1999 Week 7
October 21, 1999
The season marches onward. We've seen many of the contenders eliminated.
All I can say about last weekend is "wow, was that a b-slapping that Virginia Tech laid on Syracuse or what?" I knew that the Orange Testicles were doomed when Corso picked them, but 62-0? It just wasn't Syracuse's day. You could tell things were getting really bad when the Syracuse offensive linemen started curling up in a fetal position. And that was in the huddle! C'mon, Ben Schwarznegger never would have put up with his players quitting. Good thing that former Orange QB McNabb skipped town early to do color commentary for ESPN2 on their Big Ten games, he would have been flattened by the Cavs' pass rush had he stuck around for his final year.
We got to see a unique play last week, one perfected by former Notre Dame tight end Dave Casper during his years in the NFL. I'm speaking, of course, of the deliberate last-minute fumble for a touchdown that the Oakland Raiders once used to defeat the San Diego Chargers.
Obviously Bob Davie dusted off the old playbook and pulled that one out at a crucial point in the game. The Irish were trailing by 5 and Jarius Jackson was being pulled down short of the goal line, but he wisely pitched the ball forward and Raki Nelson fell on it for the game-winner.
USC tried the same play on the ensuing kickoff, but someone booted the ball and ND recovered it. I don't think it's wise to try the deliberate fumble from around your own 20-yard-line; it should only be reserved for the opponents' red zone. As a favor to USC, Notre Dame tried to demonstrate the play themselves with about a minute to go, but, like USC, they fumbled the ball too far forward and the Trojans grabbed it right back. After that they returned to playing regular football instead of this wussy playground game of "smear the queer" (sounds like a game that Ricky Neuheisel might get into).
One of my fans asked me to write about Marshall. Okay. They've got the second best team, behind VPI, in Virginia this year. They're clearly much better than Western Virginia or UVA. I expect them to contend for the MAC title and beat up on some weak sister from the SEC (maybe 'Bama) in the Cherry Bowl. Happy?
The other big news of the week was the performance of Purdue quarterback Dru Breeze in leading his team to victory over Michigan State. The name "Dru Breeze" sounded really familiar to me, took me a while, and I suddenly remembered there was someone with that name in one of my favorite films, "On Golden Blonde", which also starred Christy Canyon and Melissa Mounds. I didn't know these movie stars could play football too. Just seems that Ms. Breeze would be better suited for playing center and bending over the ball.
Many of you wrote to correct me about Michigan State's coach, saying that old Lou Saban had not returned to run the MSC Chippewa program. You noted that the coach at Michigan State is actually named Nick Satan. I apologize to Lou Saban and to the Satan family.
I am kind of surprised that Michigan State would hire a coach so devoted to the Prince of Darkness. I checked Coach Satan's biography to make sure I wasn't making another error, and I found out that not only is he named after Lucifer, he was born on Halloween!!
Now I've heard of people selling their souls to win sporting events, anyone who watched the musical "Damned Mets" knows that, but I am shocked that a major university would hire someone who's obviously a follower of Beelzebub. What's next? Is Michigan State going to change its colors to red and white? Will Nick star in a remake of "Rosemary's Baby"? Did God extract his just vengeance on Satan through film star Dru Breeze?
This is really distressing. My three favorite things are God, America, and college football. Pretty soon we'll all be (Nick) Satan-worshippers waving the Mongoloid flag and watching soccer.