2004 Week 3
September 21, 2004
I'm glad that things are almost back to normal in the world of college football. No Sunday games, no exhibition games, and Song Girls galore doing lap dances for those wild folks in Provo.
Well, there was one thing I couldn't quite figure out. I know that the the football geeks have really been pushing those Fantasy Football leagues. And don't get me started on that really filthy XXX Box stuff like Steve Madden Football.
Anyway, imagine my surprise when last Thursday I turned on ESPN to watch the big game between Cal and Ole Miss. I figured it would be quite the intersectional matchup.
So I was more than a bit surprised not to see any real football. Instead the two teams lined up to sit at a table and pull out these cards to play what I guess was a game of table football. I know that Cal is a brainy school, and I know that Schwarzkopf as a real pickle on his hands with their state's budget, but to reduce football to some board game? Well, let's say that I could barely stand it.
I was also surprised to see that Cal had replaced their coach Ted Ford with a big fat cigar-chomping guy that I soon realized was Maryland's coach Fridge. I guess Fridge's heart must not be up to playing games on the field. I bet a lot of schools are calling Ted Ford this week.
The best action of the weekend took place in the Southeastern Conference. They play some mighty good football in the SEC, and there were a couple nail-biting finishes.
Tennessee pulled one out against Visor Boy's Florida team at Sergeant Neyland Stadium to take control of the SEC North race. This one went down to the wire.
Now I'm still a bit unsure about these overtime rules. Tennessee got a field goal to win the game after Florida had ended regulation up by 1 point. But Florida didn't get their chance with the ball, so apparently this was another of those NFL type sudden death overtimes.
In the early game, Auburn trailed LSU 9-3, but scored with a minute to go to tie up the score. The Tigers missed the extra point, but the LSU Purple Devils were penalized and Auburn got a second chance and won the game 10-9. LSU was pretty upset about the penalty call, in fact I saw head coach Nick Satan's head spin around at least half a dozen times. Well, Nick, that's what you get for having one of your possessed players leap 20 feet into the air. That Bible Belt is pretty straitlaced and they aren't too tolerant of all that devil stuff.
LSU wasn't the only team trying to take advantage of supernatural powers. Coach Satan's former team, the Michigan State Chippewas, changed things up against Notre Dame with quarterback Steve Reaves. Reaves, of course, is the grandson of the late original Superman George Reaves and the son of Superman Christopher Reaves.
Say what you want about Ty Dillingham, that Notre Dame coach knows how to prepare, and he had his team set to battle Reeves. Unfortunately, poor coach Dillingham missed a lot of the action because had to run off to the potty several times during the game. Apparently Kryptonite is a diuretic. Hey, Ty, do what I do, get those Depends undergarments, then you can let loose any time you want and you won't have any worries.
The Fighting Chippewas fought back by putting on their green pants and substituting their new quarterback Brett Reed. He played a pretty good game, but in the end Michigan State fell short, because the Green Hornet's superpowers are much better suited to a running game than the spread offense.
The Chippewas will need some new superheroes for the Big Ten season. Coach John Smith spent last summer climbing Mt. Fiji and you can bet he was hoping to sign up Mothra.
Coach Smith is also notable because of his name change. There are many players and coaches like the former Coach Perles who have changed their names to get a fresh start.
One of the most famous from long ago was a USC lineman with the wussy name Marion Morrison, who changed his name and subsequently became famous as Big Ten commissioner Wayne Duke.
One of the most recent name changes is LSU's top lineman, who got his new name over the weekend when he married another famous Louisiana native, so he's now known as Marcus Spheres.
Marriage can lead to a lot of name changes. If I hear my good friend Lee Corso call my good friend Herb Street "sweetheart" one more time on those ESPN broadcasts, I'm going to predict at least two trips down the aisle for the happy couple, though I'm not sure which of them will keep their name.
One of the more interesting names is that of Tennessee backup quarterback Jim Bob Cooter. Jim Bob says he took that name because he's a big fan of that "Dukes of Hazard" show. I guess he was excited that O.J. Simpson's daughter Jessica was getting a role in the show, because I have no doubt that Jessica has the best cooter of them all.