2010 Week 13
November 30, 2010
I was hoping for a fairly restful weekend, and it certainly ended up that way after an enjoyable three days of college football. But things started on a rather unusual note.
I was flying from Pittsburgh to New York for the weekend so I could see some childhood friends at the World War I veterans' home. I had read all sorts of stories about the security procedures in place at the airports, so I made sure to arrive early.
One of those T&A workers directed me toward their new X-ray machine. So I waddled over and tried to slide my way through. But they did a really bad job designing the device, I couldn't fit through it frontways or sideways. I even got stuck for a moment until they pulled out some WD-40 to help me slip out.
The workers were at a loss, then finally I heard one of them say "I'm picking up an extra shift tomorrow, so you have to do the patdown".
So I was directed over to a large room and a T&A worker wearing gloves started to stick his arms all over me. Usually when I get fondled like that it's because my good friend Lee Corso says "hey, Beeno, I think I dropped a cufflink on your suit." And, get this, Coach Corso doesn't even wear cufflinks!
After a couple minutes the worker said he couldn't find anything. But then his supervisor came in and said "we need to do a cavity search". I hate dentists, so I closed my eyes and opened my mouth. Next thing I knew, they were saying "I think I see something", then I heard two guys behind me. They pulled down my pants and turned on the vacuum cleaner.
All I can say is that it was very unpleasant. Afterwards they said they found some things but none of them were threatening, so they sent me on my way. They put the items they vacuumed out in a baggie for me, they had sucked out a little airline bottle of Johnny Walker Red, a box of Chiclets (I was pleased to learn that the gum still had its flavor), and a program from the 1978 Pitt vs Syracuse game.
Things got better after that and I had a great time watching the weekend's games. The biggest upset of the weekend was UNLV's win over Boys' State. I'm still a bit confused about these overtime rules. Boys' State got to try a field goal and missed it, then for some reason they were given another FG chance and missed it too. Then UNLV got its chance and made it to win the game.
The biggest game of the weekend was the Iron Bowel matchup at Jordan-Denny Stadium. Alabama roared out to a huge lead, then Auburn fought back to pull out an unbelievable 28-27 win, keeping their BS hopes alive. I understand Bear Bryant's corpse was spinning as was Nick Satan's head. What can I say about Auburn quarterback Cam Newton? I must apologize for incorrectly stating that he is a descendent of famed scientist Sir Isaac Newton. Cam is actually the son of beloved singer Juice Newton.
Things didn't go too well for my alma mater, as Western Virginia pounded my Panthers in the Backdoor Brawl. WVU is one of the favorites for the Jack Lambert Trophy, which rewards the Eastern team with the fewest teeth. Strangely, among the other Lambert Trophy contenders is Yukon. I had thought Canada had better dental care.
LSU needed only a win to advance to the Sugar Bowel, but they were upset by R Kansas. Regular Kansas got blown out by new Big Ten member Missouri.
Among the rest of the Big Ten, it was rivalry week. Indiana upended Purdue to claim the Old Oaken Bucket. Minnesota stunned Iowa and won a year's worth of farming services from Floyd Rosedale. The Michigan State Fighting Chippewas went to State College Station to play Penn State and returned with "The Hugh Grant Trophy". Wisconsin pummeled Northwestern and walked off with "The Golden Bong". And Ohio State trounced Michigan to deny the Wolverines "Jim Harbaugh's Cell Phone Number".
The action didn't stop on Saturday afternoon. Notre Dame upended USC for the first time in almost a decade. Watching the game, I have to say that the acidic downpour on the Song Girls made me think of a B Kelly video.
Next week I'll give you my reflections on the conference championship games, then I'll be hard at work on Beeno's 2010 Bowel Preview.