December 8, 2004

The big news of the week has been the search for a new coach at Notre Dame.

After the firing of Ty Dillingham, the officials at Notre Dame have been trying to fill some big shoes. I mean like size 15 shoes. That Ty sure had some huge feet. EEE width huge.

I think Notre Dame has to look at their greatest era of success--when they filled all those formerly empty seats in the early years under Bob Davis. They don't want to mess up and go back to the unoccupied bleachers they had a few years ago.

So here are some coaches Notre Dame should not consider:

Larry Coke: The 'Canes do not sell out their stadium

Ron Hawkins at Boys' State: I don't think Notre Dame Stadium would look good with that pink turf.

Lew Holts: While he's done a fine job at USC, he had trouble selling tickets at ND and he's struggling to fill the seats at the Coliseum.

Here are some people that I hope Notre Dame considers hiring:

Joe Paterno: JoePa is looking for some new challenges, and that stadium in State College Station is filled to the brim.

Bobby Bowden: People would show up just to hear him say "dadgummit" all the time.

Bill McCartney: Men love to go to stadiums, drink beer, then cry after Bill tells them that his daughter Jenny McCartney won't be giving it up for them.

Regis Fillbin: He's a Notre Dame man, he's got plenty of free time, and he could hire his cohost Kelly Ripme to coach tight ends.

We had only a few games last weekend. Auburn knocked off Tennessee in the battle for the Golden Toothbrush. My good friend Chris Fowler asked me how we knew that the toothbrush was invented in Knoxville. I told him I didn't know. He said "if it was invented anywhere else it would be known as the Teethbrush". I don't quite understand Chris at times.

Navy won the annual battle with Army. I love watching that game, especially the pre-game flyover, though I don't think it was sporting to have those Air Force planes try to strafe coach Johnson.

Oklahoma bombed Colorado in a game played at Kansas City State's Jayhawkdome.

But my favorite game was the USC/UCLA matchup. I always love keeping a close eye on the Cheerleader Bowel.

There's been a lot of talk lately about major league baseball and their plan to move a team from some Frog town to our nation's capital.

The major professional sports are noted for moving teams around when the attendance and quality of play falls off. But the practice originated in college football, in our nation's capital. Our country's seat of government has seen more than just bad baseball teams leave town.

In the first decade of the 20th century, due to lousy attendance and five straight 1-win seasons, Washington University moved from DC to St. Louis.

After much lobbying by the politicians, the "district" was given an expansion college. A mere 20 years after that, following more lousy football, this new Washington University moved to Seattle. The people in Seattle even named the state after the school! That was one of the inducements promised the owners!

Undaunted, a new school with a different name was opened in the 1960s, with the hopes that not using "Washington" in the school's name would bring good luck to the football program (it's kind of like how those baseball people think naming this new Washington baseball team the "Naturals" will be good luck). The owners even got the 1960s expansion school into that sissy-boy Ivy League to make it easier to win games.

Within a mere decade the team was in the midst of a 39-game losing streak, so the owners of the school packed up the school from the District of Columbia and moved it to New York City, where it reopened as "Columbia University". The football is still pretty lousy, but at least there are no more bad football teams in Washington DC. Unless you count Visor Boy's former team.

I'll be back next week with Beeno's 2004 Bowel Preview. You wouldn't believe some of the crap I've dug up.

See Beeno's 2004 Bowel Preview