out by Bama in the second half. Normally I'd say you can't go home again, but Coach DickRod is 3-0 in his second go-around with the Mountain Men after a 38-27 intra-state rivalry win for Western Virginia over UVA.
One of the more surprising results, due to the margin, was Northwestern's 41-7 pummeling of Colorado in the final game at their temporary lakefront stadium. Coach Prime Directive responded to the defeat by keeping all his coaches and firing some of his players.
I'd like to congratulate my daughter, Beth Cook, on her self-restraint. The guys from something called Virginia Lynchburg only scored three times on her last weekend. I'm guessing Coach Falwell made them wear chastity jockstraps.
Oregon and Ohio State responded to frustrating defeats by running up scores on lesser foes. Oregon put up 84 on Portland State. The guys from Ohio's capital mowed down Kent State like it was 1970 all over again.
Duke is off to a great start, they went out west and had little trouble with Stanford, winning 35-7 in the Nerd Bowel. Florida is also doing well as they broke open a tight game at the half and jumped well ahead before holding on vs Auburn at Bryant-Hare Stadium.
Bill Belichick and North Carolina went up 17-3 vs Dabo Sweeney's Clemson in the Hot Seat Bowel, but the Tigers came back to pull out a 28-20 win. I'm thinking Jordon may soon be asking for the phone number of Marv Levy.
The wildest finish, one that everyone is still trying to figure out, took place in Nashville. North Carolina State, up 3 points with 6 seconds left, decided to try to run out the clock and have their quarterback take an intentional safety, but fumbled the ball away to Vanderbilt, who recovered in the end zone for the shocking victory. That had to be the biggest win for a bunch of Commodes since my good friend Bronko Nagurski's colostomy.
In the weekend's biggest game Ole Southern Piss scored a TD on LSU to break a 24-all tie with 6 minutes left then went for 2 points and an 8-point lead and ended up winning 32-24. It seemed like a bizarre decision but then I remembered how confusing these overtime rules are, making teams go for 2 all the time. Now the NCAA is even making them do it in regulation.
It was great to see everyone so happy after the home team vanquished their former coach and his Bayou Bengals. It was quite a shift in mood from the pregame fury aimed by the students at Coach Monty Kiffin. In fact, I hadn't seen that many students in Oxford so angry at one person since 1962.
Well, as I said we're heading toward the conference schedule, with big games this weekend including Oregon at USC, A&M at LSU, and Texas Tech hosting the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. Talk to you soon!