1997 Week 4
September 17, 1997
So I was flipping around the TV dial on Saturday, trying to find out who was televising the Pitt game. Also I was looking for the Pony. Has anyone seen the Pony lately? I miss the Pony.
Anyway, I changed channels and I thought I was seeing a "Beverly Hillbillies" re-run on CBS. That was always my favorite show. That Ellie Mae was one hot little mama. She looked like a Tennessee homecoming queen with all that cleavage and big hair and them missing teeth. I used to like to watch that show in my underwear, but then Mom would come down the steps and say "Beano, WHAT are you doing sitting on the couch like that" and I'd feel so ashamed so I'd put my clothes back on again.
Actually Mom has always known best and it was good she broke me of that bad habit--you never know when you'd be getting in on a really hot shot of Ellie then suddenly they'd shift and show that horse-faced nasal-voiced secretary for Mr. Drysdale and that was like an instant cold shower. Yowweee.
Rick Neuheisel needs some lessons on screaming. You don't look good while screaming when you got pretty hair that's all in place. That's why coaches like Bo Schlembecher and "Sergeant" Bob Neyland were so effective. Yes, Jimmy Johnson is a screamer and he has his hair all in place, but Jimmy's hair ain't pretty like Rick's is. Jimmy's looks like someone's spiking his bourbon with coconut oil.
Rick is also too skinny to be a good screamer. You need to gain some weight, Rick, then you look scary enough to scream. Look at basketball's Rick Majerus. His players respond to his screaming, they're afraid he's gonna sit on them. Gain some weight like Woody did and then your players will stop cowering after getting screamed at, instead they'll go up and hit somebody.
Yes, you can tell me that Lou Holtz is skinny and screams, but Lou doesn't look like a typical coach, he looks like . . . Oh yeah, now I remember what I was talking about, I was talking about seeing "The Beverly Hillbillies" on CBS last Saturday. Lou Holtz looks like Granny from the "Beverly Hillbillies", that's what I was going to talk about. I thought it was Granny up there and I was so glad to see her because I heard she had died years ago, then I turned up the volume and found out it was Lou. I didn't recognize him because he wasn't wearing that "ND" hat and he looked like he'd eaten some more and gotten up to 130 pounds.
Anyway, you ever notice how much he looks and sounds like Granny? I was getting all excited, waiting for Ellie Mae to come on the TV so I could take my pants off just like old times. But Lou just sat there and talked and talked and didn't let anyone else get a word in edgewise. It's kind of like the way Corso can be when he gets going on some rant about how many games Nebraska is going to win. Look, Lee, Nebraska's game last weekend should prove they've got problems. Florida walloped Central Florida 82-6 and Nebraska only beat them by 14, so you know Nebraska isn't playing too well right now.
I bet Lou is glad to get out of South Bend. I thought Bob Davie got off to a great start against Georgia Tech in front of that full Notre Dame Stadium and all, but look at what happened over the weekend. Bob went right back to that recent Irish mediocrity--he couldn't even fill up the stadium his team was playing in. Just like Lou in his last year, the Irish played before a bunch of empty seats. I don't know how much longer the ND administration can put up with all these empty seats. It looked like a Miami of Florida game out there with nobody watching.
I sure hope Bob can fill Notre Dame Stadium this weekend for that game against Lou Saban's Michigan State Chippewas team (isn't Lou Saban getting a little old to still be coaching? What's next, Eddie Robinson coming back to coaching at Grambling or something?).
Bill McCartney's daughter Jenny McCartney ain't no Ellie Mae (cuz she has teeth), but she's about the best looking thing on TV these days.