2004 Week 5
October 6, 2004
This was another exciting week in college football.
First off, I was impressed by Northwestern State's shocking win over Ohio State.
I've said for years that those big name state schools have to be careful when playing those directional schools. This was especially true because the Buckeyes were on the road, playing in NWLA's swampy stadium by that smelly lake.
In other directional school news, NELA knocked off International Florida University. I called the ESPN studio to let them know that IFU had lost. My good friend Mike Tirico said "IFU? Only if Boomer can't make it over."
Another big game was Purdue's first win at Notre Dame since the Humphrey Administration. It was pretty exciting to see Purdue put on such a great performance in the "cradle of quarterbacks", the legendary home of signal-caller stars like Newt Rockne, Joe Montana, Blair Kiel, Ron Powlus, and Tom Brady's kid brother Quinn.
Virginia Tech really took it to cross-state ACC rival Western Virginia. It was a bitter loss for the Morgantown Mountain Men as the game was dominated from the opening kickoff by the Cavs.
LSU got blown out at Georgia. I've always said that LSU is like Dracula, they curl up into a fetal position and melt during the day. LSU's Angel of Darkness Nick Satan just can't handle the sunshine.
NFL-Europe had an exciting victory, when the pride of Paris, La Tech, knocked off FSU. Bobby's got to stop scheduling these pro teams, they're taking a bite out of his record.
Speaking of FSU, last week I told you how I'd uncovered evidence that my good friend Lee Corso never played football at Florida State University. I had two eyewitness accounts from "Robert" and "Bert", and Bert faxed me a copy of FSU's roster, with lots of women's names but no Lee Corso.
Turns out FSU was still a women's school back then and Bert was among several male ringers brought in to help the team, but Lee Corso was not one of the ringers on the roster.
So yesterday I went live on ESPNNews with my report and that's when the controversy started.
The first thing that happened was that Coach Corso came racing out onto the set insisting that he did too play football at FSU.
This would have been fine, except he had raced out of the dressing room. He was wearing one of his little black dresses with the shoulder pads, and apparently when he's in that outfit he doesn't wear any underwear. There's nothing quite like an angry Lee Corso jumping up and down with his privates bobbing as he springs around.
Due to that incident, ESPNNews has now been taken off the air by cable companies in seven major markets.
Secondly, after I finished the report and went home, I got some phone calls from reporters asking some follow-up questions.
Turns out that some of these 130-pound computer dorks started checking out the faxed roster that I got from former FSU player Bert. They compared it to some other information and claimed that it wasn't a football roster, but rather a cast list for a movie called "Smokey and the Bandit 4: Carrie's Menopausal Ass Gets Huge".
So now there's a big controversy, with all these pencil-necked geeks insisting that Lee Corso could have played football at FSU after all and how Bert probably made this all up just to get back at Lee for stealing his wardrobe, especially the Dior dresses.
Some guy from ESPN insisted that I respond in kind. How I had to go home and create something called a "web log". I told him that I had good hygiene and usually remember to flush.
So I don't know quite what's going on with this story. Coach Corso's pretty ticked at me right now, I'm getting all these late-night phone calls from reporters, and some weirdo from ESPN wants me to share my feces.