International Football
September 12, 2000
Last Saturday was not the first time a college football team played a foreign team. In the mid-1970s, during the era of detente, there was a matchup between Maury "Father of Nick and Brother of Lou" Satan's Miami Hurricanes and a football team from the Soviet Union.
Before the game was played the two sides spent days negotiating over the site of the game and, oddly enough, the shape of the field. They finally agreed to play at a neutral site on an aircraft carrier in the Atlantic Ocean and to play on a field shaped like one of those rhombuses.
The Russian team turned out to be a bunch of their elite Spiitsknotts troops, with special training in the martial arts, boxing, and the fullback trap. So Miami knew they were going to have their hands full.
The game itself got rough in a hurry, as two Miami defensive linemen had their windpipes broken by the Russian players and could no longer breath. They were pretty game though, almost as game as Arnold "2 Heisman Trophies" Battle was for Notre Dame last week, these guys stayed in the game for a full quarter before collapsing due to lack of oxygen.
Miami's team had a lot more speed than the Russians, and thus were able to outrun their opponents any time the Russians decided to pull out their numbchucks. That was the pattern of the entire first quarter, Miami players running like hell and some Russian guy chasing after them, screaming at the top of his lungs, and waving his numbchucks.
One Miami player was finally cornered. He struck back by kicking the Russian square in the numbchucks. That Russian collapsed because he, like the rest of his team, refused to wear a jockstrap. Pretty quickly the Russians put their numbchucks away and started to play regular football.
Late in the fourth quarter the score was Miami 19, Russians 14, and the Russians were moving in for a possible winning touchdown. The sky started to cloud up and it looked like a major storm was moving in. But that wasn't the problem.
The aircraft carrier's crew was so excited by the game that they let the ship drift westward into the Devil's Triangle. A Russian player was headed for the end zone as time ran out, then suddenly Maury Satan's family ties came through and the entire ship disappeared into a time warp, thus preserving the Miami victory.
Nobody knows what happen to the ship after it got zapped into the past, though some mystifying clues have been found by archaeologists in Peru. There's a place there called the Nazca Plain, with large drawings that have been there for centuries, and one looks a lot like an X's and O's diagram of a wishbone triple option play.
We know from their ancient texts that the Incas knew nothing of the wishbone (they were an I-formation people), so it may well be that the two football teams were zapped back in time to Peru.
On our next edition of "In Search Of", we're going to figure out where the good part of the Jim Beam goes after it leaves my liver.