December 16, 2009

Like the rest of you, I really enjoy the holiday season.

You've got the initial bite of winter, the wonderful decorations, the full shopping malls, and the celebrations.

Of course most people celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or even the winter solstice.

I'm kind of lucky though, because I have some birthdays to celebrate as well. My "regular" birthday is in September, but the birthdays of my new hip and liver #3 are in December.

So I'll be celebrating the first anniversary of my newest body parts by giving them a good workout. I'll be practicing kick-boxing while getting nourishment through a Stoli IV. I've already promised my neighbors that I won't do so while wearing teri-cloth shorts.

Okay, technically speaking it really wasn't a promise by me, it was a pledge that the police forced me to sign.

As for the post-season, I can't wait until we get all the bowel action underway. Here are my predictions:

Saturday, December 19: The Ron Mexico Electrocuted Dog's Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). FSU vs. Wyoming

I feel badly for the guys at Wyoming. They've not made too many bowel trips over the years. And now they're going to be overshadowed by FSU and the Bobby Bowden retirement tour.

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Saturday, December 19: The MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Rutgers vs. Central Florida

Now I'm not quite sure while they're flying these teams to some Commie country for a football game. At least coaches Schiano and O'Leary get to play in a fine Catholic city like St. Petersburg.

Beeno's Pick: Rutgers

Sunday, December 20: The New Orleans Underwater Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Ole Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State

At first I thought this was another attempt by two SEC schools to sneak in an extra game. But my good friend Lee Corso informs me that Ole Southern Miss is not the University of Mississippi and MTSU is not the University of Tennessee. Apparently they have more colleges in the Deep South than I had thought. I guess that's a sign that the literacy rate down there has climbed well over 10%.

As for the game, Coach Corso tells me that I should keep an eye on USM's star RB. He said Damien Felcher could make your head spin but leave you with a smile on your face.

I still don't understand Lee at times.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Tuesday, December 22: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Oregon State vs. BYU

Oregon State comes in disappointed after their loss to their archrival. But the Ducks had better be ready for the Stormin' Mormons.

This is the 5th straight visit to Vegas for BYU. In order to protest the lack of business, the hookers are on strike.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Wednesday, December 23: The 1993 Fruitcake with Dying Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). UTAH vs. California

The University of Texas at Houston has been dominant in bowel games in recent years. UTAH has won under R Ban Meyer and under current coach Ty Willingham (not to be confused with former Notre Dame, Washington, and Stanford coach Ty Dillingham).

Cal has also emerged under long-time head coach Ted Ford. This should be a matchup of two fine teams, but I have to give the edge to Cal thanks to their star running back Travis Best.

Beeno's Pick: Cal

Thursday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Southern Methodist vs. Nevada

This game presents an interesting homecoming for SMU, as they hired their coach away from Hawaii. Jim Jones has resuscitated the Mustangs after they suffered the death penalty. I guess that Kool-Aid is good for something after all.

Nevada has emerged from the shadow of cross-state rival Nevada-Las Vegas and I think they're the favorite here.

By the way, has anyone seen the Pony?

Beeno's Pick: Nevada

Saturday, December 26: Mike Piazza's Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Marshall vs. Ohio

It's nice that Detroit, in spite of its economic problems, can host major sporting events like the basketball championships and Wrasslemania. This tradition will continue on the day after Christmas as the Motor City plays host to the MAC title game.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio

Saturday, December 26: The Tuffy Meinecke Car Care Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). North Carolina vs. Pittsburgh

This is one of the more fascinating coaching matchups, as my Panthers led by Dave Wannstedt will take on the Tar Heels, coached by Butch Davis. Both men cut their teeth coaching together under that pork-faced Satan, Jimmie Johnson. Jimmie of course now puts his helmet hair under a visor and drives for NASACAR, but his disciples are still in college football.

Pitt's turnaround has been quite impressive, I haven't seen anything like it since the days of Johnny Majors. Well, during Johnny's first go-around at Pitt. We don't like to talk about his second coaching stint. It's kind of like talking about my second liver, I just like to skip right over to talking about the third one.

Beeno's Pick: Pittsburgh

Saturday, December 26: The Cubic Zirconium Emerald Bowel (San Francisco, California). Boston College vs. USC

Boston College will be making a long trip to the City by the Bay. They've certainly done well in the Big East in spite of coaching changes and having dropped the program for a few years.

Southern Cal has had a really disappointing season. And I for one don't understand the reasoning behind their post-season appearance. Song Girls in San Francisco? What's the point?

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Sunday, December 27: The Dr Dre Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Clemson vs. Kentucky

Everyone expected Clemson to fire their coach this season, but the team kept on winning. My good friend Mike Tirico can't stop talking about BJ Spiller. He also says that Clemson has a good running back.

Kentucky takes no back seat in the running game either. They line up and punch the other team right in the face, thanks to their running back, former boxer Randall "Tex" Cobb.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Monday, December 28: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Texas A&M vs. Georgia

This is an unusually attractive Boxcar Bowel matchup as Georgia only has 5 losses. Karma dictates that they will get their 6th loss vs the Horns.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Tuesday, December 29: The Tim Geithner EagleBank Bowel (Washington, DC). Temple vs. UCLA

Now Temple vs. UCLA in Washington DC sounds like an ideal basketball matchup. Maybe UCLA could have an honorary coach there--John Wooden. He's got to be about as spry as me, he's only a couple years older than I am. And Temple could bring their crazy old coach Lon Chaney. Or his son Dick.

Speaking of basketball, I was talking to my good friend Dick Vitale the other day. Since his two girls were athletes at Notre Dame, I asked him what he thought about the Irish hiring famed wrapper B Kelly.

He said, "Beeno, my girls were so excited that they made a video tribute to B Kelly that they wanted me to see. I figured it would be awesome, baby. But you wouldn't believe what they were doing with their tennis rackets. And the liquids, it was so awful that I tried to call a T.O. I was so disgusted that I covered my eye."

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Tuesday, December 29: The Capital One Bowel Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Miami vs. Wisconsin

Once again the Badgers will line up for a Cheese vs Sleaze matchup, this time against the Canes.

It's good that these games have sponsors. But I had a bad experience at Champs Sports. I went out there to buy a Penn State Snuggie. They had this really special one with JoePa's face all over it. So I took it home and tried it out. The second I rolled over I let loose a little gas and it ripped a hole in the fabric and, not only that, the thing caught on fire. I yanked it off but had some first degree burns on my legs. They should have warned me that it was treated with a compound that catches fire when exposed to ethanol-laced gas.

So you've got a choice, Snuggies or bourbon. I know which way I lean.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Wednesday, December 30: The Charlie Manson Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Idaho vs. Boweling Green

It's great that teams that haven't gone boweling for a while like BGSU and Idaho get to meet.

You've got to love a team nicknamed the Vandals. I can still remember in my childhood running over to the Lutheran church and scrawling "the Kaiser sucks" all over their doors.

Then Pastor Lex Luther came out of the church and nailed me in the head with a Kryptonite rock. That knocked me out and I got arrested.

But I can still drink more than a locomotive.

Beeno's Pick: Boweling Green

Wednesday, December 30: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Nebraska vs. Arizona

Arizona has done a nice job. But I'm not so sure their quarterback Brian Foles is ready for what faces him, Nebraska star Ndamukong Suh. I haven't seen a Viet who could slice through the line like that since General Giap.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Thursday, December 31: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Houston vs. Air Force

This is a rematch of last year's bowel game. In fact it's a rematch of last year's regular season game as well. These teams play about as often as the Yankees and Red Sox. And these games are almost five hours long too.

Overall this is a good matchup. Houston has the best pass attack. AFA has the nation's best pass defense. And we all know that Sidewinder missiles can cut through helmets.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Thursday, December 31: The Et Tu Brut Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Oklahoma vs. Stanford

Here is another unusual intersectional matchup. As usual, the city of Juarez helps out with the halftime show, this time starring Long Dong Donkey. I'm sure grizzled coaches Barry Switzer and Jack Harbaugh will flip their wigs at the carnage.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Thursday, December 31: The Dallas Schoolbook Suppository Texas State Championship Game (Houston, Texas). Missouri vs. Navy

I've never really understood the purpose of a schoolbook-sized suppository. Doesn't sound very pleasant. As for the game, I predict Mizzou to gobble the Seamen.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Thursday, December 31: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Minnesota vs. Iowa State

The boys from Ames are back in the bowel picture for the first time since Seneca Wallace. The Gophers continue to make the post-season and I'm sure they're pleased to be taking on a Big Ten foe like the Cyclones.

Speaking of which, while growing up we used to get a few cyclones down on my grandma's farm. We'd have to hide in an underground shelter for a couple hours until the storm passed. My cousin Ingrid would get so nervous that she'd let loose and that usually killed a dog and sent Grandma to the hospital for a few days. Of course I'd always get blamed, just because I was the one who had invented Beano. Innovators are never properly recognized.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Thursday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee

It's good to see Tennessee back in the bowel picture. And I'm glad that the famous Monte Kiffin will be on the sidelines for the Volunteers. I really enjoyed him on "Let's Make a Newlywed".

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Friday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Northwestern vs. Auburn

This is quite the contrast. Northwestern is a very intellectual school and their quarterback is even named Kafka. Auburn has a long intellectual tradition too, including one student who actually passed algebra the first time around.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Friday, January 1: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Florida State vs. Western Virginia

Well, this is the end of the road for Coach Bowden. It's ironic that his finale will be played in the stadium where he had so many great games vs. his cross-state rival, the FU Gator Bowel. And of course Bobby used to coach Western Virginia. So there will be a lot of emotion out there on the field and a lot of subplots. The emotion should take care of itself. As for the subplots, hopefully Bobby isn't buried in one.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Friday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Penn State vs. LSU

This is quite an interesting coaching matchup. JoePa is always looking at the clock and racing to the bathroom with 3 minutes left in the quarter. And Coach Miles is always giggling hysterically as the clock runs out. I predict the more detached coach will make fewer mistakes and win the game.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Friday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by Extenze (Pasadena, California). Ohio State vs. Oregon

The Bawkeyes are back in Pasadena for only 2nd time in 25 years. I suspect the Pasadena Chamber of Commerce's Disinfectant efforts should have cleaned things up sufficiently over that time. Oregon hasn't been to the Rose Bowel in 15 years themselves. The whole matchup begs the question: How many Buckeye nuts can fit in a Beaver? Not enough.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Friday, January 1: The Brazilian Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Florida vs. Cincinnati

I originally thought this might be a tryout for the Notre Dame coaching job. R Ban Meyer has the rhymes, but not the bladder of B Kelly. But now that Kelly has moved on to South Bend, I think we're just going to have to focus on the football game.

On the field you have to respect the ability of Florida legend Tim Tebow. The question is whether he's ready for a defense like the one brought to the field by the Bengals. I think he is.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Saturday, January 2: The Lou Dobbs International Bowel (Toronto, Ontario). South Florida vs. Northern Illinois

I'm guessing this game is being played in Canada due to the bowel trade embargo on Cuba. Havana's own South Florida Bulls have had a fine season behind BJ Daniels. Northern Illinois has Killed opponents. But the MAC is no match for the many fine international teams in the Big East like Yukon and South Florida.

Beeno's Pick: South Florida

Saturday, January 2: The British Dental Association Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, England). Yukon vs. South Carolina

Here's another international game, with Yukon playing South Carolina in the mother country of England. Normally I would go with the Canucks, but I always suspect Visor Boy has something up his sleeve. Usually it's just a bottle of the good stuff.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Saturday, January 2: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss

I think we can label this the disappointment bowel, as both teams were considered darkhorse BS championship contenders. Speaking of disappointing bowels, I now realize that peppers aren't as enjoyable as they used to be.

As for the game, I think Norm Snead's boy Jevan will get the job done.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Miss

Saturday, January 2: The Dear Leader Kim Jong Il Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). East Carolina vs. R Kansas

This presents an interesting matchup. We'll see my good friend Lou Holts' son Skip going up against Lou's old school, R Kansas. I predict R Kansas quarterback Ryan Mallett will put the hammer down on the expansion state school East Carolina.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas

Saturday, January 2: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Michigan State vs. Texas Tech

I have to say that Michigan State really puts the fight into "Fighting Chippewas". Those ski masks won't cover your helmets, sons. The subtext of this game is interesting too as Tech coach Rick Leach goes up against one of his college archrivals.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Monday, January 4: The Salt River Waterskiing Club Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Texas Christian vs. Boys' State

This is another prime coaching matchup, in this case two coaches whom Notre Dame didn't want. You've also got a matchup in philosophies: great defense vs. great offense. A matchup of players: Church-goers vs. naughty boys. And a matchup of legendary running backs: Doak Walker vs. that guy who proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Christian

Tuesday, January 5: The Beta Carotine Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Iowa vs. Georgia Tech

I suspect South Beach will be overflowing with Iowa fans. And once the beautiful people down there get an eyeful of the Huckeye fans, I suspect many of them will fly off to the Virgin Islands. Speaking of virgins, the Georgia Tech students will probably be working things out with a slide rule, which sounds painful.

Georgia Tech has brought back the triple option to the game. Darrell Royal and Emery Bellard developed the triple option when they implemented the wishbone at Texas in the late 1960s. There was a fourth option to go along with the fullback dive, the tailback pitch, and the quarterback keeper. In the fourth option the quarterback threw the ball as hard as he could at the groin of the middle linebacker. The play was soon outlawed, but famous FSU star Burt Reynolds clearly took good notes.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Tech

Wednesday, January 6: The Vito's Repossession Services GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Troy vs. Seamen U

Seamen U had a great season, but they will now have to take on the Men of Troy. On the other hand, after exposure to the Midshipmen, I suspect the Song Girls will come down with herpes.

Beeno's Pick: Seamen U

Thursday, January 7: The BS Title Game (Pasadena, California). Alabama vs. Texas

This is the matchup we've all been waiting for. The Irish quarterbacks: Greg McElroy vs. Colt McCoy. The game-breakers: Andrew Rison's son Mark Ingram Jr vs. Jordan Shipley. The awards: The Heisman Trophy vs. the Heiman Trophy (awarded to the player whose girlfriend sportswriters most wish they'd deflowered). The bands: A bunch of guys in orange walking around vs. a bunch of guys in red walking around.

I think history holds some lessons. Bama has made numerous trips to Pasadena but Texas has gone more recently. The Tide is considered a solid favorite, but so was USC four years ago. John Mackovic Brown has been viewed by some as overrated, but he's won a lot of games.

And last, but not least, there has never been a case where an undisputed national title was won by Beelzebubb. So I'm going to have to pick against Nick Satan.

Beeno's Pick: Texas