August 29, 2000

It sure was a long spring and an even longer summer waiting for our favorite sport of college football to get started up again, especially when my only entertainment during the summer is mixing Ma's mint juleps. I like to put a dash of Metamucil in there, makes everything in her life flow much smoother if you know what I mean.

The season got off to a boring start last weekend, with one blowout after another on the networks and no alternate games to tune in.

I don't quite get the site selection though. I thought it was supposed to be neutral sites for these glorified exhibition games, what with USC/PSU at the Meadowlands and BYU/FSU at UF's home field, the "Florida Gator" Bowl. So why did Kansas City State get to play Iowa on their home turf at Arrowhead Stadium? Iowa's already pretty horrible, if they were going to give anyone home field advantage they should have put the game in Ames.

Some people were upset about JoePa's QB Rashard Casey since Casey was not benched for what some claim were felony charges. Hey, people, even if he gets suspended after that horrible performance Sunday, Rashard would be back by October, it's only a 30-day misdemeanor to falsely impersonate a college QB.

Of course the battle of the Techs, VA and GA, got cancelled due to that awful storm. Most of you probably read that my good friend Lee Corso had a little problem with the lightning. I told Corso that God would smote him down for all his wisecracks about Notre Dame's golden boy Ron Powlus. Lee didn't listen and now his hair is curlier than ever and he smells like burnt leather (and, trust me, that odor is an improvement).

Besides, Lee's eating a little crow right now, with Ron now on an NFL roster. I predict Ron will win two Super Bowls and 3 NFL MVP trophies.

In other off-season news, there was a lot of talk about college players also playing other sports. That Weinke guy at FSU had a great season last year for the Noles, after he had spent some time playing minor league baseball. And let's not forget the Booty boys at LSU. I'm sure LSU's new head coach hasn't forgotten them, if those purple and gold bumper stickers advertising "SATAN'S BOOTY" are any indication.

The two-sport star who's gotten the most attention this year is Michigan QB Drew Henson. George Steinbrenner apparently told Drew to choose a sport, and Drew wouldn't do so, so George traded him. And that's where it gets confusing.

Steinbrenner traded Henson to Cincinnati. Except Cincinnati had drafted Akili Smith as their QB of the future, so why would the Bengals go after Henson? Especially when they already have the Stormin' Mormon, Scott Mitchell, as a backup.

And isn't Floyd Carr upset that Henson is risking his amateur standing by playing both college and pro football at the same time? And maybe the daily commute from Cincy to Ann Arbor is the reason for Henson's foot injury? That's a long drive to make every day, the accelerator foot is bound to get stressed.

Henson should have done what those old-time athletes like George Gipper did and played pro ball under an assumed name. Something catchy, like Dana Stubblefield Junior.

Multi-sports stars are nothing new in the world of football. You might remember the world's greatest athlete (no, not Jan-Michael Vincent), Jim Thorpe. Thorpe was a great star in football, a decent baseball player, and a great track athlete (he got robbed by the judges in Stockholm in 1912. I never knew why they scored track races like figure skating back then. Poor Jim was the victim of the Soviet and East German judges and their anti-American bias).

Not as many fans know that Thorpe is also famous for INVENTING a sport. One day in 1917 Thorpe was taking batting practice and noted drunk bigot Ty Cobb came charging out of the stands, screaming "you dirty injun". The two proceeded to have a donnybrook for the ages, as all the other players gathered to watch, surrounding the batting cage and the two men pounded one another's heads against home plate.

The fight officially ended in a draw, but the legend of the fight as well as its fenced-in location, led to the beginnings of a new sport. After his baseball career and football career were over, Jim Thorpe's final athletic claim to fame was as legendary steel cage wrassler Bobo Brazil.

And now you know the rest of the story.