2010 Week 6
October 13, 2010
I had a fine day last Saturday. Got out the mini-fridge, leaned back in my recliner, drank beer and watched college football, and I didn't even get out of the chair for 12 hours. I highly recommend Depends undergarments for football season, they save a lot of needless walking back and forth to the john.
Probably the wildest finish last weekend occurred at Florida Field. LSU won the game in regulation after the absolute worst field goal snap I've ever seen was picked up by the kicker and run for a first down. The center managed to bounce it well to the starboard side of the field. I haven't seen a snapper that wild and off to the right since Madame Chiang Kai-Shek.
Another exciting last-minute finish occurred in the Bay Area. USC scored then Stanford drove the field and kicked a field goal to knock off Southern Cal 37-35. This occurred one week after USC scored then Washington drove the field to kick a field goal to beat off the Trojans. While I'm no supporter of breaking the rules, I don't know if it's fair for the probation officials at the NCAA to give USC opponents one final possession if USC takes the lead late in the game. I'm sure coach Monte Kiffen is pretty peeved at athletic director Pat Hayden Fry for not fighting against this provision.
The Big Ten had their trophy week, honoring that legend of the woods and his colorful ox Babe. The Michigan State Fighting Chippewas beat rival Michigan to take home the Paul Bunyan Trophy. Wisconsin defeated Minnesota and triumphantly raised and kissed Paul Bunyan's Ass. Ohio State pounded Indiana and walked off with Paul Bunyan's Chaw. Illinois went up to Happy Valley and stole Paul Bunyan's Colostomy Bag from JoePa. And Purdue upset Northwestern in the battle of the engineering nerds and got Babe's Blueballs.
I was a bit surprised to see the scores going by on the crawl on Saturday and learning that the Cincinnati Bengals had pounded the Dolphins 45-3. It's already bad enough that the NFL encroaches on our Thursday night college football games and nauseates us during our Thanksgiving dinner with Detroit Lions games.
While I don't waste too much time on pro football, I heard from some of you asking me about former Ole Southern Miss quarterback Brett Favre and his standing in the NFL. Apparently Brett has had a two-decade career in the pro ranks as a backup. He was recently photographed on the sidelines holding a clipboard and a small scaly bratwurst.
I asked my good friend Mike Tirico about the Brett Favre situation. Mike said that Brett was getting older and was having trouble completing passes and how Brett should get special medication to help him perform better.
I said "Mike, that's what I don't like about the NFL, they let players get away with using performance enhancing substances".
Mike said "Beeno, everyone uses performance enhancers these days. Even Jimmy Johnson is all over the airwaves talking about how this drug ex-tends helps him give it his all and then some. How he's lately made some of his most successful passes ever, to the tightest of tight ends".
I have to say that I'm shocked that the NFL would let someone like the Pork-Faced Satan play quarterback.
And so I think I'll just continue to stick to college football. Just as college football sticks to me.