December 17, 2013

The college football season has been a very fast four months but also a very enjoyable time. And the best thing, as a grand and glorious year wraps up, is that there's still plenty of football to go.

The bowels will open on December 21 and rain forth a plethora of pleasures for over two weeks. Kind of like my intestinal experience when I had the swine flu in 1918.

Up here we'll just sit back and watch the fun. I usually just hang out with the coaches, who don't just watch every game but also the ESPN Pregame shows so they can make fun of my good friend Lee Corso.

My new good friend Paul Brown said that Coach Corso needs to stop choking small animals on the Gameday set, especially chickens. I said I'd seen Lee pet cats and pound Beavers, but never seen him choke a chicken. Coach Brown then gave me his X-ray specs that see through the rostrum that the ESPN people sit behind and, well, Lee, you need to be more discreet.

In any event, we're just a few short days away from my favorite time of the year. Here are my thoughts on the games:

Saturday, December 21: The Gilda's Mexican Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Washington State vs. Colorado State

It's nice to see Texas Tech's former coach back in a bowel game, but former star quarterback Rick Leach in Mexico is a drug mule story just waiting to happen. Colorado State has really established itself in the WAC, it was another fine job by Coach Bruce.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Saturday, December 21: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). FSU vs. USC

Now I realize that the bowels have trouble finding teams, but it's unfair to Auburn to let Florida State play a Warmup game before the BS title game. Especially when it's against a challenging opponent like South Carolina.

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Saturday, December 21: The Dan Quayle Humanitarian Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Buffalo vs. San Diego

As I was saying, the bowels run out of teams eligible to play in the games so start reaching. So instead of a good game between two fine college teams, with bands, cheerleaders, and drunken frat boys, we get a matchup of two crappy NFL teams.

Beeno's Pick: The Bills

Saturday, December 21: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Tulane vs. Lafayette

It's often the case that one team in a bowel has a home field advantage, but this one is pretty extreme, with Tulane playing just down the road from their New Orleans campus against a school from Pennsylvania.

Beeno's Pick: Tulane

Monday, December 23: The Beef O'Stroke'Em'Off Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). East Carolina vs. Ohio

Ohio quarterback Tyler Tettleton is the best baseball player in football since Mark McGuire played for the St Louisville Cardinals. That being said, East Carolina, one of the best expansion state schools, has the edge in this one.

Beeno's Pick: East Carolina

Tuesday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Boys' State vs. Oregon State

The reform school kids at Boys' State have had a lot of bowel success over the years, causing nightmares for Oklahoma in particular. And who can forget that epic punchout in their win over Oregon a few years back. That was the Broncos splitting the Beavers, this time they'll take out the Ducks.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Thursday, December 26: The PapaJohn's Little Caesar's Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Pitt vs. Boweling Green

It's good that my Panthers have gotten their program back on track again, with the exciting reward of a trip to Detroit. I hope they get to the game on time -- they'll be playing inside some big abandoned warehouse, but finding a particular abandoned warehouse in Detroit is like finding a particular porn studio in the San Fernando Valley.

Beeno's Pick: Boweling Green

Thursday, December 26: The Dying Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). U.T.A.H. State vs. Northern Illinois

This will be an interesting matchup of offenses, with Jordan Lynch and the pride of the MAC taking on one of the top smaller schools in Texas, the University of Texas at Houston State Aggies.

Beeno's Pick: Northern Illinois

Friday, December 27: The Kim Jong-Il Memorial Militia Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Marshall vs. Maryland

There's been a lot of changes in college football of late, with teams moving to new leagues and so forth. So this bowel game features the last appearance of a school in its old league before joining a new league for the money. Good luck to Marshall as they move on to the AFC. Maryland will bring a lot to the table, in particular its Terrapin mascot, which resembles a walking piece of feces.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Friday, December 27: The Enron Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Minnesota vs. Syracuse

Congratulations to Minnesota, as they and Coach Kill have seized a bowel berth. This will be a fascinating matchup of teams, but an even greater matchup of mascots, as Goldy the Gopher from Caddyshack tries to crush an orange testicle.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Friday, December 27: The Kate Moss Fight Bulimia Bowel (San Francisco, California). Bring 'Em Young vs. Washington

It's very strange to have a football program with ties to a religious cult, but I'm sure new Coach Peterson will keep his Scientological stuff at home. The Bulimia Bowel parade should be a fine one, with the BYU marching band learning all sorts of new uses for flutes on Castro Street.

Beeno's Pick: Washington

Saturday, December 28: John Gotti's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Notre Dame vs. Rutgers

It's great that these two teams can meet before the big conference re-alignment next year, what with both teams joining a new league, the Big Ten. I'm also glad that B Kelly is able to take time off from coaching the Eagles.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Saturday, December 28: The Macy's Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). North Carolina vs. Cincinnati

Much traveled coach Tubby Tommerville heads to the heart of ACC country, on the UVA campus, to take on North Carolina. The Tar Heels of course are known for their basketball program and coaching legend Dean Smith. I once told my good friend Herb Street that Dean Smith was the only person who could keep Michael Jordan's scoring under 20. Herb said that he averages 20 scores per month. I don't understand Herb at times.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina

Saturday, December 28: Russell Crowe's Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Miami vs. The St. Louisville Cardinals

I guess they've run out of college teams and NFL teams for bowels, so why not two baseball teams. I'll be interested to see the Cards vs the Marlins, especially if that Ozzie guy managing Miami goes and bites the head off a rat.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Saturday, December 28: The Buffalo Wild Wings Insight.com Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Kansas City State vs. Michigan

It's great that Kansas City State's Coach Snyder gets to return to the scene of some of his biggest triumphs in Tempe with the Sun Devils. Michigan is trying to close out the year with a win behind quarterback Denard Gardner.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Monday, December 30: The Blake Belldozer Helicopter Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Middle Tennessee State vs. Navy

I love college football, but I'm not sure why we keep on adding teams by creating expansion states and building new colleges. "Middle Tennessee" is a funny name for a state anyway, but I guess Tennessee is splintering. It's probably Monty Kiffin's fault. Navy will sink them.

Beeno's Pick: Navy

Monday, December 30: The Miley Cyrus Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Ole Southern Miss vs. Georgia Tech

At one time both these teams were in the SEC. Now Georgia Tech is in ACC, and their opponent is in Conference UFO.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Monday, December 30: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Texas vs. Oregon

The Beavers are hoping to spoil the retirement party of coach John Mackovic Brown. Coach Brown is hoping someone unties him from the funeral pyre. As for the game, Admiral Mariota will lead a sneak attack of historic proportions, probably even worse than the one the Germans launched on the Alamo.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Monday, December 30: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Arizona State vs. Texas Tech

Both these teams came close to winning their leagues, the WAC and the SWC. We can all look forward to a good ole fashioned shootout. And a football game later.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona State

Tuesday, December 31: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Arizona vs. Boston College

This should be a fine matchup of two programs that seem to be improving. BC is putting it back together just like during the days of Gordie Lockbaum before they dropped football. Arizona and Dick Rodriguez are running a better spread than Kim Kardashian.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Tuesday, December 31: The Vicente Fuentes Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Virginia Tech vs. UCLA

Virginia Tech and coach Beaner come into this contest with a tough defense. Meanwhile, Coach Mora has come a long way since his days with the Baltimore Colts and legendary QB Johnny Unitas.

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Tuesday, December 31: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). R.I.C.E vs. Mississippi State

This is pretty much a home game for the Bulldogs, as it's a much shorter trip to Memphis from Starkville than from Rhode Island. Mississippi State will build on their exciting win over Ole Southern Miss for the Egg Bowel.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Tuesday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Duke vs. Texas A&M

The side matchups in this contest are what's really fascinating. We're going to see Johnny Fussball vs. the Atlanta night life. And the Duke students vs. their books.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Wednesday, January 1: The Sphincter of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). UNLV vs. North Texas

I'm excited to see North Texas in a bowel again. The pride of Denton, my good friend Phyllis George, was one of my colleagues during my days at CBS. I'm very glad that she got over that unfortunate visual of Jimmy the Greek and his magic pump. North Texas will take on the Throwin' Rebels of UNLV.

Beeno's Pick: North Texas

Wednesday, January 1: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Nebraska vs. Georgia

These two teams met last year, so this is a rerun bowel. Kind of like the end result of my most recent malt-o-meal. This isn't just a battle of two storied programs, it's also a classic matchup of mascots, with UGA the Bulldog facing off against the Nebraska Cornholio.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Wednesday, January 1: The Olivia Newton-John Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Iowa vs. LSU

This is another rematch, though from several years back. Nine years ago Iowa won this game on a long tipped TD pass, in the final game at LSU for Nick Satan. His head sure turned around, 360 degrees, on that one.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Wednesday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Wisconsin vs. South Carolina

South Carolina will send their angriest Clowney against the Wisconsin lard boys. Coach Superior is famous for saying that you can't spell Citrus without "UC" but the Bengals aren't there.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Wednesday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Ex-Lax (Pasadena, California). Michigan State vs. Stanford

It's been over a quarter century for Michigan State between Rose Bowl trips. The MSU Chippewa mascot, Spurty, will leave a liquid on the Tree. Personally, I haven't seen two teams that will run it into the line this much since the Third Battle of Ypres.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan State

Wednesday, January 1: The Salt River Waterskiing Club Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Central Florida vs. Baylor

I'm excited to see Notre Dame coaching legend George O Leary in a BS bowel vs. Baylor coach Bart Riles. You've got Babtists taking on yet another expansion state. I predict that Baylor will win big.

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Thursday, January 2: The Cuban Ministry of Defense Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Oklahoma vs. Alabama

Here's another matchup of coaching legends, Stoops vs. Satan. Up here Bud Wilkinson and the Bear have a bet, the loser has to eat Bear's oldest hat.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, January 3: The Undiscovered Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Clemson vs. Ohio State

These teams haven't met since Woody Hayes' final game with the Buckeyes. I asked Woody about the game the other day, he says he's counting down the days until Charlie Baumann passes on, "because, Beeno, I'm gonna get that smarmy fat bastard".

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Friday, January 3: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Oklahoma State vs. Missouri

While conference title games are big money makers, I'm surprised to see the Big 8 title game being played so late in the season. Then again, Dallas Cowboys owner Jim Jones has to find things to promote other than Koolaid.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Saturday, January 4: The Compost Bowel (Birmingham, England). Vanderbilt vs. Houston

What a great job by coach Franklin with Vandy Commodes, flushing the past. In Birmingham England the law mandates that stuff that gets flushed swirls to the right instead of the left. I've never understood those bidets either, they hurt like hell to sit on and where do you put the deuce? Houston is having a good year and is hoping to get revenge on the city that stole the Oilers and left them with a crappy expansion team.

Beeno's Pick: Vanderbilt

Sunday, January 5: The Sean Kemp GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). R Kansas State vs. Bald State

It's good to see Bald State doing well again, that way we can watch that Letterman guy talk about college football incessantly rather than blabbering on with movie stars. It's going to be a tough matchup for them against the finest players from the R Kansas backwoods.

Beeno's Pick: Bald State

Monday, January 6: The BS Title Game (Pasadena, California). Auburn vs. FSU

Well, here's the national title matchup. There are a lot of interesting side battles in this one.

Both teams have outstanding quarterbacks who are as elusive fleeing defenders as they are fleeing the law.

The coaches are young up and coming guys, Jim Bob Fisher and Gus Malzahn.

Even the coaches' wives are fascinating. You have the lovely Mrs. Jim Bob Fisher, who does a lot of wonderful charity work in her spare time, and Mrs. Malzahn, who spends her spare time juggling snakes and rolling in the aisles.

Then you have the bands. Auburn features the South's finest banjo section and Florida State decided to scrap their band and borrow Florida A&M's band instead.

Even off the field these schools are academic rivals. FSU has a couple guys who were talented enough to go to medical school in Grenada. And Auburn has agricultural guys who are grafting trees that can withstand Bama fans' urine.

As for the game, I predict that the SEC continues its BS domimation as FSU wins for the SEC South.

Beeno's Pick: FSU