2004 Week 2
September 16, 2004
We've now got the first big weekend of college football into the record books.
I've certainly complained in the past about conferences that schedule early-season cupcakes, like Cal's bombing New Mexico State and Boston College's blowout win over Penn. So I'd like to give some credit to one conference that is doing things the right way.
It all started with Missouri's big trip to play Troy. I was a bit confused, not having heard of a team called Troy before, but my good friend Herb Street noted that they'd changed their name. I just want to know what Troy did with their world-famous Song Girls.
But it didn't end there. Nebraska took on Ole Miss, and Archie's boys pulled out the upset after Nebraska's quarterback ran out of bounds short of the first down. I hear Coach Osborne is going to make him wear a skirt next week. In better news for the league, Oklahoma took on Houston and beat the Oilers by a big margin.
So let's give credit to the one league with the guts to play tough non-conference foes, the Big Eight.
In other action, Ty Dillingham got his season off on a good note, knocking off Floyd Carr's Michigan team. I predict that Notre Dame running back Darius Walker will win his granddaddy's trophy, the Doak Walker Award.
The biggest conference opener of the year was the long-awaited Miami vs. Florida State showdown held at the Florida Gator Bowel. FSU jumped out to what looked like a solid lead, but Miami came back and pulled it out in overtime.
Now I'm still trying to get these overtime rules straight. FSU fumbled in overtime at the Miami 35 but they gave Miami the ball at the Florida State 25. Then after Miami scored FSU didn't get a chance to tie, so apparently it was sudden death.
In any event, Miami has now taken an early edge in the SEC South race.
There were a number of other early conference matchups last Saturday. Utah had a big WAC win over Arizona. Ohio U upset Marshall on a last-second field goal. And there was the big Southwest showdown between Texas and Arkansas, which Texas won in the final seconds, just like the way the Aggies pulled it out in Fayetteville in 1969 (and the way I pulled it out in Fayetteville 20 years before that, right Mary Sue?).
I've gotten a lot of questions from you as to when I'm going to appear again on TV. I'm not sure what ESPN has in mind on that front. I've offered to do studio work. I even suggested that perhaps I could do the weather report just like that Jill Barbie girl on the NFL games. Though I can promise you I'm not going to be giving that pork-faced Satan Jimmy Johnson any lap dances.
The studio shows have changed a lot since the early days. Back then you had tough-minded football honchos giving the scores and showing some great Marlboro commercials. Now you have a bunch of loudmouths in frilly dresses like my good friend Lee Corso.
My personal favorite from the old days was the first host we had on ABC's "Prudential Scoreboard", who went by the stage name of David Diles.
David looked quite sharp in his stylish haircut and yellow ABC blazer set against a soft Carolina blue backdrop. In fact, on those occasions where I appeared with him, similarly styled, our faces stood out so much against the background that they referred to us as "talking heads". I heard that term used again a couple years ago when I wore my now infamous black shirt in front of a black background. I hadn't realized how much my goiter had grown over the years.
David was a fine host, he could spit out those scores like sunflower seeds. The problem with David was that he would chain-smoke cigarettes when the camera wasn't on him. So he'd be sitting there, then say "and now over to you, Beeno, for your commentary on the Rice vs. Texas Tech showdown".
Then I'd start explaining how Tommy Kramer was going to win three Heisman trophies, and meanwhile this huge cloud of smoke would be floating over to me and I'd start coughing up part of a lung. Let me tell you, those network executives did not like their expensive oak desks covered with pieces of my lungs.
They finally got David to stop smoking on the set, but that just meant his hands had nothing to do. So since he wasn't allowed to burn cigarettes, he started lighting other things on fire, like the sheets on which the scores were listed. He'd just sit there, mesmerized by the flame, and then he'd blow it out and start making up scores.
Finally there came a day where Mississippi State pulling a shocking upset over Bear Bryant's Alabama squad. I said that this was a once in a lifetime win for Ole Miss State. I turned my head and David had poured lighter fluid on the desk, threw a match onto it, laughed maniacally and chanting "once in a lifetime" while dancing on the fire. I said, "David, what's wrong?" and he say "shut up, butthead".
That was enough for ABC, they escorted David from the Prudential postgame studio. While outside the building he set three cars, a row house, and one bicycle messenger on fire. Then he ran off before the police showed up.
David Diles' fire habit did lead to a change in his life after he served a few months in the slammer. He went back to his given name and wrote about his adventures at the network. He also exchanged his Prudential "piece of the rock" for a piece of that new fangled rock and roll. You see, David went back to his original name, David Burn, and formed a rock ensemble named for our time at ABC, called the "talking heads".
And now you know the rest of the story. Not to mention the origin of David's songs "Psycho Killer" and "Burning Down the House".