Beeno hasn't seen . . .

1999: [MSU's T J Duckett] I haven't seen a load like that since the last time I mixed Kaopectate and Ex-Lax.

2002: [Penn State blows out Nebraska behind Larry, Tony, and Bryant Johnson] I haven't seen a licking like that involving a bunch of Johnsons since Phyllis George's audition for "The NFL Today".

[Florida scores 3 quick TDs vs Tennessee] I haven't seen anyone put 21 on the board so quickly since the last time my good friend Herb Street played me in one on one

2003: [Oklahoma has a big win over Texas] I haven't seen a beating like that since a few weeks ago when my good friend Lee Corso took me to Madame Ovary's House of Pain.

2004: [Urban Meyer coaching Utah and Florida] I haven't seen a football figure take on such a large task at once since my good friend Jill Arrington's evening out with Rod Jeremy.

2005: [Georgia pounds Tennessee] I haven't seen someone in orange get penetrated like that since that flick where Emanuelle becomes a cheerleader at Syracuse.

[South Carolina blows out Tennessee] I haven't seen a better performance by a bunch of Cocks since Emanuelle Part VI.

2006: [6-6 teams in the Independence Bowl] I haven't seen this many boxcars since my previous career working as a greeter at the Kansas City stockyards.

2007: [WVU loses to Pitt] I haven't seen a Mountaineer choke like that since Cinemax ran that hitchhiker movie marathon.

2009: [Oregon player punches a Boise State player] I haven't seen an Oregon Beaver deliver a blow like that since Ginger Rogers.

[Michigan player punches an ND player] I haven't seen an Irishman take a blow like that since Mickey Rooney's private audition with David O Selznick.

[Notre Dame personal foul against the Washington center] I haven't seen an Irishman rough the snapper like that since Fatty McArbuckle.

[Brandon Spikes pokes a Georgia player in the face] I haven't seen an eye-gouging like that since the very brief wrassling career of my good friend Dick Vitale.

[Florida 62, Florida International 3] I haven't seen a foreigner get drilled like that since Emanuelle IV.

[Alabama over Florida] I haven't seen a (Nick) Satanic beatdown of a Christ figure like that since Golgotha.

[Ndamikong Suh] I haven't seen a Viet who could slice through the line like that since General Giap.

2010: [Nebraska's win over UW] I haven't seen a Husky get pounded like that since the Michael Vick Home Movie Festival.

[LSU's fake field goal vs Florida] I haven't seen a snapper that wild and off to the right since Madame Chiang Kai-Shek.

[Oregon blows out UCLA] I haven't seen a reaming like that since the film debut of Christy Canyon.

[Wisconsin 83, IU 20] I haven't seen a shellacking like that since Paul Lynde's "Leather Party Tape 1978".

[Alabama annihilates Georgia] I haven't seen Bulldogs get pounded like that since Va Tech's 2001 football player talent show.

2011: [Miami shuts down Ohio State] I haven't watched an Ohioan fail so miserably at scoring since Warren G Harding visited my uncle's Cleveland bordello.

[big Houston win] I haven't seen a Cougar score that much since Kathie Lee Gifford's visit to ESPN studios.

2012: [Oklahoma State beats a 1-AA school 84-0] I haven't seen Savannah get beat like that since Emanuelle IX.

[WVU wins 48-45 in Austin] I haven't seen a furry Mountain Man pull one out like that since Rod Jeremy's last movie.

[South Carolina's Marcus Lattimore suffers a gruesome leg injury] I haven't seen a bad break like that since the Big Bopper got the last seat on Buddy Holly's plane.

[Texas A&M beats Bama behind Johnny Manziel] I haven't seen a freshman score like that since the Kappa Iota Thigh fraternity was paid a visit by my daughter.

[Baylor bombs Kansas City State] I haven't seen group of 100 go down in flames like that in Waco since the Branch Davidians.

[Stanford stuffs Oregon's offense] I haven't seen a group of Beavers so lifeless since that Golden Girls porno.

[Wisconsin and Coach Bielema bomb Nebraska in the Big 10 Title Game] I haven't seen a jowly guy with bad hair mow down Nebraskans like that since Charlie Starkweather.

2013: [BYU runs all over Texas] I haven't seen a bunch of Morons run like that since the 2011 Special Olympics.

[Florida State blows out the Maryland Terrapins] I haven't seen turtles get pounded like that since Flo and Eddie's visit to Madame Ovary's Star Chamber.

[Baylor bombs the WVU Mountaineers] I haven't seen a bear do that much damage to a mountain man since Ed Asner starred in "Deliverance II, Bobby's Revenge".

[LSU nearly shuts out Florida] I haven't seen a Gator get stuffed like that since Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

[Georgia Tech beats Syracuse 56-0] I haven't seen an orange man get flogged like that since John Boehner's government shutdown negotiations.

[Michigan State repeatedly sacks Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner] I haven't seen a sports figure take a pounding like that since Marv Albert.

[Baylor blows out Oklahoma] I haven't seen a religious guy score that much in Waco since David Koresh.

[Oklahoma State shuts down Baylor] I haven't seen a bunch of Baptists struggle to score like that since, well, last night.

[Ohio State outscores Michigan 42-41] I haven't seen an on-campus shootout like that since Charles Whitman.

[Run-minded Stanford and MSU meet up in the Rose Bowl] I haven't seen two teams that will run it into the line this much since the Third Battle of Ypres.

2014: [BYU again blows out Texas] I haven't seen a bunch of Morons flog a Texan like that since Rick Perry's visit to the Salt Lake City Domination Dungeon.

[Arizona stuns Cal in Berkeley] I haven't seen a bunch of Bay Area hippies go down so quickly since the Hells' Angels post-party at Altamont.

[Auburn Tigers destroy the Bayou Bengals] I haven't seen one Tiger pound another Tiger like that since Avisail Garcia and Mrs. Prince Fielder.

[Michigan beats Penn State in an ugly game] I haven't seen a cripple fight that pathetic since Helen Keller vs. FDR.

[WVU blows out Baylor] I haven't seen a Mountain Man do that much damage to a bunch of bears since Grizzly Adams' Bestiality Festival.

[Alabama beats Texas A&M 59-0] I haven't seen a Texan get blown away like that since Lee Harvey Oswald.

[TCU beats Texas Tech 82-27] I haven't seen a bunch of Raiders get beat like that since Al Davis took his boys across the bay to Madame Ovary's House of Whore-rers.

[Ole Miss's Laquon Treadwell breaks his leg vs Auburn] I haven't seen an appendage bend and snap like that since Marlon Brandon's sex scenes in "Last Tango in Paris".

[Arizona State scores 55 at home vs Notre Dame] I haven't seen an Irishman wander the desert aimlessly like that since Lawrence of Arabia.

[Wisconsin scores 56 straight on Nebraska] I haven't seen a cornholin' like that since Coach Corso's wedding night.

[Pitt beats Miami to leave both teams at .500 in their 12-game schedule] I haven't seen that many sixes since Nick Satan's last Black Mass.

[NIU wins the MAC title game by blowing out BGSU in the Motor City] I haven't seen a beating like that in Detroit since back in the 40's when my cousin Jimmy tried to grab Joe Louis' hat.

2015: [The MSU "Fighting Chippewas" beat Oregon] I haven't seen a bunch of Beavers get skinned by Injuns like that since my childhood visit to Sitting Bull's encampment.

[The University of Texas at Houston blows out Oregon] I haven't seen a bunch of Texans pound beavers like that since Howard Hughes' annual excursion to Pahrump Nevada.

[TCU runs up and down the field on Texas, winning 50-7] I haven't seen a Texas Aggie with so many skid marks since the time Earl Campbell ate a gallon of baked beans.

[Washington State and Mike Leach beat Oregon in overtime] I haven't seen a pirate stun a beaver like that since Blackbeard visited a New Orleans whorehouse.

[Oklahoma beats Kansas City State 55-0] I haven't seen an Oklahoman score like that since the KCSU I Felta Thigh house was visited by Brad Pitt.

[Georgia Tech runs back a blocked kick to beat FSU, leading to an end zone celebration] I haven't seen a bulldog get piled on like that since Michael Vick's last fraternity reunion.

2016: [Alabama blows out USC] I haven't seen a bunch of Trojans get burst like that since my good friend Fatty Arbuckle's "Teeny Bopper Fest 1923".

[Arkansas beats TCU as a lineman shoves the QB into the end zone] I haven't seen a Hog score by pushing around a skinny guy like that since Oprah's date with Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Cal's offense has little trouble with Texas] I haven't seen an Aggie get pounded like that since Lyle Lovett forgot the safe word he'd given Julie Roberts.

2017: [Texas A&M blows 44-10 lead vs UCLA] I haven't seen an Aggie choke like that since Rick Perry's last presidential debate.

[Georgia fans pack Notre Dame Stadium] I haven't seen a sea of red like that since my last bout with hemorrhoids.

[La Tech's bad snap gets accidentally kicked and goes backward over 80 yards] I haven't seen some Frenchmen run backwards that quickly since the Panzers were chasing them.

[Frank Leahy era video shows nude ND player in background] I haven't seen a hairy naked pole like that since Roman Polanski's sex tape.

[South Carolina overcomes a 13-0 4th quarter deficit to beat La Tech] I haven't seen a Frenchie blow something that badly since "Last Tango in Paris".

[Alabama beats Ole Miss 66-3] I haven't seen a bunch of Rebels get routed like that since the days of William Tecumseh Sherman.

[Four top ten teams get upset in one weekend] I haven't seen so much blood in the water since the 1938 Daytona Beach E Coli Festival.

[Notre Dame destroys USC 49-14] I haven't seen an Irishman rip a Trojan like that since John O'Holmes' film debut.

[NC State unveils helmet with hideous cartoon wolf] I haven't seen such an ugly helmet since the last time I watched Maryland play.

[LSU Coach Orgeron meets interim UT coach Hoke at midfield after the game] I haven't seen two burly dark-haired guys like that since the cloning episode of "The Flintstones".

[Penn State blasts Maryland 66-3] I haven't seen a group of terrapins get squashed like that since my cousin Jimmy's drunken drive to the turtle hatchery.

[Oregon makes yet another coaching change] I haven't seen so many Beavers swapped out since the debut of "Rod Jeremy's Pokefest 2002".

2018: [North Texas punt returner pretends to make a fair catch then runs down the sideline untouched vs Arkansas] I haven't seen a guy run wild through a bunch of stunned Hogs like that since Jeffrey Dahmer's visit to the slaughterhouse.

[Penn State wastes time and time outs and nearly kneels out 1-point loss vs. OSU] I haven't seen a Penn State coach take a knee in front of a bunch of burly football players since Coach Sandusky.

[Georgia Tech runs up the score on Louisville, 66-31] I haven't seen a bunch of engineers score like that since, well, never.

[LSU beats #2 Georgia by 20 points] I haven't seen a bunch of bulldogs get pounded like that since the 1999 Blacksburg Dog Show.

[Clemson blasts Florida State 59-10] I haven't seen a semenhole get blown out like that since the days of Fatty Arbuckle.

[Alabama shuts out LSU 29-0] I haven't seen a smothering like that since I accidentally sat on my good friend Lee Corso's pet ferret.

[Nebraska kicker gets turned around like a corkscrew and boots kickoff backwards] I haven't seen a kicker so twisted since Rafael Septien.

[Texas A&M beats LSU in 7 overtimes, 74-72] I haven't seen that much scoring by a bunch of crew cut cadets since the filming of "Deliverance 2: Bobby Visits VMI".

2019: [Notre Dame and Louisville repeatedly fumble to each other] I haven't seen anyone be so careless with balls since Emanuelle Part XIX

[New Mexico outscores New Mexico State 55-52] I haven't seen so much action south of the border since my final trip to the Juarez donkey show.

[UCLA scores 50 points in final 22 minutes to win at Wazzu 67-63] I haven't seen so much scoring involving Pullman since Babe Ruth's Hooker Express whistlestop tour.

[Ohio State destroys Nebraska in Lincoln] I haven't seen Coach Frost take such a shellacking in Lincoln since the last time Lawrence Phillips visited his apartment.

[South Carolina beats Georgia on a 53-yard pick six] I haven't seen a Cock score in under 10 seconds since my junior prom.

[Arkansas punter throws horrible pass on a fake punt] I haven't seen such a lousy failed pass since that time my good friend Herb Street tried to pick up Erin Andrews postgame.

[LSU wins a 46-41 shootout at Alabama] I haven't seen so much scoring in Tuscaloosa since Judge Moore's visit to the Northridge High School prom.

[LSU gets an OSU QB transfer, OSU gets a Georgia QB transfer, Georgia has Bama's former DC, and Bama has LSU's former coach] I haven't seen so much incestuous behavior since the Royal Family's most recent cousins reunion.

2020: [Alabama dominates Georgia 41-24] I haven't seen a bunch of Bulldogs get drowned in a Crimson Tide like that since Michael Vick's days in Blacksburg.

[Penn State unwisely gets into the end zone to go up 8 and loses to IU in overtime] I haven't seen such a dumb decision to score since my friend Billy's prom night with "Syphilitic Sally".

[Clemson loses to Notre Dame after the QB gets downed by two blitzes] I haven't seen two bigger sacks since the 1978 Rod Jeremy/Johnny Wadd film festival.

[Oregon State grabs a blocked punt and staggers into the end zone] I haven't seen an Oregon State Duck waddle like that since the aftermath of Coach Corso's Corvallis mascot furry party.

[Nebraska's defense gets dominated by Illinois] I haven't seen a bunch of Blackshirts get routed like that since Mussolini's Army on Patton's drive to Messina.

[Purdue loses to Minnesota after a bad offensive PI call] I haven't seen an engineer get reamed like that since Quadratic Equation Night at Madame Ovary's House of Pain.

[Louisiana has numerous problems with special teams snaps] I haven't seen a snapper that high since that film classic "Cheech and Chong Smoke the Rose Bowel".

[Najee Harris leads Alabama over Florida in the SEC title game] I haven't seen a minion of Satan cut through levels of defense like that since "Paradise Lost".

2021: [Georgia beats the Razorbacks 37-0] I haven't seen a Hog get shut down like that since Bret Bielema's date with Erin Andrews.

[Fans rush the field as Iowa comes from behind to beat Penn State] I haven't seen a bunch of farmers so excited since Jane Russell posed in a haystack while drinking from a couple of Howard Hughes' mason jars.

[Ole Miss and Arkansas trade multiple late touchdowns] I haven't seen so much back and forth scoring since Joe Namath's date with the Barbi twins.

[Oklahoma running back Kennedy Brooks races 33 yards in the closing seconds to win the Red River Shootout] I haven't seen anyone score in 8 seconds since my prom night.

[Wake Forest transfer Kenneth Walker III scores 5 TDs to lead MSU over Michigan] I haven't seen a Babtist run like that since Jerry Falwell was being chased out of Greenwich Village by RuPaul.

[BYU beats Virginia 66-49] I haven't seen a bunch of Morons score like that since the final season of Jersey Shore.

[Purdue beats MSU thanks to a multiple lateral trick play] I haven't seen a three-way score like that since Emanuelle Part VIII.

[Texas Tech beats Iowa State on a line drive 62 yard field goal] I haven't seen something involving Lubbock fly so low to the ground since Clear Lake, Iowa in 1959.

2022: [IU transfer Michael Penix passes Washington to a win over Michigan State] I haven't seen a Penix penetrate a secondary like that since Fatty Arbuckle's girls' football movie.

[USC gets a late TD to beat Oregon State] I haven't seen a Trojan score so fast on a Beaver like that since my prom night.

[Illinois defeats Iowa 9-6 after a failed Iowa multiple lateral final play] I haven't seen a large group of guys struggle to score like that since the last Bob Jones University mixer.

[Texas beats Oklahoma 49-0] I haven't seen a bunch of Okies get run over like that since April 22, 1889.

[Kansas City State beats Oklahoma State 48-0] I haven't seen an Oklahoman get shellacked like that since Mickey Mantle's trip to Madame Claire's Bronx House of Pain.

[Washington blows out their conference foe to the south] Never have I ever seen a bunch of Beavers get repeatedly penetrated by one Penix.

[Iowa beats Wisconsin with 24 points on 146 yards of offense] I haven't seen so little movement of a ball since Marlon Brando's sex scenes in "Last Tango in Paris".

[South Carolina plows highly rated Tennessee] I haven't seen a bunch of cocks penetrate a volunteer like that since that porn star did a day-long sex marathon.

2023: [Michael Penix leads Washington to over 700 yards against Michigan State] I haven't seen a Penix penetrate Spartan Dawgs like that since that MSU guy was caught with the basset hounds

[Penn State completely shuts down Iowa and wins 31-0] I haven't seen an offense more punchless since my good friend Coach Corso's celebrity boxing match.

[Georgia tight end Brock Bowers goes through the Auburn defense for a game-winning TD] I haven't seen a load go 40 yards that fast since that time my frat brothers spiked my martini with Milk of Magnesia.

[Iowa and Michigan State square off for 1 offensive TD, 8 FG attempts, and 13 punts] I haven't seen so much pointless kicking of some pig skin since the time Roseanne Arnold fed Mr Ed some amphetamines.

[Texas takes the lead and a minute later Oklahoma wins the game on a TD with 15 seconds left] I hadn't seen so much scoring in such a short period of time since my junior prom.

[LSU wins a wild game at Missouri] I haven't seen such fine tiger on tiger action since those two Vegas bengals faced off after dispatching Siegfried and Roy.

[Coach Prime's CU team blows a 29-0 halftime lead to lose to a weak Stanford team] I haven't seen a guy in a hoodie choke like that since the Unabomber hitchhiker movie.

[Rutgers scores three TDs in a short time to beat MSU thanks to a snap that bounces off a punter's facemask and a bloop kickoff that bounced high] I haven't seen balls bouncing around so wildly since the Bret Bielema sex tape.

[Florida messes up a last second FG attempt by running the FG unit onto the field while the offense was still out there] I haven't seen so many blue tinged helmets in one place since the 2016 Zach Smith Ohio Cock Ring Festival.

2024: [Beeno watches a recording of Texas blowing out Michigan in Ann Arbor] I haven't seen video of a cornholin' like that since Coach Corso's fraternity initiation tape.

[Burly Michigan RB Kalel Mullings goes 65 yards to set up a game winner vs USC] I haven't seen a load go flying that many yards since the time Coach Bryant gave Coach Hayes a cake laced with Ex-Lax.

[Ohio State quarterback Will Howard lets clock expire at Oregon] I haven't seen a Howard make such a dumb decision since Will's grandpa Shemp left The Stooges to try a solo career. Which really disappointed Iggy Poo.

[Indiana dominates Nebraska's defense in a 56-7 win] I haven't seen a bunch of fresh-faced farm boys run over Blackshirts like that since the Patton's Seventh Army took Messina.

[Brigham Young's Darius Lassiter dodges numerous defenders to score a game winner vs. Oklahoma State] I haven't seen a bunch of Cowboys choke that badly since the last few NFL playoffs.

[Syracuse quarterback Kyle McCord throws three pick sixes in a loss to Pitt] I haven't seen so many wounded ducks resulting in scoring since that crossover Elmer Fudd/Huey, Dewey, and Louie adult film.

[Penn State puts a 300 pound offensive lineman in motion on three straight unsuccessful goal line plays against Ohio State] I haven't seen such futile attempts to score involving a fat guy since Coach Butthead Bulimia's date with Erin Andrews.

[Ole Miss shuts down Georgia's offense in a 28-10 win] I haven't seen Coach Kiffin put up such a strong defense since his divorce hearing.

[Clemson QB Cade Klubnik makes a winding 50 yard game winning TD run through the Pitt defense] I'm not saying that the Panthers took bad angles; I'm just saying I've seen better lateral moves at Parkinson's Jazzercise.

[Louisville loses to Stanford due to, during the closing seconds, turning the ball over on downs, committing an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, then jumping offsides] I haven't seen three such embarrassing failures within ten seconds since my prom night.

[South Carolina QB LaNorris Sellers makes a twisting 25 yard run to beat CLemson] I haven't seen a Cock twist left and right like that since the video of John Wayne Bobbitt's surgery.

[Huge Arizona State RB Cam Skattebo scores 3 TDs and gains over 200 yards against Iowa State] I haven't seen a Satanic Sun Devil Worshiper score on teenagers like that since Jimmy Page.