December 20, 2005

This has been one of the most entertaining college football seasons in my memory. I'd say it ranks right up there with 1953, when Bear Bryant started things off by running 15 A&M guys to death due to exhaustion (setting a record broken only last year by Vince Young).

We've seen the resurgence of traditional powers like Penn State, Notre Dame, and Tulsa.

We have three great candidates for coach of the year: JoePa, Charles White, and that guy at Tulsa.

And now we have the bowel season, with 28 big games.

But it can be boiled down to three big games: Florida State vs. Penn State, Ohio State vs. Notre Dame, and the granddaddy of them all, Fresno State vs. Tulsa.

Here are my thoughts on all the matchups:

Tuesday, December 20: The New Orleans Bowel (La Fayetteville, NC). Arkansas vs. Ole Southern Miss

I know some of these big name Southwest Conference schools have really gone downhill, but I'm shocked to see the Hogs playing in one of these minor fleabag bowels. Not to mention what's happened to Ole Miss. I hope all the brave soldiers at La Fayetteville's Fort Nutz get to attend the game.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Wednesday, December 21: The Vito's Auto Repossession GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Texas vs. Toledo

I don't know what it is about these teams wanting to get a tune-up game in before their big game. The Aggies will plow through the Mud Hens.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Thursday, December 22: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). California vs. BYU

Coach Ted Ford has done a fine job with the Berkeley boys, taking those pencil-necked geeks and turning them into a solid football program.

Meanwhile BYU just keeps plugging along, all the way to Vegas. Just wait until the Moron boys get a gander at some of those showgirls. That's what you could have if you'd get off the Wonder Bread lifestyle, guys, some primo Vegas meat.

Beeno's Pick: Cal

Thursday, December 22: The Poinsettia with Fruitcake Gift Basket Bowel (San Diego, California). Colorado State vs. Navy

Now I have to admire Coach Sunny Lubick and her team for their willingness to take on the Navel Academy at a major base. Navy's another school that has really turned things around, embarrassing Army the past few years in the mascot-stealing wars. They'll need to get a solid grip on that Colorado State golden Ram.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Friday, December 23: The Dallas Schoolbook Suppository Fort Worth Bowel. Houston vs. Kansas

This is something I can't abide. Some low-level bowel game that can't find any college teams, so instead they have two lousy NFL teams matching up. The Oilers have been really horrible this year, so go with my good friend Dick Vermeil's boys.

Beeno's Pick: The Chiefs

Saturday, December 24: The Aspen Tourism Bureau Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Central Florida vs. Nevada

I was thrilled to see George O. Leary do so well at Central Florida after having such a disastrous run at Notre Dame. I'm not big on firing coaches before their contract is up, but the folks in South Bend had no choice: Coach Leary was the only head coach in the storied history of Notre Dame football to go winless.

As for Central Florida's opponent, there hasn't been this much excitement in Nevada since the brothels learned that my good friend Lee Corso had run out of that Niagara stuff.

Beeno's Pick: Central Florida

Monday, December 26: The Kia Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Acorn vs Memphis

I for one am overjoyed at Acorn winning the MAC. 25 years ago, when he first emerged on the scene, I predicted there would be a championship in Coach Faust's future! People thought I was hitting the sauce a bit too much after that first 5-6 season in South Bend, but Gerry's got his boys all the way to 7-5, with a league title, and in a bowel.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Tuesday, December 27: The MC Sporting Goods Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Clemson vs. Colorado

Clemson has the oldest quarterback since Colorado State's Brad Van Pelt in David Whitehurst. I don't know what it is about letting these old NFL guys have another year or two of legibility.

Colorado has its own quarterback problems, as, after that hit by Texas, Joe Klarett is still wobbling more than my good friend Bob Greasy after the '72 Dolphins had their "Colts lose" party on Sunday.

I'd expect Colorado to try to win one to show their great respect for CU's former coach. But then I remembered that it's been over a decade since Bill left and started playing in that rock and roll combo with his wife Linda and daughter Jenny McCartney.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Tuesday, December 27: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Arizona State vs. Rutgers

Rutgers has had a great season this year. It might be their best year in history, and that means going all the way back to the first ever college football game, between Rutgers and Princeton back when I was a kid.

ASU has been up and down all year. They took a big lead on Southern Cal, but just about every team took a lead on USC before USC decided to start trying. At least this time the Horned Devils will be at home, unlike that famous 1978 Garden State Bowel, where they had to play Rutgers at Joe Pisarcik Stadium.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona State

Wednesday, December 28: The Michael Jackson Children's Playhouse Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Boise State vs. Boston College

Maroon uniforms and blue turf are not a good idea. This will be the biggest network football color clash since ABC made us wear orange blazers.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Wednesday, December 28: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Nebraska vs. Michigan

Wow, how the mighty have fallen! Just a few years ago we were talking about the aura of greatness.

But now the formerly prestigious Alamo Bowel has lost its glory and is stuck with two 4-loss middle of the pack teams.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Thursday, December 29: The Cubic Zirconium San Francisco Bowel (San Francisco, California). Georgia Tech vs. Utah

Now the Utes have really put a program together. R Ban Myer left, but Utah just keeps on going. They're kind of like that Energizer Bunny, or maybe like my good friend Keith Jackson, who keeps on appearing on TV and going on and on and on.

Hey, Keith, some of us know when to hang it up. Do you want to end up a public spectacle like Brent? Brent can't even hold his liquor anymore, he's reduced to drinking beer after games.

Beeno's Pick: Georiga Tech

Thursday, December 29: The Billie Holiday Bowel (San Diego, California). Oregon vs. Oklahoma

Oklahoma has fallen off a bit from their great performances of recent years. Thespian Bernadette Peters' son Adrian has been banged up, but he sure came through in the latter half of the season.

The BS system left the Beavers out this year. I'm thinking they're going to be a bit distracted. But I suspect that they'll be led to victory by the comeback player of the year, Ryan Leaf.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Friday, December 30: The Metallica Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Minnesota vs. Virginia

Minnesota has become a Big Ten powerhouse, at least when they're not playing anybody in the league who's any good.

Virginia is pretty similar to the Golden Buffaloes, beating up on all the doormats in the Big East.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Friday, December 30: The Massengill Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Northwestern vs. UCLA

UCLA looked to be pretty solid all year until last week's blowout loss to USC. I bet they'll have images of those Song Girls bouncing and weaving in their heads for years to come. I know I do.

It's been a rough year for Big Ten teams in Indiana, but at least the Wildcats of Evansville have come through with a bowel appearance.

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Friday, December 30: The People's Liberation Army Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). South Carolina vs. Missouri

It's good to see Coach Superior back in the bowel business, going up against this Missouri team. Brad Smith is going to do his best to make his father Coach Larry Smith proud, but the Tiger defense will be easily penetrated by the Cocks.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Friday, December 30: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Miami vs. LSU

This will be an interesting battle for revenge, as LSU tries to defeat the coach who abandoned them, Nick Satan of Miami. My guess is that Nick will reach into his devilish bag of tricks and pull out this evening tilt. As I've always said, LSU is like Dracula, they suck the most at night.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Saturday, December 31: The Continental Tire State Championship Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). South Florida vs. North Carolina State

Now this game made some sense when it was for the State Championship of Virginia, especially playing the game on the Virginia campus in Charlottesville. I fondly recall the first state such Virginia state championship bowel, between host UVA and Western Virginia.

But this year they've didn't even invite any in-state teams to the game, so now we're stuck with a state title game between two outsiders. At least NC State is somewhat close to Virginia. South Florida is way down in the Sunshine State, a brand new program, under longtime coach Howard Schembechler. Look for the more local team to take it.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina State

Saturday, December 31: The Enron Houston Bowel (Houston, Texas). TCU vs. Iowa State

This is a clash of two conferences that have taken it on the chin of late. Look for those Christian boys from Texas to salvage some Southwest Conference pride against the Big Eight.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Saturday, December 31: Marcus Liberty's Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Tulsa vs. Fresno State

Apparently I was mistaken in what I wrote earlier this year--that FSU team that was barnstorming the country, playing great programs like Southern Cal and Oregon, and even flying to France to play La Tech, that wasn't Florida State. I started to get suspicious because Coach Bowden didn't seem to be the type to grow a little goatie. Heck, Bobby doesn't even like barnyard animals, that's why he left the coaching job at Western Virginia.

Tulsa has really turned things around from the days when they were cannon fodder for Oklahoma. Now they'll be cannon fodder for FSU.

Beeno's Pick: Fresno State

Monday, January 2: The Rally's Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Iowa vs. Florida

Here's another matchup that we've seen in various mid-level Florida bowel games over the years. Drew Tate will lead Iowa into battle against the Gators. Apparently Drew was allowed to transfer from the Michigan State Chippewas to help out the Huckeyes, the Big Ten has weird rules like that.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa

Monday, January 2: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Texas Tech vs. Alabama

This is a fascinating coaching battle. You've got Texas Tech and 70's quarterback Rich Leach going against Alabama and Coach Shula. He may be an old-timer, but I've got to go with Don.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Monday, January 2: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). St. Louisville Cardinals vs. Virginia Tech

The baseball bashers are going to try again to win against a major program. I must say that I've been impressed with their record, though I think they might be too worn down from that 162-game schedule to win.

As for the Cavs, they'll be worn out too at the most critical position: I've said for years that the football season is too long, especially the NFL season. That's 16 weeks plus 4 exhibition games. You combine that with an 11-game college schedule, plus a conference title game, that's 32 games. No wonder why Michael Vick has struggled so much.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Monday, January 2: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Wisconsin vs. Auburn

I'd like to salute Barry Alvarez, who will be coaching his final game. He really turned things around up there in Badger country, with his unique training methods, which involved IVs filled with lard as well as fine dinners of roast parrot.

Auburn reacted to their disappointment at finishing #2 last year by playing like #2 most of this year, at least until the famous Iron Bowel cured them.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Monday, January 2: The Greenpeace Fiesta Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Notre Dame vs. Ohio State

Ohio State has done great this year, thanks to wide receiver/return man Ed Gein Junior, the son of that psychic guy that Tony Perkins played in the movies. But the Bucks have more than a famous Wisconsin native, they have a bunch of linebackers who run faster than any other white man this side of Fisher DeBerry.

Meanwhile, Charles White has done a great job getting the Irish back in the BS, or at least that's what those Oregon people are calling it.

Last week I heard the most interesting ironic sidelight of this game: OSU star A J Hawkeye is dating someone from the Notre Dame quarterback's family. I hadn't know that Quinn's famous brother Tom Brady was "that way". I guess he's following in the footsteps of other great quarterbacks like Cordell Stuart, Peyton Chesney, and Terrell Garcia.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame.

Monday, January 2: The Microsoft (TM) Sugar Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Georgia vs. Western Virginia

Here's an interesting contrast: A bunch of inbred hill country hicks with weird beliefs taking on the Mountaineers of the Thomas Jefferson State. Western Virginia has done very well under Alex Rodriguez, but the folks down in Atlanta don't take too kindly to Yankies.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Tuesday, January 3: The Cheetos Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Florida State vs. Penn State

This game has a classic coaching matchup: Two men more suited than any Crimson Tide fan for the Iron Bowel.

Florida State has been up and down all year, playing in the reorganized Big East. Meanwhile, Penn State won the Big Ten for the first time since 1994, or back when JoePa was barely eligible for Social Security.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Wednesday, January 4: The Rose Bowel, presented by the Big 10 Conference (Pasadena, California). Texas vs. USC

So this is the matchup that everyone's been looking forward to since last summer: You've got the pride of Tejas going up against the finest toned young folks from Los Angeles. My pick? The Texas band won't stand a chance against the Song Girls.

As for the football game, we've got two great quarterbacks, two great defenses, and two veteran coaches in that TV psycho Diane Carroll's husband Pete and John Mackovic Brown. This is also a great matchup between two fine conferences.

I hadn't been aware that Texas had joined the Big Ten, but with both leagues' champions undefeated it worked out for the best this year.

Beeno's Pick: Texas