December 13, 2004

This is my absolute favorite time of the year.

We've got eggnog, football, Bacardi, long touchdown runs, Depends undergarments, quarterback sacks, my good friend Lee Corso, quarterback buttocks, Absolut, my good friend Jim Beam, and more football.

The bowel season starts nice and early this year and lasts three full weeks. And many of the teams competing will finish with winning records.

Tuesday, December 14: The New Orleans Cyclamates Bowel (New Orleans, LA). Northern Texas vs. Southern Mississippi.

They keep on moving up this warmup bowel game. It's earlier and earlier each year. In a few years they'll probably play this game during Mardi Gras.

I went to Mardi Gras a couple years ago. While I was walking the street after the parade I noticed it was raining on the streets. This was odd because I looked up but didn't see a cloud in the sky, just these guys on the roofs waving at me. The rain tasted like egg white. New Orleans is a strange town.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Tuesday, December 21: The Warner Brothers Tangerine Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Georgia Tech vs. Syracuse.

This will be a good warm-up game for Syracuse, as they play an ACC team in a bowel game in preparation for the Orange Testicles' entry into the ACC next year. But I expect the Bulldogs to prevail.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Tech

Wednesday, December 22: The Vito's Auto Repossession GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Memphis vs. Boweling Green.

I have to give credit to that Irvin Meyer guy. Not only is he coaching Utah in their bowel game this year, he's also coaching bowel games for Florida and Boweling Green, and maybe Notre Dame if he has some spare time. I haven't seen a football figure take on such a large task at once since my good friend Jill Arrington's evening out with Rod Jeremy.

Beeno's Pick: Boweling Green

Thursday, December 23: The Dallas Schoolbook Suppository Fort Worth Bowel. Cincinnati vs. Marshall.

Here are two more teams that will be conference rivals next year. Marshall may have bit off more than it can chew by joining the AFC Norris.

Beeno's Pick: The Bengals

Thursday, December 23: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Wyoming vs. UCLA.

This matchup of 5-loss teams should be renamed the "Boxcar Bowel". After it's over there will be more sixes than on Nick Satan's lottery ticket.

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Friday, December 24: The Telluride Hulo Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Hawaii vs. Alabama Birmingham.

Now this is just one more unfortunate situation. There have been a lot of scandals in Tuscaloosa, but this may be the worst. Apparently Alabama moved some of their home games to Birmingham this year and they're trying to pass themselves off as a different school in order to get into two bowel games.

You'd think Coach Shula would have learned his lesson when he illegally jumped from the Indianapolis Colts to Miami of Ohio over 30 years ago.

Beeno's Pick: Hawaii

Monday, December 27: The Michael Jackson Children's Playhouse Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). FSU vs. Virginia.

Why is this matchup being played all the way out in Idaho, when they could have met each other halfway in East Carolina? Could someone get Coach Bowden a map? And what is it with all these ACC teams meeting up in bowel games anyway?

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Monday, December 27: The Saab Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Toledo vs. Yukon.

This game will be played right across the river from Canada, so I guess it's just as well that Toledo is lining up against a Canadian team like Yukon. I just hope that all those men in motion don't confuse the Mud Rockets. Look for Toledo QB Bruce Grabowski to make his father, Mike Ditka, proud.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Tuesday, December 28: The French Foreign Legion Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Miami Ohio vs. Iowa State.

Now this is what confuses me. The Motor City Bowel is supposed to match up the MAC and the Big 10, yet the MAC/Big 10 matchup is down in Shreveport of all places.

Beeno's Pick: Miami Ohio

Tuesday, December 28: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Notre Dame vs. Oregon State.

When I first saw that Notre Dame would be playing an Oregon team, I was going to speculate on how well the Irish players could penetrate Beavers. Then I remembered that the Beavers are Oregon. So now I'm wondering how well the Irish players can penetrate Ducks.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Wednesday, December 29: The Enron Houston Bowel (Houston, Texas). Colorado vs. UTEP.

It's neat to see two of the real class gentlemen in the sport, Gary Barnett and Mike Price, meet in this bowel game. As long as Gary keeps Mike away from the CU recruiting hostesses we shouldn't have any problems with elephant trunk thong underwear.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado

Wednesday, December 29: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Ohio State vs. Oklahoma State.

OSU's gotten a lot of notoriety recently thanks to their infamous early-NFL draft entry former running back and all his weird antics. But enough about Deion Sanders' brother Barry. Let's talk about the Buckeyes. I stopped by the ESPN studios and told them how much I like Ginn. My good friend Lee Corso said he thought Amyl Nitrate was better. I don't even see Amyl on my roster.

Beeno's Pick: OSU

Thursday, December 30: The Continental Tire State Championship Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). North Carolina vs. Boston College.

Ever since the first Virginia State Championship Game between Virginia and Western Virginia, this bowel game has been scrambling for in-state teams. At least this game matches up two future ACC members, as BC battles back from their unwise decision to drop football a few years ago.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Thursday, December 30: The Cubic Zirconium San Francisco Bowel (San Francisco, California). New Mexico vs. Navy.

I'm sure everybody in San Francisco is looking forward to a bowel full of seamen.

Beeno's Pick: Navy

Thursday, December 30: The Carlyle Holiday Bowel (San Diego, California). Cal vs. Texas Tech.

Cal is really furious over being kept out of the Rose Bowel by some weird BS system rules. Coach Ted Ford was so angry that I thought he might have a blood vessel burst. Coach Ford will have to learn how to calm down, and I hope he talks to his Texas Tech counterpart, Coach Knight.

Beeno's Pick: Cal

Thursday, December 30: The Tara Reid Silicone Valley Classic Bowel (San Jose, California). Northern Illinois vs. Troy

I really don't think it's fair to have a school as stacked as Troy in the Silicone Valley Bowel. Northern Illinois' cheerleaders won't stand a chance against the Song Girls.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Friday, December 31: The Dr. Dre Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Alabama vs. Minnesota.

Now here's a matchup we've all been waiting for. Okay, maybe not.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, December 31: The Cru-ex Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Purdue vs. Arizona State.

It's great to see Purdue back in Greater Juarez. A few years ago that was the scene of one of the school's greatest triumphs, when Purdue's quarterback, porn star Dru Breeze, took on Long Dong Donkey.

Beeno's Pick: Purdue

Friday, December 31: Marcus Liberty's Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Boys State vs. the St. Louisville Cardinals.

This is also intriguing. A bunch of bad boys from Nebraska who played a high school schedule. Oh, wait, that was the Cornhuskers. Boys State actually went up against small colleges and won all their games. Now they'll take on some major leaguers. In another month or two, once the steroids washed out of the blood system, I'd pick the baseballers to lose. But not now.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville

Friday, December 31: The Ted Turner Colonoscopy Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Miami vs. Florida.

There seems to be a real pattern this year where bowel organizers are matching up a current ACC team with a future conference member. In this case I have to give the edge to the Canes.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Saturday, January 1: The Whattaburger Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Wisconsin vs. Georgia.

Now here's a real battle. This one will be trench warfare. You've got some real strong arguments for each side in terms of strength, foul temperament, and ankle-biting skills.

Beeno's Pick: Bucky Badger over Uga

Saturday, January 1: The Dulcolax Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Texas A&M vs. Tennessee.

There's going to be more orange in this bowel than there was in mine after I went on that Sunkist diet. Gig 'Em Horns!

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Saturday, January 1: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Florida State vs. Western Virginia.

Man, yet another ACC vs. future ACC game. I gotta go with the home state team, though I'm sure Coach Bowden must be uncomfortable playing in his archrival's home stadium, the FU Gator's Bowels.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Saturday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Iowa vs. LSU.

Now here's a coaching matchup anyone can respect: The wily Hayden Fox vs. the evil Nick Satan. I checked the schedule, this one's being played during the day. And you know what I say about LSU, they're like vampires, they suck the most at night.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Saturday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by the University of California (Pasadena, California). Michigan vs. Texas.

I knew that the Pac-8 was going to expand someday, but I guess they went ahead and let in Texas without telling anybody. That's really going to mess up the Aggies' previous conference, the Southwest Conference. Who's SMU going to play in the big rivalry game now? Maybe the Pony knows. Has anyone seen the Pony?

As for Michigan, I suspect their defensive line may get exposed. It's too bad they can't get a rematch against Notre Dame, because Michigan's gotten a lot better at beating the bishop.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Saturday, January 1: The Tostitos Lame Duck Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Utah vs. Pitt.

Given Irvin Meyer's departure from the land behind the Zion curtain, as well as Walt Harris' recent bad experience with tar and feathers, this bowel game was renamed.

I have to say that I'm pretty proud of the performance of the Pitt Panthers this year. This is their first trip to a New Year's Day Bowel since my neck was only a size 20 and I was on my very first colostomy bag. Utah has had an even finer year, winning the WAC and, like 15 other schools, joining the ACC.

Beeno's Pick: Utah

Monday, January 3: The Cuba Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Louisiana). Auburn vs. Virginia Tech.

Now there's a lot of controversy about this one. Some people are saying that the BS system is screwed up, that this matchup never should have occurred. I agree with them. A powerhouse like Va Tech that won the 20-team ACC should be matched up with a better bowel opponent than a school that sailed through the decimated SEC after half the SEC left for the ACC.

Beeno's Pick: The Cavs

Tuesday, January 4: The Beta Carotine Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). USC vs. Oklahoma.

Well, I guess some people are claiming that this is the BS national championship game. All I have to say is that I don't care what magic tricks TV psycho Diane Carroll's son Pete pulled, the USC Cocks don't belong in this game.

Oklahoma is a true powerhouse this year, what with Charles White's son Jason at quarterback and Bernadette Peters' son Adrienne at halfback. You talk about some good bloodlines, you can't beat Charles and Bernadette, not even if you're banging a trash can lid while high on crack. I remember watching that documentary about Bernadette and how she got pregnant with Adrienne by that guy with white hair who was born a poor black child.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma