NYU Football
October 29, 2009
I tuned in that bike racing channel last Thursday and instead of that cancer-ridden freak they were showing football.
It turned out that they were showing college football from the new University Football League. They had games being played by some new colleges specially created just to play football. So you had San Francisco College playing at Florida Atlantic and Florida Pacific's sister school, Florida Okefenokee. And Nevada-Las Vegas was hosting NYU.
Now NYU was one of the legendary programs of my youth, but they shut things down around 1930. Back then football didn't involve scholarships or ringers, you just had regular students playing. The most athletic people at NYU were theatre majors and they actually comprised most of the team.
One of them, a guy named John, was a pretty good running back. Being a dancer he really knew how to stretch for the first downs. One day, in an unfortunate incident, he did the splits while being tackled. He landed on a sprinkler head, which ruptured him down there and out popped a small, less orange replica of the Syracuse mascot.
John, in great pain, told the sideline doctors that it was okay, how he was born with a 50% bonus in the gonad department so was now just like any other average male. He then passed out and spent three months in the hospital before recovering. His fellow actors, shocked at the severity of the injury, decided to play it safe and quit football. NYU's program went into a downward spiral from which it never recovered.
The story of John's medical condition inspired a latter-day filmmaker. That's why Steven Spielberg cast John's granddaughter Drew in the film "E.T. - The Extra Testicle". You see, the man named John who lost some of his potency went on to become famous two-balled actor John Barrymore.
And now you know the rest of the story.