2003 Week 6
October 9, 2003
I apologize for not writing my column last week. I was a bit indisposed as I finally bit the bullet and went in for some surgery.
When ESPN told me I was no longer going to appear on their TV shows, they first said "we're looking in a new direction". Of course, judging by that new Monday Night Football sideline reporter Lisa Gugigolo, I'd say that direction was Twin Peaks.
In August my good friend Chris Fowler took me aside and said "Beeno, I hate to tell you this, but ESPN did some testing and found out that your physical appearance was scaring people away from the show. When people are trying to catch up on the late night college football highlights, the last thing they want to see is this huge blob of flesh with wrinkles and veins and so forth. And the stuff above your neck was nothing to write home about either".
So I went in to the surgeon last week and had some neck work done. My goiter looks a lot better now, it's been reshaped to resemble Susan Lucci's (speaking of which, whatever happened to Susan's football star husband Mike?). I've also had two chins taken out and about 10 inches removed from the rest of my neck. In the process I've dropped 35 pounds.
I'm feeling a lot healthier than I have in years, and looking like a movie star. In fact, if they ever remake that movie about the space aliens and old folks getting it on, I'm all set. You know, that "Cocancoon" movie directed by coaching legend Frank Howard's red-headed stepchild Ronald McDonald Howard?
Let the new trim handsome Beeno have a shot at some alien hottie like Barbarella Eden, I'll show 'em how it's done. They say it's like riding a bike, once you learn how you never fall off.
While recuperating I was able to enjoy a lot of college football, especially thanks to the nice bottle of happy pills that I found under the desk on the ESPN NFL Gameday set.
I especially liked watching the Western Virginia vs. Miami tilt. Western Virginia threw a pass to a fullback, who rumbled 40 yards to the end zone. The fullback took out more Miami football players than the Coral Gables cops do on a typical weekend.
Western Virginia then kicked the extra point and took the overtime lead by 1 point. Then after I came to again from the Vicodin, I saw Miami lining up for its extra point, which they made, to tie the game up once more and send it into the 2nd overtime. Except they didn't go to the second overtime, instead they said the game was over. I have to say that these overtime rules are getting more and more confusing.
I'd like to congratulate Northern Illinois for pulling out yet another stunning upset against Ohio. The Bucks' good fortune had to run out sometime, though their coach has had them on one heck of a run. I just hope that Coop doesn't change the lucky sweater vest he bought a couple years ago, he's been doing a lot better since then and shouldn't let one loss affect him too much.
The strangest exhibition of the weekend was Michigan's new-fangled way of kicking the ball against Iowa, with the punter running around wildly like a sheep at a West Lafayette frat house. Bo Schwarzenegger must be spinning in his grave.
The origin of the "punt" in football actually goes back almost 100 years. You see, teams didn't used to kick the ball on 4th down, they always went for it, like real men are wont to do.
All that changed in 1904 during a game between Yale and Chicago. Anus Alonzo Stagg's boys were locked in a tight one with his alma mater and his former coach Walter Camp. Chicago, ahead by one point with half a minute left, faced a fourth down and 10 at their own 20 and had to go for it, as was expected back then. Of course if they didn't make the first down Yale would have been able to attempt a field goal for the victory.
The ball was snapped to legendary quarterback Walter Eckersall in the V-shaped flying wedge formation (the wedge got its name because crushed opponents said it hurt more than a wedgie). The snap was off target and hit the halfback in the helmet and went in the air. Eckersall flailed around looking for the ball and accidentally kicked it.
The ball sailed past midfield, so instead of losing the ball near the line of scrimmage, Chicago had kicked the ball and forced Yale to their own 45, with only 20 seconds left. Yale couldn't score in that time and Chicago won the game thanks to the new-fangled invention, another testament to the genius of Anus Alonzo Stagg.
Coach Camp was mad as the dickens after the game at Coach Stagg's failure to go for it on 4th down in conventional fashion. In fact, Coach Camp was the man who inadvertently christened the new kicking maneuver as "punt". You see, the original term used was "p'unt", which was an abbreviation of what Coach Camp was screaming at Coach Stagg, "Anus, you pathetic ****", which got shortened to "p'unt", then, finally, to "punt".
And now you know the rest of the story.