2009 Week 7
October 21, 2009
I'd like to clear up something you may have heard me say on ESPN radio yesterday.
I was being interviewed by my good friend Carl Coward. I discussed some of my recent health problems. I was just getting ready to launch into a demonstration of how bile can cause foul smelling eructation when Carl interrupted me: "Beeno, if you have stomach problems, shouldn't you just start off the day with a shot of Bacardi?"
I was about to respond when they interrupted their regular programming for an ESPN bulletin regarding where Brett Favre was going for lunch. So I never got to explain to Carl and the audience that shots of alcohol are a really inefficient way of managing pain.
For maximum relief you want your painkiller flowing through you at a steady pace. Many doctors recommend that people use an opiate IV. But I've found that you can get just as much relief with a vodka suppository. The only trick is figuring out which skin fold is the right one.
It was great to see some intersectional rivalries spice up a mid-October Saturday. Too many teams are focused on conference play and never venture outside their league after October 1st.
The most famous of these rivalries, of course, is Southern Cal vs. Notre Dame. The two teams put on another fine show on Saturday, but Irish coach Charles White remains winless against his alma mater.
Oklahoma and Texas had their annual non-conference showdown in Dallas. In another showdown with the Big Eight, Texas Tech lacerated Nebraska. Penn State hosted a Big Ten team, the Minnesota Golden Gophers.
Not all the games were non-conference tilts. Colorado upset Kansas. Purdue pulled a shocker against Ohio State. The Buckeyes have a problem at quarterback due to the struggles of Terrell Davis' son Prior. And Michigan, having moved down to 1-AA so they can compete better, had an easy win over Delaware.
The other great game of the day saw defending BS champion Florida score late to knock off Southwest Conference powerhouse R Kansas.
Now I'm still a bit confused about these overtime rules. I had thought, due to wind, weather, and crowd noise, that the teams each had to go toward the same end zone when they played in overtime. R Kansas went first and tried a field goal from the left end of the field, but missed it. Then Florida kicked a field goal to win the game, except they did it on the other side of the field. That hardly seems fair.
Well, I'm off to Connecticut for a couple days. Apparently ESPN is having some problems with overactive libidos among their staff. They want me to show up and lecture them about proper behavior. And they even gave me an official ESPN thong to wear while speaking. They said my appearance would be more effective than saltpeter. So talk to you next week.