2003 Week 3
September 10, 2003
Things sure went downhill at ESPN in a hurry after I left. They used to ask me for advice on what games to telecast and so forth. I tried to save them from a few disastrous TV choices, like their idea of showing Florida Undergraduate College vs. the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. Once ESPN saw the pregame show, they quickly had to invent the blue dot to cover a couple of the letters in the bands' formations.
So I'm sitting at home last Saturday, with no TV lights, no cameras, no makeup, and no neck clip.
I continue watch the games, because I never know who might ask me about what happened during my chat session on Wednesday. It would be embarrassing to not see the games and waste time talking about trivial old-time football stuff that nobody cares about.
So I tuned in ESPN last Saturday, and they said they were going to show a game from Tuscaloosa.
Now I love 'Bama. I started rooting for them in high school back when George Wallace Wade was the coach, long before he became governor. Add in the great history with the Bear and the Junction Boys, not to mention Johnny Musso and his Iron Bowel. It's a great tradition. So any time the Tide is on TV I look forward to the game.
I was a bit nervous waiting to see what the Tide's uniforms would look like. Former Coach Price had revealed his Alabama uniform concept to me last spring over a couple dozen whiskey sours at Angel's in Pensacola.
Coach Price told me, "THOSE OREGON UNIFORMS! ARE REALLY EASY TO PICK OUT!! SO THEIR QUARTERBACKS DON'T THROW INTERCEPTIONS!!! THAT'S WHAT WE NEED AT BAMA, DON'T YOU AGREE BEENO!!!!! YEAH, BEENO, YOU'RE MY MAN!!! SO HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO! YELLOW JERSEYS WITH FLUORESCENT RED STRIPES ON THE SIDE LIKE THIS!!! NO, HONEY, IT'S JUST A MAGIC MARKER, RELAX!!!! YEAH, THAT'S IT!! WE'LL DRAW A BIG CIRCLE AROUND THE BELLY BUTTON TOO JUST LIKE THIS!!! COME BACK HERE, SWEETIE, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT WITH MY PEN!!!"
Fortunately Coach Shula's a lot like his brother Don, he likes tradition. So I was relieved to see the Tide out there in their white road uniforms with crimson stripes, plain crimson helmets, no fluorescent red stripes, and no fat flopping belly buttons showing either.
Then I noticed that the other team was wearing Alabama uniforms too, the classic deep crimson color and the white pants.
I dropped my remote in my lap, stunned (and it took me a few minutes to find it again, it got lost in the lint). ESPN had decided to show an Alabama intrasquad scrimmage in prime time.
Now this would have *never* happened if they kept in touch with me over the past few weeks. I would have told them that few would watch such a scrimmage.
Even worse, every time I tuned in the game on Saturday the crimson-uniformed Alabama squad was on defense and the white-uniformed Alabama squad was on offense (apparently the "O" on the helmet stood for "offense"). Of course the game resulted in a shutout, it's pretty hard for a defense to score points.
ESPN also re-showed my good friend Lee Corso's prediction before the game, where he put on an elephant trunk hat, just like the elephant trunk thong that Coach Price modeled for me at Angel's. Coach Corso actually picked Alabama to win its own scrimmage! He's quite the jokester.
Now that I'm no longer being shown on ESPN, I do have an announcement to make for my fans. I'm working out a deal for a new TV show. I'm going to be talking about all sorts of sports stories, and discussing new computer products put out by my sponsor, OneNeck IT Solutions. The ads will be good, I stand there gripping the first 25 inches of my neck and say "OneNeck, we'll help you get your hands around most of the problem".
Last Saturday, after I got tired of the Alabama scrimmage, I tuned in that Miami vs. Florida game.
I was kind of stunned to see Brook Berlin transfer from Florida to Miami's team at halftime of the game.
Apparently they're instituting some new SEC transfer rules for backup quarterbacks in time for Miami joining the league, and the Canes took full advantage by arranging an in-game interconference transfer to acquire Brook Berlin.
Florida, unfortunately, had to wait longer to get their interconference transfer (his plane must have been delayed from Knoxville). But during the 4th quarter Florida was able to put in QB C J Leak (formerly of the University of Tennessee). He almost carried the Gators to victory in an exciting finish.
The other great story from the weekend was South Carolina's win over Virginia.
Now I admit I made a mistake last week, many of you wrote in when I congratulated Coach Holtz for his win over Auburn to say that I'd made a grievous error. You're right, USC is not in the SEC. South Carolina is back in the ACC, that's why they opened with Virginia. The conferences been shuffling a lot of teams lately.
Anyway, Coach Holtz said that South Carolina's chances against Virginia were comparable to the "chances of that stripper who's running for Governor of California". Then he goes out and South Carolina wins the game! It sounds like things are going to be pretty exciting in the California race next month!
Lou's been famous for his political endorsements in the past. One time he endorsed Jesse "Bubba" Helms, then he went hogwild on the Jesse endorsements, he came and spoke well of Jesse Jackson, Jesse Ventura, Jesse Owens, and some soap opera actor/singer named Rick Springsteen.
I checked out that stripper/governor that Coach Holtz spoke about, turns out she's named Mary Carey. Apparently she's a singing stripper who's sold a lot of records by getting nekkid on Heisman winner Carson Daly's TV show. So she's just like Rick Springsteen, except for the taking off the clothes part.
So I'm looking forward to Governor Carey's administration. I hope she has room for a in her cabinet for a Secretary of Goiters. Or in her closet, or even under her desk. I'm not too particular.