December 14, 2011

I always look forward to the holiday season. There's lots of family togetherness, plenty to eat and drink, the beautiful lights, egg nog, occasional NBA lockouts, Irish whiskey, and the bowel season.

This year I was invited to be a part of another great holiday tradition, my hometown "Pittsburgh Christmas Parade". I was approached a month ago and told, "Beeno, you've really made Pittsburgh proud and we'd like to involve you in this year's parade".

Now, having watched New York City's Macy's parade since I was a little kid, I've always dreamed of being the grand marshall of such an event, to ride on a limo, with a Song Girl on each arm. So I immediately accepted the offer.

When I arrived I said hello to the guy from the parade organizing committee. Then I was introduced to a man who said "Hi, Beeno, I'm Larry Jackson from Glaxo-Smith-Kline". I try to limit my time around lawyers, especially ones from law firms I've never heard of, so I shook his hand and turned to leave.

Then the parade organizer said "no, Beeno, Mr. Jackson will take you to your float". So I apologized to Mr. Jackson for being abrupt with him and followed him to my float. I asked him if there would be any cheerleaders on the float with me, he said that while there wouldn't be cheerleaders, there would be some young women. At my age beggars can't be choosers, so I was happy.

He then strapped me into my seat on the float, which was a big throne. It was a tight fit and I couldn't move very well. They put a big crown on my head. The parade started and two heavyset women in nursing uniforms appeared on either side of me.

As our float started to move in the parade I started hearing loud whoopie cushion noises from above me. I turned my head and looked up and saw a big sign over my head "The Gas King" and, below that, a great big logo for my product, "Beeno".

So that's how I spent the weekend, being honored by a pharmaceutical company for being the gas king to the tune of deafening whoopie cushion noises. I can't wait until fart season ends and bowel season begins.

Saturday, December 17: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Temple vs. Wyoming

While Wyoming doesn't have many famous graduates, Temple is well known thanks to alumnus Bill Cosby. He used to hang out at Pitt vs Temple games in the press box. He asked if he could draw my picture one time but for some reason gave me dark skin. Then he pulled out a tape recorder and asked me to say "hey hey hey". He was a strange guy.

Beeno's Pick: Temple

Saturday, December 17: The Dan Quayle Humanitarian Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Ohio vs. University of Texas at Houston State

My good friend Lee Corso called me the other day saying he was excited about this bowel game. He said "Beeno, one of the keys to being a success with the ladies is putting a spud in your pants. But I learned the hard way that you have to put it in front."

I really can't figure out Lee at times. Ohio U to lose to the boys from Houston.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H. State

Saturday, December 17: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). SDSU vs. Lafayette

It's unfortunate that some of these minor bowels are so desperate for teams that they're taking D-2 schools. SDSU will send Lafayette back to PA and return to Brookings with the win.

Beeno's Pick: South Dakota State

Tuesday, December 20: The Beef o'Stroganoff Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Florida International vs. Marshall

While I railed on these bowel organizers for putting a game in a frozen wasteland like Toronto, I can't complain about St. Petersburg. There's nothing like Russian food laced with vodka. All Russian food is excellent, as long as it's laced with vodka.

I predicted that Florida International, full of the roughest toughest foreign exchange students you'll ever see, will feel right at home with their spetsnatz pals in Mother Russia.

Beeno's Pick: Florida International

Wednesday, December 21: The 1993 Fruitcake with Dying Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). Texas Christian vs. La Tech

Having TCU here is a good move. Well-mannered Christian boys from Texas should be nicer to the Frenchmen than the usual Texas football players. There will probably be only half a dozen closed head injuries this time. Hey, La Tech, try using helmets instead of berets.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Christian

Thursday, December 22: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Arizona State vs. Boys' State

Boys' State has been a powerhouse in recent years and they're probably going to be too much for the Sun Devils. I'm just glad that ASU didn't hire Jim Jones as their coach. It would not be good to have a halftime show featuring the Kool-aid pitcher running through the stands poisoning fans.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Saturday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Nevada vs. Ole Southern Miss

I have to like the chances of an SEC team, even in a foreign country like Hawaii, against a smaller conference school. The regular Rebels will send the Runnin' Rebels back to Vegas.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Monday, December 26: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Missouri vs. North Carolina

This bowel game is misnamed for once, as neither team is 6-6. It will be a great appetizer for next year's league schedule as new SEC members Mizzou and UNC face off.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Tuesday, December 27: Mike Piazza's Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Western Michigan vs. Purdue

There's nothing quite like a trip to a bowel game, even if it's two teams taking bus rides to downtown Detroit. Purdue has had an up and down season, but they'll have too much firepower for Western Michigan.

Beeno's Pick: Purdue

Tuesday, December 27: The Macy's Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). St. Louisville Cardinals vs. North Carolina State

Now it is fine that some bowel games decide to feature state championship games rather than regular bowel games. But I'm confused as to why NC State and a team from Missouri are meeting for the Virginia state title. The Cardinals to club their way to victory.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville Cardinals

Wednesday, December 28: The People's Liberation Army Militia Bowel (Washington, DC). Toledo vs. Air Force

A matchup of the Mud Rockets vs. the Air Force, now this is a military bowel game we can all get behind. The AFA will gun down the ICBMs.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Wednesday, December 28: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). California vs. Texas

I was watching Texas play last week and noticed that Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley must have taken advantage of one more year of eligibility. Meanwhile Cal fans are hoping that coach Ted Ford has run out of eligibility, or at least his contract extension. As for the game, hippies don't do well against Aggie cadets.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Thursday, December 29: The Capital One Bowel Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Florida State vs. Notre Dame

This game features two storied programs trying to rebuild under new coaches. Jim Bob Fisher has the finest name for a football man since Joe Bob Cooter. He'll take on noted rapper B Kelly, who will deliver a shower more golden than the ND helmets.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Thursday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Washington vs. Baylor

I'm guessing the bowel organizers aren't happy with this matchup. The whole idea of a bunch of Babtists driving a couple hours to a bowel game isn't a money maker. They'll probably skip the River Walk, the cheapskates will just go to that big San Antonio Taco Bell instead.

Robert Griffin the 3rd is one of the most exciting players named Robert Griffin ever. This will be a battle of no defense. The first team to 60 wins--the first half, that is.

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Friday, December 30: The Vladimir Putin Armed Forces Bowel (Dallas, Texas). BYU vs. Tulsa

I wasn't aware that either of these teams had an army. The Tulsa militia will be outgunned by the fighting Morons of Bring 'Em Young.

Beeno's Pick: BYU

Friday, December 30: John Gotti's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Rutgers vs. Iowa State

There's been a lot of Mafia TV shows and movies over the past couple decades. They're always looking for big intimidating men for those shows, so I was actually offered a role in "The Sopranos", but I declined as I'm a baritone.

Rutgers will get revenge for the Big Ten's snub by beating their newest team.

Beeno's Pick: Rutgers

Friday, December 30: The London Philharmonic Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Mississippi State vs. Wake Forest

Wake Forest Coach Groban will feel right at home in the Nashville music studios. Coach Mullen will be sneaking off to Kinky's to fax his resume to every D-1 school.

The Nashville Chamber of Commerce will have a special promotion at halftime as native daughter Kesha Perry will be giving out free hummers.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Friday, December 30: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Iowa vs. Oklahoma

Years ago Coach Stoops almost got hired by Iowa, but instead they hired Coach Hayden Fox, and that worked out well for both schools. This is not a BCS game for the Sooners so Iowa has no chance.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Saturday, December 31: The Rick Perry for President Texas State Championship Game (Houston, Texas). Texas A&M vs. Northwestern

Here's another one of those state title games. I'm not sure when Northwestern became part of Texas. There sure are a lot of bowel games involving .500 teams playing 12 game schedules. There are more sixes in this game than at Nick Satan's house.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Saturday, December 31: The Juarez Chamber of Commerce Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Georgia Tech vs. U.T.A.H.

There's a huge advantage in this game -- it's so close to home for the University of Texas at Houston, just down I-10 from El Paso. The exciting halftime show will be a salute to Juarez with Lindy Lohannes and Mickey the Mule.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Tech

Saturday, December 31: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt

It's great to see the Vandy Commodes playing in a bowel game. The tough SEC schedule will help them against the Bengals.

Beeno's Pick: Vanderbilt

Saturday, December 31: The Kate Moss Fight Bulimia by Eating Lame Duck Bowel (San Francisco, California). Illinois vs. UCLA

The teams' respective coaches plan to swap teams at halftime as Illinois tries to avert a 7-game losing streak and UCLA tries to pawn off Ricky the Magic Pixie before he can do more damage.

Beeno's Pick: Illinois

Saturday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Virginia vs. Auburn

Auburn lost Cam Newton, the descendent of Isaac Newton, who invented math with calculators also known as calculus. Virginia has had a tough year in the ACC.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Monday, January 2: The Stub Hub Ticket City Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Houston vs. Penn State

This bowel game will be the Cotton Bowel prequel. I can remember watching all those Houston teams playing in the Cotton Bowel, but never against JoePa's boys, just against the Dallas Cowboys. Go with the Oilers.

Beeno's Pick: Houston

Monday, January 2: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Michigan State vs. Georgia

These are two fine programs, the MSU Fighting Chippewas and the Georgia Bulldogs. I also must note that UGA and Sparty the Chippewa are among my favorite mascots.

Athens vs. Sparty was a battle way back when in Grease. One year, Athens attacked Syracuse and brought back the magical orange orb, which was to be eaten by UGA. But Sparty got there first and because omnipotent from the orange testicle. So Sparty's never had kids and UGA is still humping the hedges.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Monday, January 2: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Ohio State vs. Florida

This is also known as the R Ban Meyer bowel, as the winner gets R Ban's daughter. Florida offensive coordinator and former USC star Charles White gets a shot at payback vs. OSU after his loss with ND in the 2006 Fiesta Bowel.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Monday, January 2: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Nebraska vs. South Carolina

Coach Superior will be facing Nebraska for first time since '96 Fiesta Bowel. I think Huskers are still scoring points. There's no doubt that Coach Osborne still has Visor Boy's number.

Beeno's Pick: Nebraska

Monday, January 2: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Ex-Lax (Pasadena, California). Wisconsin vs. Oregon

You gotta love this matchup featuring Badgers and Beavers. I enjoy seeing animals in something resembling their natural habitat. Just last week I made a trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo. I got stuck in line just outside the monkey cages. One of those damn spider monkeys jumped down and humped my chins. Fortunately I was able to get out of there before he could spray me in the eyes.

Wisconsin has the big star in this game with running back Monty Ball. Given his "Let's Make a Deal" legacy, I'm surprised he didn't end up at USC.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Monday, January 2: The Salt River Waterskiing Club Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Stanford vs. Oklahoma State

This is going to be a great quarterback matchup with Andrew Luck and Brandon Weeden. It's also a classic battle of Indians vs. Cowboys.

I used to love Cowboy and Indian movies. When I was a young adult I'd go to the theatre and watch some of the legendary Westerns on their first release. One time I did get in trouble as I was a bit bloated and felt like I was about to belch. I waited until the big battle scene, then let loose. Unfortunately, this was the silent movie era, so I was arrested for disturbing the peace.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Tuesday, January 3: The Cuba Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Michigan vs. Virginia Tech

Coach Beaner's squad is undefeated as long as they aren't playing Clemson. Coach Farley done a fine job with Michigan and Dotard Robinson and I think VPI defending the Sped option is the key.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Wednesday, January 4: The Beta Carotine Leads to Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Western Virginia vs. Clemson

Here, instead of a state championship game in a bowel, we have the ACC championship game in the bowel.

Clemson is in athletic/academic shadow of cross-state rival South Carolina. Western Virginia is in a similar shadow relative to cross-state rival UVA. Clemson will have the best player on the field in super freshman Sammy Watkins. I predicted Sammy will win two Heismans and a Pulitzer Prize for poetry.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Friday, January 6: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Kansas City State vs. R Kansas

Missouri's departure for the SEC has ruined a classic cross-state rivalry between Kansas and Missouri. So it's good to have a team from Missouri like KC State playing a team from Kansas.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas

Saturday, January 7: The Compost Bowel (Birmingham, England). SMU vs. Pitt

I'm excited that my Panthers are in a bowel game again. I would really like to go to this game, but I can't fly anymore due to my bloating. I can't fit into the airplane row, even if I buy two seats. And all the ocean liners are booked, so I will watch this at home. I hope the Pony will be watching his Mustangs. That reminds me, has anyone seen the pony?

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Sunday, January 8: The Sean Kemp GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). R Kansas State vs. Northern Illinois

This is an entertaining matchup, but I'm not sure why this is a BS bowel game. This has been a great year for teams from the Jayhawk state, other than Coach Mangino's boys.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas State

Monday, January 9: The BS Title Game (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Alabama vs. LSU

This year's title game is a rematch of a regular season game. There have been occasional rematches throughout bowel history. One of the most significant was the January 1997 FU/FSU tussle. Florida won the game, but Florida State looked better in the first matchup so got voted the title.

Les Miles followed in Nick Satan's footsteps at LSU, but Coach Miles eats grass rather than roasted human flesh.

There is great talent on both sides of the field. There's such great skill position talent that I can see 20 or even 30 points for the two teams combined.

Normally playing the game in New Orleans would make this nearly a home game for the Bayou Bengals, but any town with this much Santeria is a perfect spot for Coach Satan.

In the end, I have to go with the Tigers, because I think crazy will top evil.

Beeno's Pick: LSU