October 22, 1997

My update is a little late this week. Ma wasn't doing too well. I hate it when she goes to Taco Bell and buys a bunch of beef burritos and scarfs them all down with a couple forty-ouncers of Mickey's Malt Liquor. She always ends up having gas for several days after that and the fumigation bills are a real hassle.

You probably thought I had nothing to do with the invention of that very helpful gas prevention product Beano. Heck, I developed the stuff a few years ago after Ma snuck out and went to an all-you-can-eat night at Chi-chis. After that maladorous episode, I had to do something and created the food additive that bears my name. Necessity is the mother of invention, especially when one's mother has created the mother of all odors. As that Phil Harvey guy on the radio would say, "now you know the REST of the story."

Anyway, let's get away from that scratological stuff and back to my other favorite smelly pastime, football. It's been a fun two weeks, with three number one teams. Oh, sorry, didn't mean to say something scatological like "number one". Let's just say that Penn State's new ranking is well-deserved because they sure did play like number two against Minnesota last Saturday. I thought Bronko Nagurski himself was out there for the Gophers, the way they were playing. Heck, Bronko's only about a couple years older than JoePa anyway, he COULD be out there. Wonder what Bronko's up to these days anyway.

In new-fangled football we have the wild SEC. The Gators were stunned by LSU on a dark night then turned around and won at Auburn. Then LSU went out and got dominated by Ole Miss in an afternoon game.

I've been saying for years about LSU that they're just like Dracula, they do all their damage at night. During the day they're as docile as Ellie Mae in the stirrups. I bet all you have had that fantasy. I just found out Ellie Mae grew up right near the LSU campus. No wonder why she had them fangs.

During the Florida vs. LSU game I had to wonder how Coach Spurrier was able to get out on the field. The NCAA has a standard length for laying cable to a headset. Steve was wearing a regulation headset and had the appropriate cable length. However, LSU's stadium is set up in such a way that the press box is closer to the field than at most other stadiums. So Spurrier had plenty of slack in his cable just standing there on the sideline (at least that's what Danny Wuerffel says).

Most coaches know that they're not allowed to go out on the field to argue calls, but the cable length also helps, because if they run out onto the field the cable pulls taut and they fall just like they got clotheslined by Jaromir Jagr of the Pitt Pens.

Due to the closeness of the press box at LSU the coach can get in trouble because he can get almost halfway across the field before he nearly yanks his head off. They take care of this problem at LSU by painting numbers every five yards instead of the usual every ten yards. That, combined with the "5 10 15 20 25 30 STOP" song from "Schoolhouse Rock", has helped LSU students learn to count by fives. Yet they still screwed up my last Big Mac order.

Anyway, the 5 yard markers help the coach to know when he's gone too far onto the field. But Spurrier didn't pay attention to that and got way out on the field to argue with the officials and got called for several penalties.

Georgia fixed their problem by installing a hedge around the sidelines, which makes it difficult for quick player transitions, but no coach has ever been called for charging the field in Athens. Of course the Georgia/Florida game is always in Jacksonville so Spurrier will never get to show off his high-jumping skills.

At the Pitt vs. Notre Dame game it was nice to see Bob Davie win one in his home town, in front of a full house. Unlike Lou, Bob has got a streak of sellouts going and seems to have turned things around for the Irish.

But I still can't get used to calling it "Pitt". I noticed they haven't repainted the buildings around campus to say "Pittsburgh". That's because State schools like Pitt and Syracuse don't spend all their money repainting old buildings on campus, they'd rather just let the buildings become part of the natural decaying urban landscape.

This week's big game is in the battle for state supremacy in Michigan. It's a truly bitter rivalry, the two schools hate each other, they like to call each other names, their graduates always end up working in close proximity at the local K-Mart. The losing school always starts a riot on campus to protest the result, burning couches, students, and occasional hockey players in a great sacrifice to their dark lord, Jimmy Johnson.

So I think I might just ditch Ma this weekend and leave her to her own stench, and sneak up to the Great Lakes state for this heated battle. Personally I can't wait, it's always the war for bragging rights in Michigan for another year, one of the biggest games of the year. I'm gonna put on my riot gear and head over to that big Central Michigan vs. Western Michigan contest. I can't wait.

See next Beeno post