2004 Week 6
October 13, 2004
First off, I'd like to congratulate Robert Montgomery Ross for coaching Army to a long-awaited victory and ending their losing streak by beating Cincinnati. Of course I don't know if it really should count considering that they defeated a weak sister like the Bengals.
Coach Ross first became famous by winning part of a national title down in Atlanta with the Bulldogs. Then he went on to the NFL and the San Diego Chargers. The star of that team was monster-sized back Neutron Means, whose bulk reminded people of Frank N. Stein, so the Chargers were also known as the Bolts.
That nickname made for some interesting stories. One time a Charger player met a nice young lady and only later found out that she'd just slipped out of the local asylum. So the local paper headlined "BOLT SCREWS NUT". And the papers still have lots of fun when San Diego plays the Baltimore Colts.
Given that we now have the Bolts and the Colts in the NFL, I was hoping that there would be a football team somewhere called the Dolts. There isn't, but last Saturday, after watching all those missed field goals, stupid penalties, and fumbles inside the five, I'd nominate the University of Syracuse for that nickname.
In the premier non-conference game of the year, the Sooners once again humiliated the pride of the Southwest Conference, Texas. This time the Aggies couldn't even get into the end zone. Running back A. Ryan Peters ran for over 200 yards. I predict he will win three Heisman Trophies and two Tony Awards in the Broadway revival of "Oklahoma!"
The other non-conference humiliation was Texas Tech's 70-10 win over the Nebraska Cornhuskers. I can't say I approve of Tech's decision to run up the score on a helpless Nebraska team. I'm sure that if the shoe was on the other foot Coach Osborn would have kept the score in the 40's.
In other games, Nick Satan's nighttime black magic was working again as LSU knocked off Florida and fireronzook.com. Notre Dame won the annual "Battle for the #2 Pencil" over Stanford. The coaching sabbatical program has been good for both schools, as former Stanford coach Ty Dillingham has led Notre Dame to long streak of sellout crowds, and the loan of Bud E. Stevens to Stanford has worked well for the Cardinals.
When I last discussed matters a week ago, there was still some controversy about whether my good friend Lee Corso had played football at Florida State. I produced an old FSU roster from a man called "Bert" who insisted that Lee Corso was not one of the ringers on the women's team at FSU. Some internet geeks said that the roster was actually the cast list for a movie.
This week I filed a new report for ESPNNews on Coach Corso. I had been watching some old tape, trying to figure out where Lee gets all those tight-fitting size 13 dresses that he wears under his blazers. I noticed these strange bulges that can be seen under Lee's clothing.
So I went on the air and showed the images, then theorized that Coach Corso has a transmitter hidden under his clothes, wired to his earpiece. He claims it's just a hearing aid, but when I talk to him in person and move my lips without saying anything just to mess with him, he doesn't turn up the volume.
My belief is that Lee is getting instructions on what to say on the air from my good friend Dick Vitale. Dick doesn't have much to do when there aren't any basketball games going on, and Lee has frequently referred to my good friend Herb Street as "sweetheart" and "awesome baby". Last week Coach Corso even told Herb that he was a "diaper dandy" and for some reason told Herb he should get a Terrell Owens baby.
After my report aired, Coach Corso got on the air and countered my statements by saying that I was hiding a transmitter in the excess skin in my neck. So I showed up at the studio and challenged Coach Corso to find the transmitter.
After a good hour of searching my folds while using a vacuum cleaner, Lee reported finding the following in my neck: Two old m&m's, several paper clips, an anthill, three pounds of lint, some dried up Johnny Walker Red, and former Purdue quarterback Chris Everett's tennis ball shaped diaphragm. But no transmitter.
So Coach Corso was a good sport and went back on the air and apologized, though he still insists that he played football at FSU.