September 3, 1998

Well, I'm glad to be back again to talk about my favorite topic in the world, that is, aside from plopping my favorite Richard Simmons video into the VCR and watching some of those hot women before they get struck down by anorexia and become about as scrawny as Chris Fowler. Can't stand 'em when they got no meat on their bones.

I'm still trying to decide which of the many fine games I'll be watching this weekend. There are so many great matchups, like Notre Dame vs. Michigan, Washington vs. Arizona State, JoePa vs. Something in Mississippi, and Brent Musberger vs. the English Language (take language and give the points).

But I think the best matchup may be taking place as a team from hillbilly country (and I don't mean Knoxville, the Vols are on the road this week, besides, that area ain't been the same since the Dollywood amusement park removed the cup ride) will be facing a really highly rated opponent. Yes, the highly rated West Virginia Mountaineers will be facing quite a cultural challenge as those wild men from Columbus bring their backwoods ways to cosmopolitan Morgantown.

Recently there's been quite a controversy surrounding Ohio State and the eligibility of their all-American linebacker Andy Katzenmoyer. Latest reports are that Andy has passed his classes in golf, AIDS awareness, and music (I hear that Andy's final project in the latter was about the 2 Live Motley Crue and their classic rap/metal crossover "Kickstart My Heart, You Ho'").

The Ohio State University has taken a fair amount of flak for the so-called "cake courses" that Andy had to pass. But easy coursework has been a staple of college football dating back to the era when the players didn't wear helmets and were even more academically challenged than they are today.

I remember the old days in eastern football where players maintained their eligibility by taking all sorts of simple classes. My personal favorite were the personal hygiene courses. You may remember Andy's AIDS course where he had to put a condom over a banana. Well, Syracuse used to have a course about VD back before the advent of modern miracles like penicillin. So instead of the condom/banana test they had students learn about state of the art gonorrhea treatment by blasting a fire hose through a small glass tube.

Auburn University used to have an easy music course. They'd have their players learn to play musical instruments, though when the instructor told them he was going to help them "blow their horn" most of them beat the snot out of him.

Southern Cal had something similar to Andy's golf class back in the 20's, where they learned how to play basketball. First thing they had to do was learn how to cut the bottom out of the peach basket so they didn't have to go get a ladder every time someone scored. Then the Trojans, led by lineman Marion Morrison (who changed his name and became famous later in life as Big Ten commissioner Wayne Duke), got a special bonus.

Turns out there were some future NBA groupies hanging around them at the basketball course. These women were about 20 years ahead of their time since the NBA didn't start until after WW II, but they were dead set on getting pregnant and getting child support money, just like modern era NBA groupies. Unfortunately for the women's plans, the USC guys had all flunked their sex ed courses. For some reason they believed that doing the nasty (I learned that from watching "Mod Squad" re-runs during the summer) involved going rather than coming and doing so in the other orifice down there. So the women never got pregnant, but one of them did get a great idea. She went on to invent the colonic.

Elsewhere, I noticed that some coaches were getting criticized by their fans last week. I think an old guy like Lou Saban at Michigan State should be cut some slack. He's a coaching legend. Other coaches like RC Slocum (sounds like something Clinton should have done) have also done quite well, so why is everyone questioning his program? He's brought the Aggies a long way and he didn't have to work half the team to death at two-a-days, unlike Bear.