December 15, 2010

So we're finally hitting the Christmas season and I paid a visit to ESPN the other day.

I stopped by the set and talked to my good friends Chris Fowler, Mark May, and Lou Holtz. They were setting up the Christmas tree on the ESPN college football set.

I offered to help and they had me stand behind the 12-foot tree as we surrounded the tree and lifted it up. We had the tree almost upright, with Mark and Chris on the sides and Coach Holtz in the front.

Just about then the chili I had for lunch started to have a little conflict with my stomach and I felt even more bloated than usual. Suddenly this rush of gas came flying up my esophagus and I unfortunately eructated quite loudly, for several seconds. The force of the belch propelled the tree forward and it tipped over. The tree crashed down on the other side of me, right on top of Lou, who banged his head on the floor.

Lou looked a bit shook up but everything seemed to be all right and Lou wobbled over to the set to talk about the day's games.

Once the show started it was clear that Coach wasn't quite okay. While discussing Oklahoma's chances in the Fiesta Bowel, he started singing "Boomer Sooner" while banging his head against the desk. Then he responded to Chris' question about Cam Newton's Heisman chances by standing up, sticking his hand down the back of his pants, and pulling out a small fruit while reciting the nursery rhyme "Jack Horner". Finally he emphasized a point about the Sugar Bowel by jamming his pen into Mark May's hand and impaling it on the desk.

I hope Coach Holtz is enjoying his stay at the treatment facility in New Hampshire. ESPN did help outfit him for his vacation with a beautiful blue and gold straitjacket.

Saturday, December 18: The Nuevo Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). BYU vs. UTEP

We had several years of BYU fans going to Vegas with a $20 bill and a copy of the Ten Commandments and burning out the hotel VCR with the latter. I for one am looking forward to this WAC title game.

Beeno's Pick: BYU

Saturday, December 18: The Dear Leader Kim Jong Il Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Northern Illinois vs. FSU

The Northern Illinois coach, Jerry Kill, is heading to Minnesota. Meanwhile Bobby just keeps rolling along at FSU. I saw the FSU game against regular Illinois and I like the fu manchu look on Coach Bowden.

Beeno's Pick: Northern Illinois

Saturday, December 18: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Ohio vs. Troy

I must say that I like this idea of a warmup game before the major bowel games are played. The Men of Troy better be careful, because Coop will have those Ohio boys ready for payback for all those 1970's USC wins over Beavis Buckeye.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Tuesday, December 21: The Roman Polanski Exile Tour Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Ole Southern Miss vs. St. Louisville Cardinals

I haven't been to Russia since I was a kid. My parents took me on a big tour. We even got to see the czar and this bearded guy who kept asking me if I was bleeding and offering me candy bars.

It's great that we're bringing such exciting American sports action to Mother Russia. I bet Coach Tony L Russo and the St. Louisville Cardinals will do a great job showing off their baseball skills.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville Cardinals

Wednesday, December 22: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). U.T.A.H. vs. Boys' State

I heard from several of you via e-mail, stating that the University of Texas at Houston is located in Salt Lake City. Now I'm in a bit of shock over that news. Everyone knows that Boston University is actually in nearby Chestnut Hill and that Kansas City State is just across the border in Missouri, but Houston is a long ways from Salt Lake City. That's just not very good planning, moving a campus that far.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Thursday, December 23: The 1993 Fruitcake with Dying Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). Navy vs. SDSU

Playing near so many naval bases will give the Academy a huge home field advantage against South Dakota State.

Beeno's Pick: Navy

Friday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Hawaii vs. Tulsa

I was looking over the rosters for these two teams. I'm guessing fans of both schools will hanging out at the nightclubs in the hopes of seeing Shave Beaver.

Beeno's Pick: Hawaii

Sunday, December 26: Mike Piazza's Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Florida International vs. Toledo

Some of the smaller bowels have trouble drawing crowds, so it's always important to have at least one team with a local presence. In this case the good folks in Detroit have invited an in-state team, Toledo. This will help make up for the absent families of the players from that foreign exchange student school, Florida International.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Monday, December 27: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Air Force vs. Georgia Tech

Both of these schools are famous for running the triple option. The triple option was kind of an accident of history. Wallace Wade was coaching at Alabama and he had a young quarterback who kept on fumbling the snap. One day he tripped and the ball came flying out. It was caught in mid-air by football legend Don Hutson, who ran it into the end zone. That was the birth of the pitchout. The quarterback was still pretty erratic so he was moved to wide receiver opposite Hutson and later did a little coaching under the assumed name Paul Bryant. And now you know the rest of the story.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Tuesday, December 28: The Capital One Bowel Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Western Virginia vs. North Carolina State

I've noted that all this conference expansion has created a lot of messy matchups, especially this year. I really don't see the point of having a bowel game between two members of the ACC.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Tuesday, December 28: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Missouri vs. Iowa

Now I don't have as much of a problem with a matchup between two teams that will be seeing each other on a regular basis in the future. So I'm all for a game between these two future Big Eight rivals.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Wednesday, December 29: The People's Liberation Army Militia Bowel (Washington, DC). East Carolina vs. Maryland

Another unfortunate trend of late, to go with league expansion, has been the creation of all these expansion states. You know that I love college football. But you'd think that Congress had more important things to worry about than creating new states just so we can have more college football teams. East Carolina, South Florida, North Dakota, these legislators are just out of control!

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Wednesday, December 29: The San Antonio Spurs Texas State Championship Game (Houston, Texas). Illinois vs. Baylor

I think it's great that Illinois has gotten things turned around under coach Zook. Baylor has done an even more impressive job under coach Teaff. I told my good friend Chris Berman that Baylor was getting into their first bowel since 1994. He said "wow, Beeno, I don't know what I'd do if I'd spent 16 years within getting into a bowel".

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Wednesday, December 29: The Montezuma's Revenge Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Oklahoma State vs. Arizona

I understand that Arizona asked that the stadium will have 6-foot goal posts to help their placekicker. Oklahoma State has had a great turnaround under tempestuous coach Mike Gundy. Hey, Mike, I can identify with you, I'm a man, I'm 90!

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Thursday, December 30: The Blackwater Armed Forces Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Army vs. SMU

It's great that we now have a bowel game dedicated to our armed forces. You have the Black Knights of the Hudson lining up against some Lone Star State militia. I forecast about as much carnage as the last such Feds vs. wacky religious Texans battle in Waco.

Beeno's Pick: Army

Thursday, December 30: George Steinbrenner's Leaking Bowels (New York, New York). Kansas City State vs. Syracuse

It's always great to give people from the simpler backwoods parts of the country the chance to visit the very urbane Bronx and surrounding areas. I'm sure the Syracuse fans will be thrilled with their visit to the ultra-modern State of New York.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Thursday, December 30: The London Philharmonic Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). North Carolina vs. Tennessee

A few decades ago I paid a visit to Nashville. I got a tour of the Grand Ole Opry. I even got to see the Juggs. Then Porter Wagoner kicked me out of Dolly's dressing room. I miss Nashville. And the Juggs.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina

Thursday, December 30: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Nebraska vs. Washington

The only thing worse than having two teams from the same conference play in a bowel game is having a rematch. Nebraska thrashed Washington earlier this year. I haven't seen a Husky get pounded like that since the Michael Vick Home Movie Festival. Now we're going to see it happen all over again.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Friday, December 31: The Tuffy Meinecke Car Care Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). South Florida vs. Clemson

Here we go with another ACC matchup. Now I guess it's okay since they didn't play in the regular season, but that's just because the ACC has about 36 teams these days.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Friday, December 31: The Juarez Chamber of Commerce Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Notre Dame vs. Miami

Anyone wanting to see Catholics vs. Convicts, the Sequel, should probably head across the river to watch the guy dressed up as a priest take a confession from the very naughty Long Dong Donkey. Coach B Kelly will do something very similar to the Canes.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Friday, December 31: The Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Georgia vs. Central Florida

At least these two teams are from different conferences, though I'm not sure why they both haven't joined the ACC like half the other teams in the country. Coach George O. Leery has done a fine job at CFU since his undefeated stint at Notre Dame, but the Bulldogs will take this one.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Friday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). South Carolina vs. Florida State

South Carolina has had a great year and even advanced to the SEC title game. So it's unfortunate that the SEC North champs end up having to play a team from the SEC South, especially when the game is between the hedges at the University of Georgia.

Beeno's Pick: South Carolina

Saturday, January 1: The Stub Hub Ticket City Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Northwestern vs. Texas Tech

I predict this game will feature more non-completed passes than my good friend Mike Tirico at Bristol High School's cheerleading camp. I think Coach Rick Leach will have a few tricks up his sleeve for one of his old Big Ten rivals.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Saturday, January 1: The Tiger Woods Distended by a Golf Club Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Florida vs. Penn State

I think we all knew retirement was inevitable, but I must say that I was shocked by Coach R Ban Meyer's announcement. Heck, he wasn't even born when JoePa became head coach at Penn State. Joe is going to outlast us all, well, all except my new liver. Can't beat those cast iron organs.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Saturday, January 1: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Mississippi State vs. Michigan

I'm guessing that Michigan Coach Dick Rodriguez wasn't expecting to end up in a bowel in Florida. Going to Jacksonville for the bowel press conferences probably saved Dick money at FedEx when he sent his resumes to Gainesville and Miami. Meanwhile Ole Miss State is happy to be playing on New Year's Day for the first time without either Archie Manning or Peyton Manning Junior.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Saturday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Michigan State vs. Alabama

Nick Satan has a challenging matchup against one of his old schools. I still remember him getting in trouble up in East Lansing while coaching the Fighting Chippewas. Nick used his eyes to start a couch fire and caused major damage to Michigan State legend Josh Burningstool.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Saturday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by See Alice (Pasadena, California). Wisconsin vs. Texas Christian

You see all these ads for drugs on TV these days. I thought this See Alice stuff taken if you wanted to have visions, kind of like the LDS we all used at Pitt during the 60's and 1870's. So I read the instructions, then took some and four hours later I had to call my doctor because I felt pretty stiff. He looked me over, gave me a laxative, and the stiffness went away. I also lost 20 pounds.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Saturday, January 1: The Salt River Waterskiing Club Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Oklahoma vs. Yukon

I think it's an absolute travesty that we're allowing Canadian teams to spoil our greatest 12-year-old traditions such as the BS bowels. I will be rooting for Oklahoma to send the Huskies mushing back to the Klondike.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Monday, January 3: The Beta Carotine Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Stanford vs. Virginia Tech

I was talking to my good friend Herb Street and asked who Stan Ford was. He said something about this farm in the Bay Area, so apparently Stan Ford was a farmer whose services rivaled those of Floyd Rosedale, of Minnesota/Iowa fame. As for the game, I think wizened coach Jack Harbaugh has the Cavs right where he wants them.

Beeno's Pick: Stanford

Tuesday, January 4: The Cuba Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Ohio State vs. R Kansas

I think it's great that New Orleans gets to welcome the Buckeyes for the first time in a few years. The fish stock in the Mississippi River has probably recovered from the infusion of chaw the last time around. I just don't get why a bowel in New Orleans, in the midst of SEC country, is being hosted by a school from the Southwest Conference.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio State

Thursday, January 6: The Sean Kemp GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Middle Tennessee State vs. Miami

I give Miami credit, they aren't ducking people, they are taking on the Irish in El Paso and will take on a different team in Mobile. I told my good friend Lee Corso that I was surprised that the Canes weren't playing a third game in Savannah. He told me about some games he used to play while watching Savannah movies. I don't understand Lee at times.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Friday, January 7: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). LSU vs. Texas A&M

Now this is another appropriate upcoming matchup. With all the news about the breakup of the Southwest Conference, it's great that LSU and Texas A&M will get a head start on their new SEC rivalry.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Saturday, January 8: The Compass Bowel (Birmingham, England). Pitt vs. Kentucky

The one thing I hated about elementary school more than anything was taking a little pencil, sticking it in a compass, and drawing all those stupid circles on construction paper. I always ended up poking myself with the pointy thing and bleeding all over the table. So I'm a bit upset that they're celebrating these very dangerous devices by giving them their own bowel game and I'm further upset that my Panthers are part of this game. And, finally, I'm mad that the game's in Europe. My T&A ban and my seasickness will preclude me from taking a plane or boat over.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Sunday, January 9: The Kraft Fight Bulimia Bowel (San Francisco, California). UNLV vs. Boston University

This is a fine comeback matchup between two teams that dropped football in the past. Be sure to watch the halftime runway model puke-off.

Beeno's Pick: UNLV

Monday, January 10: The BS Title Game (Glendale, Arizona). Auburn vs. Oregon

This game has some great matchups. You've got two great coaches in B Kelly's brother C Kelly against one of the Bowdens.

You've got some of the finest boosters in the game -- former major leaguer and Nike spokesman Ray Knight vs. the guy who paid Juice Newton's kid.

There are some wonderful uniforms. Auburn has classic white, blue, and orange. Oregon has uniforms put together by some drunk from under the I-5 overpass in downtown Portland.

Finally you have the teams. Both schools have put up a ton of points, with Auburn making some scintillating comebacks while Oregon has run roughshod over its foes. In the end, as always, I have to go with the Beavers.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon