October 28, 1997

You have to love this time of year, because football is now at center stage. Baseball finally came to an end sometime on Monday (I fell asleep around 11:30 pm and I think they played until 5 or 6 in the morning, at least I could have sworn I heard Bob Costas and his sidekick Harry Storm--Harry would sure look better if he got a haircut and grew a better mustache, the mustache he has now just isn't thick enough to impress people).

I still don't understand the appeal of that sport these days. Baseball players make too much money. Look at all these college QB prospects who decide to go play baseball instead of being good Americans and playing college football. It used to be they would go to college and make more money there. College football can't afford to match the salaries paid by these pro baseball teams.

The part of the game I saw was kind of interesting. That kid from Notre Dame did fairly well, I'm sure Lou was proudly watching, though it had to be embarrassing to Lou--this ND baseball player was playing in front of a full house, unlike Lou's ND teams last year. I bet this kid wins 3 National League MVP awards and maybe a Heisman Trophy to boot. Hey, he's from ND, he's been on national TV a lot, once the ND publicity machine gets behind him, why not a Heisman?

In the college game we're getting to the tough part of the schedule, where we see which teams are contenders and which ones play guitar then drop dead of a drug overdose in a band with that skanky Chrissie Hynde girl (see, I can make pop culture references with the best of them).

Normally I'd just say "this is where we separate the men from the boys" but the last time I said that Coach Corso said "at Indiana we separated the men from the boys with crowbars" and started describing just what his players were doing to each other in the showers. I never knew that soap could be so slippery.

I enjoy football at all levels, even NFL games (though I still don't understand that two-feet-in-bounds rule, that's for wimps). But I have to admit that there's something about a good high school game that really gets my blood going (and I'm not just talking about the cheerleaders and their short skirts and white panties here). The air is crisp, the game flows really well, you get to hear high school bands do some of that new-fangled heavy metal stuff like "Iron Guy" by Ozzy and Harriet and Joan Osbourne.

Plus there aren't any of those horrible TV timeouts. And when a kid gets injured he doesn't get taken out by a helicopter; he has to be a man and walk it off, even if his leg is broken. None of that namby-pamby girly-man stuff you see in the NFL with those special stretchers and so on. Plus the high school players aren't as highly paid as pro or college players; some of them don't even make enough to buy a good steak dinner after the game, if you can believe that.

So last Friday I left Mom to fend for herself after hooking up an IV to some Seagram's (don't worry, she was fine and VERY happy by the time I got back). I went down the road to see a battle between the #3 and #6 teams in Pennsylvania.

Beaver High kicked off, and the receiver fumbled the ball and recovered it on the 14 yard line. That meant Intercourse High was playing deep in their own territory. But they took a firm grip on the ball and began to advance, as their fine kicking game allowed them to advance to better field position on each exchange of punts. Slowly, Intercourse penetrated Beaver again and again. The crowd gasped as Beaver found it difficult to resist.

Finally Intercourse scored and Beaver seemed to regain its composure. Beaver soon turned the tables, as the positions were reversed, and Beaver was soon in control and on top. Beaver went into the locker room at the half, leading 20-14. At halftime the Beaver band performed a salute to summertime, with a special tribute to water sports. Some of their formations were very interesting.

In the second half the battle became a quite exciting defensive struggle. Intercourse was coming at Beaver from behind, an unusual position for an undefeated team to be in. Beaver's defense held firm though, and Intercourse was stopped.

But with less than a minute left in the game a pass made by Intercourse scored. They lined up for the all-important extra point for the lead. But Beaver blocked the extra point! The ball was picked up by a Beaver player in the mistaken belief that Beaver could score on Intercourse. He was hit, fumbled, and Intercourse grabbed the ball and ran straight into Beaver. Finally Intercourse got into Beaver's end zone and everyone trembled from excitement. Not only had Intercourse scored on Beaver; they also won the game 22-20.

Beaver's coach doubles as their basketball coach. I read in the paper the next day that he's going to employ some of the man-to-man tactics he learned at Coach Knight's summer basketball camp and apply those tactics to football. Yes, next year, in order to prevent Intercourse from scoring, Beaver will use the I.U. "D".