2009 Week 1
September 10, 2009
Like the rest of you, I'm excited that college football is back.
Many of you wonder where I was this past summer. While I'm always glad to wind down during the off-season, go on a diet, get those nips and tucks taken care of, this off-season veered in a different direction.
In early June my phone rang and it was my good friend Mike Tirico.
He said "hey, Beeno, I just wanted to give you a head's up. There's this major scandal at ESPN with our college football coverage".
I said "okay, Mike, what did you do to Holly Rowe this time?"
"No, Beeno, it wasn't me. I was told that someone stood outside a hotel room peephole and shot a video of one of our employees buck naked. They didn't tell me who it was, but they're getting really nervous over in Bristol".
The next day I get a call from some guy who said "I'm Mike Eiser, from Disney". I told him I was a big fan of Elmer Fudd but couldn't stand that stupid skunk Pepe Pearson.
He then told me that things had gotten too hot, how they were going to have me lay low for a while. I noted that while it might sound nice for me to lay low, I wasn't exactly in condition to do the Limbo. He said "we'll get back to you when it's okay for you to go on the radio with us again. And don't even think about going on TV".
The next day I start getting phone calls from old friends, asking if I was all right. I said "I don't feel a day over 80, well, except for my goiter, liver, and bowel". Each of them said "we were just concerned due to the pictures, just wondering if you're all there". Since my last diet had failed, I said "I'm all there and then some".
Finally I received this manila envelope and inside were some snapshots apparently shot through a hotel peephole. I'm not quite sure why I was in a state of undress, though perhaps I was doing a prostate self-exam.
In any event, apparently these pictures are all over the Internets and I'm now famous all over the world, including in 53 countries which have never even heard of college football.
The biggest game of the week was played in Dallas. Now I've noted in the past that this BS system really confuses things. A few years ago they announced the BS rankings in October and Nebraska and Oklahoma were #1 and #2. Then they had them play that week, Nebraska won, and were declared BS national champions, even though there were about eight weeks left in the season.
So this year they had Bring'em Young play Oklahoma for the title. I can't stand that brand new stadium, I much preferred the old Cotton Bowel with no roof, a hand-operated scoreboard, cold air, and quarterbacks like Joe Montana slinging the ball around. Instead this time we had a roof, a scoreboard almost as big as my good friend Chris Berman's hairpiece, hot air, and a quarterback in a sling. BYU won, so congratulations to the BS national champion Utes.
I was asked by some of you about what I thought about the fisticuffs at the end of the Oregon vs. Boys' State game. I haven't seen an Oregon Beaver deliver a blow like that since Ginger Rogers.
In other action, the Big Ten had some interesting games. MSU apparently had an intra-squad scrimmage, beating themselves. Michigan beat bitter cross-state rival West Michigan, but I was told that they broke the rules and played an extra 30 minutes to run up the score.
Ohio State had a pillowbiter against the Navy Seamen. Now I'm still a bit confused about these overtime rules. Navy had their shot at scoring, from the three yard line, but a Buckeye intercepted and ran it back for a touchdown. That should have ended the game in sudden death, but instead Ohio State got its turn with the ball. They didn't turn the ball over so won the game.
The other great game involving a Big Ten team was played at the Michael Vick Terrier Dome in Syracuse. Minnesota pulled out a win over the Orange Testicles. Syracuse lost the game when Irish legend Ron Powlus' son Greg Powlus threw an interception. I stand by my prediction that Greg Powlus will win two Heismans and the award for the college football player with the best career in adult cinema, the Wooden Award.