December 16, 2006

This has been a very strange year for me. I know you folks have complained that I've been out of commission, and you've been right.

You may have noticed that this year ABC and ESPN have been taking some of their studio people and sending them out to cover games. This all started when my good friends Lee Corso and Herb Street started doing Thursday night games on ESPN. That experiment ended unfortunately when Coach Corso called Herb "sweetheart" one too many times and Herb punched coach in the ovaries. I believe you college kids call that a "honkey punch".

Believe it or not, I was invited to join one of these studio crews covering a game. They assigned me to do one of the games on one of those extra ESPN channels, ESPN Q. We were covering the big showdown between Sam Houston Institute of Technology and Florida Undergraduate College.

I was to join the crew of Brad Nessler and former Dolphin QB Brian Greasy. At the last minute we had another ESPN guy join us, the same guy who eventually replaced me on the Nessler/Greasy crew.

That would be Paul McGwire. Now I was told that Paul eventually became notorious during some of those November ESPN games, where he was passing gas in the booth and the next week he was moved out of the booth and was sitting on one of those moving cameras next to the field.

Turns out that Paul's got a bit of a problem. Much like his son Mark McGwire, the famous first baseman from the St. Louisville Cardinals, Paul has a serious issue with roids. While I'm an expert on the bowel season, I don't know as much about the other bowels, but apparently Paul's got a bit of a leak.

To make this long story slightly shorter, I was knocked out by Paul's emissions and was in a coma for almost two months. Even now I'm not sure I'm quite all right. Every time I tune in a game on ESPN I have the urge to reach for a gas mask.

But I've spent the last week studying up on the teams, the games, the mascots, and the Song Girls, and I'm ready to provide you my analysis of the bowel season.

Tuesday, December 19: The 0.5% CDs from the San Diego Credit Union with Free Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). TCU vs. Northern Illinois

The biggest problem with the bowel season are all of these brand-new games that nobody's ever heard of before. The games are desperate to find teams and reach out for any pairing they can set up. So it's unfortunate that a storied SWC program like TCU is stuck playing some expansion team from the cornfields.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Thursday, December 21: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Oregon vs. BYU

Now those BYU fans, they show up at the bowel games with a 20-dollar bill and a copy of the Ten Commandments and they don't break either one. Those stone tablets are pretty solid sometimes.

I can remember the olden days at Pitt when Johnny and I would toss back a couple of packs of Keystone, then we'd stumble over to the cemetery. We'd yank out those slabs and smash each other on the head with them, but they'd never break. Our heads that is.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Friday, December 22: The New Orleans Underwater Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Troy vs. Rice

I just don't like this matchup. The Men of Troy don't have time to waste on a scrub team like Rice, they should be getting ready for their Rose Bowel showdown with Michigan.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Saturday, December 23: The Tea and Crumpets Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, England). South Florida vs. East Carolina

I have spoken before about these college expansion teams. Someone goes out and wants to start a new football program so they end up building a college and creating new states, like East Carolina and South Florida.

They need to put a stop to this trend before someone splits beautiful towns like Morgantown and Charleston off from the rest of Virginia and adds on to the 48 very fine states we already have.

Beeno's Pick: East Carolina

Saturday, December 23: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Nuevo Mexico vs. Stan Jose State

It's bad enough that we have Canadian schools like Yukon in the Big East Conference. Now we've got two schools from Mexico playing each other in a bowel game that's being played outside the USA.

I asked my good friend Mike Tirico what he thought about "playing South of the Border". He said "I can't do that anymore now that Erin Andrews has that personal protection order out".

I don't understand Mike at times.

Beeno's Pick: Nuevo Mexico

Saturday, December 23: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Utah vs. Tulsa

I'm a bit confused as to why they have an Armed Forces Bowel but don't invite the winner of the Armed Forces trophy to play. The excitement of this game would have been greatly increased by the presence of Notre Dame.

As for the game, look for Utah to survive Tulsa's Golden Shower.

Beeno's Pick: Utah

Sunday, December 24: The Oshkosh, Wisconsin Chamber of Commerce Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Hawaii vs. Arizona State

A bowel game should not seek out a matchup of two teams from the same league, the WAC. Hawaii's always great with the traditional island hospitality for their guests. So I'm guessing ASU's players will enjoy being tied down with stakes and being gnawed by red ants.

Beeno's Pick: Hawaii

Tuesday, December 26: The Fiat Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Middle Tennessee State vs Seamen U

I wasn't aware that the wealthy barons in central Tennessee had fallen on hard times and converted Vanderbilt into a public school. Good luck to the Fighting Commodes as they take on the Midshipmen of Seamen U.

Beeno's Pick: Seamen U

Wednesday, December 27: The Cubic Zirconium Emerald Bowel (San Francisco, California). UCLA vs. Florida State

My good friend Brent Musburger will probably be looking forward to covering this game just so he can continue his habit of dragging out the surname of FSU wide receiver DeCody Fagg.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Wednesday, December 27: The Citgo Independence Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Oklahoma State vs. Alabama

All I can say about this battle of 6-6 teams is that I haven't seen this many boxcars since my previous career working as a greeter at the Kansas City stockyards.

It's apparently the end of the line for Coach Shula at Alabama. I'll always fondly remember his many famous wins with the Tide and before that with the Dolphins.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Thursday, December 28: The Dallas Schoolbook Suppository Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Rutgers vs. Kansas City State

Rutgers is another of the great stories of the year. They've gone from an also-ran to one of the favorites for that great Eastern honor, the Jack Lambert Trophy. The key to their success was meeting the primary Lambert criteria by yanking out most of their players' teeth.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Thursday, December 28: The Billie Holiday Bowel (San Diego, California). California vs. Texas A&M

You'll recall the controversy a couple years ago when Cal got snubbed for a Rose Bowel berth in favor of the Texas Aggies. At least they'll be able to get some revenge this time around against the Longhorns.

Beeno's Pick: California

Friday, December 29: The Dr. Dre Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Clemson vs. Kentucky

This one should be quite a battle. You've got the backwards moonshine boys with strange habits and traditions going up against the guys from Lexington.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Friday, December 29: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Oregon State vs. Missouri

I'm sure everyone is looking forward to the pre-bowel promotional events, such as going to see all the Beavers in Juarez.

As for the game, I suspect the Tigers are still a bit worn out after their long tough Big Eight campaign.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Friday, December 29: Marcus Liberty's Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Houston vs. South Carolina

Houston's another nice story, they have this quarterback Ty Cobb the Third who can run, pass, and kick the crap out of any hecklers. Visor Boy, who apparently is going to try to coach every team in the SEC before he's through, has erected another winner with the Cocks.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Friday, December 29: The Tucson Tourism Bureau Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Texas Tech vs. Minnesota

The Minnesota Golden Buffaloes have become a pretty decent program, which hasn't been the case since about the 1930's. Congratulations to Coach Whacker.

Texas Tech is another program where the coaching has led to some consistency, thanks in large part, ironically enough, to Big Ten legend Bob Knight.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Friday, December 29: The Dick's Sporting Goods Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Maryland vs. Purdue

Now here's another one of my pet peeves. On December 29th it's Maryland vs. Purdue and on January 1st it's Wisconsin vs. Arkansas. You've got two bowel games in the same stadium and each game is going to be lucky to draw 15,000 fans. So why not have a twin bill?

I was talking to my good friend Chris Berman and asked him what he thought of a doubleheader. He said something about Fred Smoot and leather. I don't understand Chris at times.

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Saturday, December 30: The Meinecke State Championship Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). Navy vs. Boston College

Both of these programs have really turned it around. Just a few years ago Navy had sunk to new lows, they were in the depths, it didn't look like they'd surface. And BC dropped football for a few years after the glory days with Gordie Lockbaum, but now they're back.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Saturday, December 30: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Texas vs. Iowa

It's great to see the Huckeyes heading back to play Texas again, I'm sure that fills Coach Fry with great memories of when he'd take his SMU teams to Austin and lose 62-3.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Saturday, December 30: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Virginia Tech vs. Georgia

Last year Georgia got to play a bowel game in the friendly confines of Atlanta against a team from the Thomas Jefferson state, and they got waxed by Western Virginia. They'll try it again this year and should have a little better luck against Coach Beaner's boys.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Sunday, December 31: The Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Nevada vs. Miami

Now I want to offer up a warning to all you fans planning to tune in this game: I hear that Miami is planning to wear their green and orange uniforms on the Boise bluegrass field just so you walk over to your TV and screw with the tint knob. Be very careful, or else later on that night you'll be watching "Disparate Housewifes" and that Terry Hatcher girl's skin will look peach instead of its normal orangeish hue.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Monday, January 1: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Auburn vs. Nebraska

These schools changing leagues are a bit confusing. I'm guessing that Nebraska must have joined the Southwest Conference and won the automatic bid to Dallas. Or maybe it was Auburn. I was going to call up the pride of SMU, the Pony, to find out, but haven't heard from him in a few years. Has anyone seen the Pony?

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Monday, January 1: The Rally's Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Penn State vs. Tennessee

This will be a clash of two big-time programs, with rabid fan support, large stadiums, and two giant coaches.

JoePa is a giant because of his many wins, his ability to take a hit, and his speed in the 40-yard dash to the locker room toilet.

Coach Fulmer is a giant too. Hey, Phil, lose some weight. I can't stand it when someone goes on TV looking all bloated like that, it's embarrassing.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Monday, January 1: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Georgia Tech vs. Western Virginia

The Mountain Men from Western Virginia had an exciting overtime win over Rutgers to close out the regular season.

Now I'm still a bit confused about these overtime rules.

Western Virginia scored first, but the game didn't end, so that meant it wasn't one of those sudden death overtimes. Then after the second overtime was over, Western Virginia got the ball again and got to go twice and scored two four-point TDs for an 8-point lead. And then Rutgers scored but it wasn't enough and Western Virginia was given the game.

Why can't they just line it up and play until one team scores once and the other team doesn't score, that's what I want to know.

As for this game, I think the Mountain Men will handle the Bulldogs. My good friend Lee Corso disagrees. He says any team like Georgia Tech with two Johnsons and a Ball is his kind of team.

I don't understand Lee at times.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Monday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Wisconsin vs. Arkansas

I always look forward to watching the Hogs play. Arkansas will be there too.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Monday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by the Church of Scientology (Pasadena, California). Southern Cal vs. Michigan

The Wolverines are upset about not being invited to the BS Title Game. Trust me, Floyd Carr, I got invited to that game a year ago and they made me sit in the third to last row in a seat designed for a man who weighs at least 300 pounds less than I do. It's not that great to be invited to that game, you're better off watching it on TV at home than being in the stands.

USC has been on an amazing run, they had to replace many of their top folks from 2005 and still are among the best. I can't think of many other schools that could lose five Song Girls to the San Fernando Valley movie industry yet still have almost as impressive of a squad.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Monday, January 1: The Greenpeace Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Oklahoma vs. Boys' State

I know that schools have really started to dumb down their schedules, but I'm saddened to see this is also now true in the bowel season. C'mon, Coach Switzer, can't you find a better opponent than a high school team like the Boys' State Vandals? Next thing you know, you'll be seeking out an easier cupcake like the Raiders.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Tuesday, January 2: The Cheetos Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). The St. Louisville Cardinals vs. Wake Forest

The Cardinals have had a great season, including their Big East Championship and their win in the World Series. Wake Forest is one of the great turnaround stories of the season, capped off by that scintillating 9-6 win over Georgia Tech. I'm guessing the Cards will top that score by about the second inning.

Beeno's Pick: The Cardinals

Wednesday, January 3: The Microsoft Sugar (TM) Bowel (New Olreans, Gulf of Mexico). Notre Dame vs. LSU

This will be an interesting matchup, as SC legend Charles White takes the Irish down to the bayou. Ole Nick Satan's final couple classes of recruits are still with the LSU program, so I suspect Notre Dame will bring along a couple of exercise priests too.

I think that Tom Brady's kid brother Quinn has one more great game in him before he heads off to obscurity with the Houston Oilers.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Saturday, January 6: The International Harvester Bowel (Toronto, Ontario). Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan

Now this matchup doesn't make any sense. You have football teams that play an exciting brand of football and now they're going to be stuck playing in Canada. We're talking three downs, 12 guys on the field, more men in motion than the Ziegfried Follies, and a field that's 230 metric yards long.

While Western Michigan has improved their program the last couple of years, I don't know if they're ready for Cincinnati.

Beeno's Pick: The Bengals.

Sunday, January 7: The Vito's Auto Repossession GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Ole Southern Miss vs. Ohio

I have read that the BS Bowel system was expanded this year, but I can't say that I was expecting the GMAC Bowel to be the newest BS game.

I'm also confused why Ole Southern Miss got into the bowel season with such a poor record and why the Buckeyes would risk playing SEC teams two nights in a row.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio

Monday, January 8: The BS Title Game (Glendale, Arizona). Florida vs. Ohio State

Here's the showdown to end all other showdowns. You've got two famous coaches in Irvin Meyer and Coop. You've got two of the finest college bands in the world in the Ohio State Marching Band and the Ohio State Band Members Who Sit in the Stands While the Other Guys March Band (please, please, may I now get to dot the eye?). You've got two great mascots, Beavis Buckeye and some guy in a crocodile outfit.

The Buckeyes have sliced through their schedule with about as much vigor as Maryland's Coach Fridge shows slicing his Thanksgiving turkey. Florida clinched the SEC with a win over Florida State then a week later beat Southwest Conference champ Arkansas.

Florida is led by the aptly named Chris Leak. Ohio State has Theisman Trophy winner Troy L. Smith, who is hoping to make his Daddy John L. Smith proud. The Buckeyes have another famous offspring in Ed Gein Junior, who can slice his way through any defenders even without his machete.

I'm looking forward to a great ballgame on January 8th. That's when the Clippers play New Orleans. As for the football game, it'll be over at halftime.

Beeno's Pick: The Buckeyes