December 18, 2001

We're just about to embark on the college bowel season. This year we've seen a lot of changes in the bowels, we've expanded some bowels and other bowels have been removed. It reminds me of my good friend Chris Schenkel's recent surgery.

The big discussion is about the BS ratings and the controversy over whether Colorado or Oregon should be playing instead of Nebraska. I don't think it matters that much, this BS system is pretty messed up. The BS named the top two teams in October (Oklahoma and Nebraska), they played the next weekend in Lincoln, Nebraska won and was named national champs, and it's just been a bunch of exhibition games ever since.

That doesn't mean I'm not all fired up for the games though. You get to see the cream of college football's 6-5 teams. You also get to watch them play football. So I'll be popping a few cold ones back in Pitt PA (I still can't adjust to calling it Pittsburgh), letting my hair down and neck out, and enjoying all the action.

Tuesday, December 18: The New Orleans Jazz Bowel (Salt Lake City, UT). North Texas vs. Colorado State.

I'm not quite sure how this matchup came about. North Texas had a losing record at 5-6, but apparently two of the losses were to Division I-AA teams, so technically, they had a winning record against I-A teams and became bowel eligible. Colorado State had a fine year behind the son of former Pitt great Alex Van Pelt, quarterback Brad Van Pelt Jr. North Texas State's most famous graduate is former sportscaster Phyllis George. My good friend Brent Musberger says Phyllis was quite a talented athlete, something about a baseball and a garden hose.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Wednesday, December 19: The Vito's Payday Loans and Repo Shop GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). East Carolina vs. Marshall.

East Carolina has done really well for an expansion team and should be fired up for this one. 2001 was a bit of a down year for football in Virginia, as Virginia Tech made it to a bowel, but UVA and Western Virginia did not make it. Fortunately for the Thomas Jefferson State, the Marshall Thundering Nerds were able to qualify for the post-season. I'm sure their most famous alumnus, Randy Moss, will cheer on his alma mater and light up a couple fat ones.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Thursday, December 20: The Captain Queeg Tangerine Bowel (Orlando, Florida). North Carolina State vs. Pitt.

Walt Harris has done a fine job bringing back the pride to Pitt. Now if only he could bring something better than a 6-5 football team. NC State has become the dominant football power on Tobacco Road. Of course, given the Panthers' season, that isn't saying much.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina State

Tuesday, December 25: The Trump Taj Mahal Las Vegas Bowel (Las Vegas, Nevada). Utah vs. Southern Cal.

This game will prove to be quite a battle of contrasts. Southern Cal has a famous band, an excellent fight song, a great winning tradition, those great red uniforms, the beautiful USC Song Girls, and several Heisman winners who haven't been charged with felonies. Utah has a cool nickname.

Beeno's Pick: USC

Thursday, December 27: The Bikini Kill Seattle Bowel (Seattle, Washington). Stanford vs. Georgia Tech.

Originally this game was set up as a playoff to determine Notre Dame's next coach. That is, once the LA Raiders' Jon Gruden turned down the job (I still stand by my prediction that Jon Gruden will lead Notre Dame to a national title sometime in the next four years. I don't know how he'll do it, but he's a very crafty guy). Then it came out that Georgia Tech Bulldog coach O'Leary lied about his age (he's really just 22 years old) and coach Willingham lied about coaching at Stanford (he's actually coaching Samford). So the Notre Dame people are planning to start all over again. There's even talk the Irish are desperate enough that they're willing to go against the Catholic Church's teachings and hire Nick Satan and his merry band of devil-worshippers.

Beeno's Pick: Stanford

Thursday, December 27: The Blessed Order of the Taliban Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Iowa State vs. Alabama.

Speaking of end-time prophecies, I believe that Iowa State making a bowel game two years in a row is a sign of apocalypse now. Or is it my neck looking like Marlon Brando's a sign of apocalypse now? The horror! Alabama has turned things around, climbing back over the .500 mark and that trend should continue as the Tide aspires to return to the mediocrity of the Bill Curry era.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, December 28: The Enron Galleryfurniture.com Bowel (Houston, Texas). TCU vs. Texas A&M.

I think this matchup is a very bright move and I'm surprised other leagues haven't done the same thing: Instead of having an early December league title game, why not turn your conference championship game into a bowel and get the fans in Texas to spend lots of money to fly all the way to Houston to watch a football game? In this case, TCU and A&M will meet to determine the Southwest Conference champion. It's been a long time since TCU won the Southwest Conference, not since the glory days of Doak Walker, though I'm afraid the Aggies will have a bit too much for TCU this time.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Friday, December 28: The Metallica Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Boston College vs. Georgia.

The BC Terriers have done well since reinstating football a couple years ago. Georgia of course never dropped football (although it sure looked like they dropped the sport during the Ray Goff era). This year's Music City Bowel halftime show will feature Christina Twain in black leather telling the crowd to "Whip It". I'm way ahead of you, honey.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Friday, December 28: The D-Con Holiday Bowel (San Diego, California). Washington vs. Texas.

This will be exciting just to see Major Applewhite return to his father Marshall Applewhite's hometown of San Diego. I hope all the remaining Heaven's Gate members show up, preferably without those tacky pillowcases. Washington has really toughened up their program behind Ricky the Magic Pixie Neuheisel. Ricky finally stopped being a wimp, "plugged in", and now plays an electric guitar for his much more macho campfire sing-a-longs.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Saturday, December 29: The Acura Motor City Bowel (Pontiac, Michigan). Toledo vs. Cincinnati.

I wasn't aware that Toledo got an NFL franchise, though I think it's nice that they're bringing professional football to Michigan. The Bengals are pretty weak this year, so this is an easy pick.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Saturday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Texas Tech vs. Iowa.

This game will be a rematch of one of the classics in Alamo Bowel history, five years ago, when Iowa shut out Texas Tech. Or was it Texas Tech shutting out Iowa? In any event, the '96 Alamo Bowel was an unforgettable moment in college football history. Or am I thinking of the '83 Astro-Bluebonnet Bowel?

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Saturday, December 29: The Amazon.com Insight.com Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Kansas City State vs. Syracuse.

These two teams met in a BS Bowel game in Tempe a few years back. Kansas City State won that game in a rout, and it's doubtful Syracuse will be ready for them this time either. Fact is, if I was stuck in Syracuse I'd be thrilled just to get out of town for a few days, winning the football game would be the least of my concerns.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Monday, December 31: The Hezbollah Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). La Tech vs. Clemson.

While I realize that Clemson had a disappointing season, I don't think it's very nice to punish them by sending them to Idaho in the middle of winter, especially not when their orange uniforms will clash so badly with the blue field. Clemson does catch a break in playing the only foreign school playing D-1 football, France's La Tech. Those Bowdens are smart fellas and I'm sure they'll have Woody Dantzler bark out his signals in German to keep La Tech's defense racing away from the line of scrimmage.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Monday, December 31: The Cru-ex Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Washington State vs. Purdue.

It's too bad that former porn star and Purdue QB Dru Breeze graduated last year, because this bowel, right on the edge of exciting Juarez, was ready-set for Breeze's talents. Especially that magical donkey trick seen in "Dru Breeze and Sorcerer's Appendage". Washington State will have to settle for watching Dru's understudy entertain the crowds.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Monday, December 31: The Jayne Mansfield Memorial Silicone Valley Classic Bowel (San Jose, California). Michigan State vs. FSU

I give Coach Bowden some credit. It's not too many schools that would have the guts to use split squads, one at this game in California, the other playing the next day in Jacksonville, Florida. Michigan State has had an up and down season, though they did have an exciting win over their fiercest rival, Central Michigan University, thanks to a great performance by Tico J. Duckett.

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Monday, December 31: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). BYU vs. Louisville.

BYU held onto slim hopes for a BS bowel bid. They saw that Nebraska got a bid to the Rose Bowel after giving up 62 points to Colorado, so BYU went them one better and gave up 70 points to Hawaii. But the BS committee wasn't impressed so the Cougars missed out on big bucks payout. Louisville hasn't beaten a highly touted team since the days of their former coach Howard Schembechler, but they should manage to put up 60 or so points on BYU this time.

Beeno's Pick: Louisville

Monday, December 31: The Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). North Carolina vs. Auburn.

The Tar Heels had a rough start then turned things around. Auburn got off to a fine start then turned things in the other direction. These two teams are going in opposite directions and may end up passing each other on I-85 and miss the game altogether. That might not be such a bad thing, as this game looks about as interesting as Dick Clark's Rockin' Boxing Day special next week.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Tuesday, January 1: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Oklahoma vs. Arkansas.

Now this is another tradition that got turned on its head. There's only one matchup that should occur in the Cotton Bowel: Oklahoma and Texas. It's been that way for decades, with both schools sending all their fans down IH-35 to get drunk and puke all over the Schoolbook Suppository Museum (how does one use a schoolbook suppository anyway?). Now they're totally upsetting tradition by having Oklahoma play Arkansas instead of Texas. Next thing you know, Arkansas will join the Big 8 and abandon the Southwest Conference.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Tuesday, January 1: The Rally's Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Ohio State vs. South Carolina.

Coach Cooper really wanted a rematch and he got it. Too bad he's long gone from Ohio State (I'd never seen scarlet and grey feathers before). Lou Holtz has done an amazing job with South Carolina, which probably means he's got his resume all updated and is scheduling interviews for other coaching jobs.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Tuesday, January 1: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Florida State vs. Virginia Tech.

This is a rematch of that classic Sugar Bowel showdown from two years ago, although apparently both schools have lost all their good players. I bet it is very ironic for Florida State and Coach Bowden to be playing in their top rival's stadium, the FU Gator Bowel.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Tuesday, January 1: The Fulmer-Carr Citrus Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Tennessee vs. Michigan.

Since these two coaches have made more trips to Orlando than Britney Spheres' plastic surgeon, this bowel's been renamed in their honor. These two teams have never met, but the Heisman controversy of a few years ago has led to some bitterness between the schools. I don't quite know why, it was an easy choice for me to vote for Desmond Howard over Heath Shuler.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Tuesday, January 1: The Manitoba Bureau of Tourism Fiesta Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Colorado vs. Oregon.

After last year's annihilation of Notre Dame, the Beavers return again to face Colorado. The Golden Buffaloes have really turned things around this year, with recent two huge wins over highly rated teams as well as some great success in the current recruiting season, where only 50% of their verbals have been charged with crimes.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Tuesday, January 1: The R J Reynolds Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Louisiana). LSU vs. Illinois.

Well, here are two solid candidates for coach of the year. My vote goes to Norv Turner for his job with the Illini, because I don't think a coach who uses the dark arts the way Nick Satan does should be eligible for consideration. While his pre-game pep rally before the SEC title game was truly inspirational, I doubt any other former LSU coaches will ever be foolish enough to volunteer for a simulated human sacrifice the way Jerry DiNardo did. Hey, Nick, when you set up the pyre for a simulated sacrifice, you use water, not gasoline. Or did you know that all along, Mr. SATAN? We'll miss you, Jerry.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Wednesday, January 2: The Beta Carotine Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Maryland vs. Florida.

Maryland has had a great year behind Coach Fridge. Visor Boy looked to be headed for a big cross-state matchup with Miami until they lost the Tennessee game in overtime. As a consolation prize for not playing Miami, they get to play IN Miami, against the Big East champs. I suspect that the Gators will have a few tricks up their sleeve (I'd suggest an iron pipe or two up the sleeve for the muggers).

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Thursday, January 3: The Rose Bowel presented by the Heartbreak of Psoriasis (Pasadena, California). Miami vs. Nebraska

Choose your cliche: Canevicts vs. Cornvicts. Vicious trash-talking violent criminals vs. guys who play for Miami. Insurance salesmen from North Platte vs. Two Live Crew. Chest thumpers vs. goat humpers.

Personally, I think this will be a great matchup, although I don't know if the Pasadena Chamber of Commerce will be ready for the invasion of Husker Nation (advice: study up on tobacco stain removal techniques) and Miami's handful of fans who don't have parole conditions that bar out of state travel.

I think the Huskers closed out pretty strongly; in their most recent game they held Colorado to a mere 27 points in the second half. That's less than a point a minute! Miami's going to be hard-pressed to lay 60 on Nebraska. I told that to my colleague Herb Street and claimed that he laid 60 on the Chi Theta house at Ohio State. I said "yeah, but Herb, those were girls, it's easy to score on them, they play lousy defense. Try scoring against men". Herb just said "ewwwww, gross" and ran out of the room.

Beeno's Pick: Miami