December 17, 2014

As you know, I made the transition to a literally more heavenly place a couple years ago. It's actually a really great experience. Unlimited food, huge TV sets, all the football you'd ever want to watch. And my good friend Bronko Nagurski has gotten pretty good at sneaking in some of the finest liquor, so that angle is covered as well.

Bronko's fine work at obtaining some Remy Martin is excellent news, as we're going to be sipping cognac to celebrate every single day of the finest two weeks of the year, bowel season. And, since we'll be chowing on chili, oatmeal, and bean casserole, it will be the best bowel season ever.

This year we've got something like 38 bowels so that makes for about 79 teams :facing off. And, without any further ado, here's my 2014 bowel preview.

Saturday, December 20: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Nevada vs. Lafayette

The bowel season gets off to an early start, at 10 a.m. Central Time in New Orleans. As the immortal Joe Pagliaroni said in the only baseball book I ever bothered reading, "Ball Four", "10 a.m.? I'm not done throwing up at 10 a.m." Neither is most of the city of New Orleans. When you walk Bourbon Street it's not the mounted police poop you have to avoid. Nor the poop from the horses the mounted police ride.

Lafayette has really built their program up from the years when they used to struggle with Lehigh, but Nevada is on a slightly higher level.

Beeno's Pick: Nevada

Saturday, December 20: The Gilda's Mexican Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). U.T.A.H. State vs. U.T.E.P.

Some of these bowels end up with matchups that don't make a lot of sense geographically. In this case you have two satellite campuses of the Austin-based Texas Aggies meeting in a foreign country. The El Paso team has done very well this year under Coach Price, who has really kept it rolling, baby. But the University of Texas at Houston State has emerged as well and looks to be building a powerhouse.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H. State

Saturday, December 20: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). U.T.A.H. vs. Colorado State

It's been a pretty good year for Houston-based teams, with crosstown rivals University of Texas at Houston and U.T.A.H. State making it to bowels. Colorado State has done pretty well too, though their coaching situation got messed up when Florida snapped up Coach Bruce.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H.

Saturday, December 20: The Anus Idaho Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Western Michigan vs. Air Force

I can only imagine Coach Corso's excitement when he sees the name of this one. He used to always talk about a list of items that had been found by emergency room doctors stuck up someone's wazoo. Then he liked to start testing what items fit best. A potato is pretty modest compared to some of the things Coach has tried.

The Western Michigan Kicking Broncos have had a great turnaround year but playing a service academy will be a tall task.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Saturday, December 20: The Raycom Blue Grey Camellia Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). U.S.A. vs. Boweling Green

I still remember being down south for my 50th birthday and running into Hurricane Camellia. That was one heck of a nasty experience. Years later I told my good friend Mike Tirico about the storm Camellia and what a rough ride it was. He told me that he'd ridden an even worse Storm named Hannah.

I still don't quite understand Mike at times.

While it's great that we finally have a school called U.S.A., I admit my sympathies, having some Irish blood, are with the green bowel. But I don't think they'll win.

Beeno's Pick: U.S.A.

Monday, December 22: Miami Marlins Bowel (Havana, Cuba). Bring 'Em Young vs. Memphis

I guess the embargo against Cuba is starting to fade. Maybe they can bring back some of those great casinos again, though I wouldn't recommend they do so for this game. The respective fan bases feature a bunch of backwards stick in the mud type individuals -- and people from Salt Lake City.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Tuesday, December 23: The Tampa Chamber of Commerce Boca Raton Bowel (Fort Lauderdale, Florida). Marshall vs. Northern Illinois

This is a brand new bowel, kind of like the bowel transplant my good friend Coach Ralph Fridge had. I guess for the first year they're not doing a full fledged post-season game, instead it will be the Mid-American Conference title game.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Tuesday, December 23: The Poinsettia with Moldy Fruitcake Bowel (San Diego, California). The Navel Academy vs SDSU

It's unfortunate that one team ends up with a big home field advantage in a bowel game, like all those great Miami teams playing in the Orange Bowel. It's pretty similar in this game, with all the hometown fans crossing Coronado Bay to go from their barracks to the stadium to cheer on Navy. But I still think the guys from South Dakota have the edge.

Beeno's Pick: South Dakota State

Wednesday, December 24: The Popeye Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Bahamas). Seaman U vs. Western Kentucky

I always hated those popeye shows. Eating vegetables that look like my lunch after I vomited it back up, those stupid tattoos, that weirdo with the hat and the caterpillar under his nose, and that scrawny chick Olive Oil. Maybe they will all disappear into the Bahamas Triangle.

As for the game, I expect the Hilltoppers to gobble the Seaman.

Beeno's Pick: Western Kentucky

Wednesday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Fresno State vs. R.I.C.E.

This is one of those strange artifacts of the bowel system. Fresno State had a losing record yet still gets to play in a bowel, one that's in Hawaii in fact. Their reward is to face the nation's finest football playing correspondence school, Rhode Island Continuing Education.

Beeno's Pick: Fresno State

Friday, December 26: The Scrotum of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Illinois vs. La Tech

This is an interesting matchup, as Illinois struggled in the Big Ten and now have to go up against the pride of France. The Illini probably would get La Tech to wave the white flag if they still had that Hittner guy at quarterback.

Beeno's Pick: Illinois

Friday, December 26: The Quit Line Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Rutgers vs. North Carolina

There are numerous new sponsors for bowel games, so why not a smoking cessation company like Quit Line. I still have bad memories of my time on the patch. Those things taste like crap.

This will be quite a matchup between the newest member of the Big Ten and the Rutgers Scarlet Knights.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina

Friday, December 26: The Bit Coin Barney Ruble Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). North Carolina State vs. Central Florida

Since I moved on to the next life, I have learned one lesson the hard way: Don't drink with Russians. Especially Yeltsin. It's like getting into a flatulence contest with Jared Lorenzen.

As for the game, Coach George O Leary has really turned things around after his brief tenure at Notre Dame. I suspect his good run continues against NC State.

Beeno's Pick: UCF

Saturday, December 27: The ISIS Militia Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech

Frank Beaner just keeps on chugging along, though, given their offense this year, Va Tech fans are probably ready to chug strychnine. I do think the Cavs have probably bitten off a bit more than they can chew against the Bengals.

Beeno's Pick: Cincinnati

Saturday, December 27: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Arizona State vs. Duke

I'm really doubtful that the typical Duke student is ready for the nightlife of Juarez. Even the daytime stage shows might be a bit much for those pencil-necked types. I'd recommend starting slowly with a couple of pony rides so they aren't too shocked at the halftime show featuring Joe Montana's daughter Hannah and Long Dong Donkey. It ain't your ball that he's gonna wreck, dear.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona State

Saturday, December 27: The Oregon State Duck Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Miami vs. South Carolina

Here's a couple programs trying to recapture past glory meeting in beautiful downtown Shreveport. There's probably a pretty entertaining test pattern on one of the other networks. Coach Superior will end up wishing he'd just stayed on Hilton Head.

Beeno's Pick: Miami

Saturday, December 27: Derek Jeter's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Boston College vs. Penn State

So we will have Frodo vs. JoePa's old team in a bowel game. Speaking of JoePa, I know you all keep asking about him, but I haven't seen him up here yet. JoePa must be somewhere else these days. It's fairly easy to get in, I even saw Ty Cobb wandering around, kicking little kids, but no Joe.

Speaking of baseball, it's one of the worst ideas to play football in a baseball stadium. You end up with really wide sidelines and really short end zones. And ball carriers keep on tripping over the pitcher's mound.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Saturday, December 27: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Nebraska vs. USC

Coach Pelini got fired before this game, so he won't have a chance to take on the Trojans. I'm sure the Song Girls will be disappointed not to meet such a handsome coach. But I'm guessing they'll have a fine time with the Cornholio mascot.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Monday, December 29: The Marcus Dupree's Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Texas A&M vs. Western Virginia

This will be a great game to attend. You've got the cadets from State College Station and the Mountain men from Morgantown, so I'm expecting a shootout. I also expect a lot of scoring in the football game.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Monday, December 29: Kurt Russell Athletic Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Oklahoma vs. Clemson

Now I have fond memories of watching Kurt Russell's movie career. He even took a break from doing all those Disney porn flicks to play baseball for a few years. And recently he starred in that movie "Miracle" about the Olympic hockey team. I actually got to watch that with the guy he played in that film, Herb Brooks. Herb said the movie was really misleading, that Jimmy Chitwood actually missed his shot, Rudy was offside on the game-winning play, and Susan Sarandon never swallowed.

Herb is a pretty confusing fellow.

The game itself will feature two name programs who had disappointing seasons, but I'm sure the prospect of impressing 15,000 fans will fire up both teams.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Monday, December 29: The Enron Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). R Kansas vs. Texas

So we're back to having bowel games as conference championship games. I still remember going to Fayetteville, R Kansas, to cover that 1969 game, when Houston Street threw the game winning home run ball to Magglio Ordonez. This time around you've got the lard of Coach Bielema, plus some fat football players, going up against Coach John Mackovic Brown's Aggies. Brown is a good name for coach, he looks like he's got a very healthy tan going these days.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas

Tuesday, December 30: The One Erection Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Notre Dame vs. LSU

You know things have gone downhill when a bowel game is named for some boy band. The Irish and the Bayou Bungholes have engaged in some fine matchups over the years, such as the night game in Baton Rouge back in 1971, or Gerry Faust's debut in 1981, or the Gerry DiNardo Bowel in 1998, where the losing team got stuck with the coach. This year I think LSU has a slight edge.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Tuesday, December 30: The Sears Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). Georgia vs. St. Louisville Cardinals

Now it's nice to have a state championship game in Virginia, but it would be better if it actually involved two teams from the state. While the Cardinals stole Todd Grantham, their pitching coach, away from the Bulldogs, I don't think that will be enough to decide the game in their favor.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Tuesday, December 30: The Bud Foster Farms Bowel (Santa Clara, California). Maryland vs. Stanford

I guess it's appropriate that the school from the Farm is playing at the Farms, though I'm not sure why they're playing the game on farmland donated by the Virginia Tech Cav defensive coordinator. Maryland had a decent year in whatever league they're playing in these days, but I don't think they'll be ready for what the Cardinals have to offer.

Beeno's Pick: Stanford

Wednesday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Ole Southern Miss vs. TCU

Ole Southern Miss had a big home win over their archrivals from Starkville, to take back the Egg Bowel. As a reward, they have to take on a bunch of angry horny toads from Fort Worth. Look out for Coach Peterson's boys to take out their frustration on the Brett Faver's alma mater.

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Wednesday, December 31: The Salt River Waterskiing Club Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Boyes' State vs. Arizona

Boyes State had that great win over Oklahoma a few years back, with that Statue of Liberty play, which was followed by the running back propositioning a cheerleader in the end zone. A year later Oklahoma lost to Western Virginia, then coached by now Arizona coach Dick Rodriguez. So underachieving Sooners teams have cast a shadow over these two programs. Of course underachieving Sooners teams have cast a shadow over most teams playing in bowel games.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Wednesday, December 31: The Undiscovered Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Ole SOuthern Miss State vs. Georgia Tech

You have to like watching these two offenses play, they look like old 1970's offenses the way they run the ball with the quarterback. All that's missing is the running back bending over to snort up the chalk lines.

Georgia Tech nearly ended Florida State's winning streak and knocked off UGA and friends, but they will be biting off more than they can chew against these Bulldogs.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss State

Thursday, January 1: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Michigan State vs. Baylor

This should be an exciting matchup of two programs that have really emerged. I know that my good recently arrived friend Pat Summerall is going to be calling the game, though I guess you guys won't be getting to hear that. A lot of the old broadcasters can't give that up, you invite them over to watch a game and they can't just sit there and enjoy it, they have to broadcast it. Then Pat gets back into the bourbon and pretty soon he starts thinking it's the Cowboys out there with Roger Staubach at quarterback. Gets pretty tired after the 15th time.

In the game, I think the Baylor receivers will break off some big plays, but the Michigan State Fighting Chippewas will be able to pick away at the Baylor defense. This affair should have more scoring than my good friend Herb Street's visit to the OSU I Felta Thigh sorority.

Beeno's Pick: Baylor

Thursday, January 1: The Angus Young Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Auburn vs. Wisconsin

Here are a couple more teams that have been really solid the past few seasons. The Badgers feature the best lard-infested line in the country and pound the ball down the other team's throat, while Auburn does more crazy stuff than Mike Gundy on a bender. While Wisconsin will score more than 0 points and give up fewer than 59, this will be a tough matchup for them and Coach Alvarez, who has had more comebacks than Michael Jordan. Maybe he can bring what's left of his son's pet parrot for luck.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Thursday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Missouri vs. Minnesota

I guess it's fitting that this game is in Florida, because it's kind of like the old runner-up bowel that the NFL used to play in Miami every year during the 60's. In this case, after the Big Ten expanded to something like 19 teams, they apparently decided to have a runner-up bowel for the second place teams. Thus the Minnesota Golden Buffaloes get to take on the Missouri Tigers for the title "third best team in the fifth best league".

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Thursday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Drano (Pasadena, California). Oregon vs. Florida State

As I was saying, the Big Ten sure went nuts with expansion. I don't know when Florida State joined the Big Ten, I figured they were still in the SEC South. The Oregon football team sure likes giving a pounding rather than taking one, making them different from most Beavers. I think the pride of Tokyo, Marcus Mariota, will outshine Jameis Winston, the pride of the Florida State correctional system.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Thursday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Alabama vs. Ohio State

Whoa boy, there's already a ton of talk up here about this one. Woody and Bear only met one time in their careers, in this very stadium and bowel game, and Bama won in a 35-6 blowout. Woody is still steamed as heck about that result, while the Bear just sits back and chuckles and talks in that slow smooth drawl of his, "well, Woody, you sure gave us a battle for the first five minutes or so". Then Woody goes and bangs his head against the wall a few times.

The two schools' current coaches, R Ban Meyer and Nick Satan, have certainly had some intense showdowns in the past as well. Nick's not too popular up here for obvious reasons, but there's no question the guy can coach. Coach and spin his head 360 degrees or so.

While I do expect an Alabama victory, I am confident it will be closer than the last matchup. If it's not, Woody's going to be breaking things for weeks.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, January 2: The Red Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Houston vs. Pittsburgh

One of the problems with having all these extra bowel games is that college football starts running out of teams. We end up creating expansion states like East Carolina and North Texas so we can build new colleges and get some more teams on the field, but sometimes we still fall short. So I guess it's all right that this bowel game will feature two NFL teams. The Oilers are hoping to return to the glory days of Dan Pasquarelli and wrapper Earl "Luther" Campbell.

Beeno's Pick: The Steelers

Friday, January 2: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Iowa vs. Tennessee

Now this is why we have bowel games. Two programs with a bunch of losses clinging to faded glory meeting in a meangingless game the day after New Year's. I can hardly wait.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Friday, January 2: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Kansas City State vs UCLA

Kansas City State doesn't have fond memories of this game after getting upset by Purdue and porn star Dru Breeze in the late 90's. This will be UCLA's first visit to San Antonio. I hope they take a trip over to the world's largest Taco Bell, which was built by Davy Crockett.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Friday, January 2: The StubHub TicketCity Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Washington vs. Oklahoma State

This used to be the BW3 bowel, in honor of the inevitable results of eating undercooked wings. This year they're matching up the Huskies and the Cowpokes. Plus Okie State has a quarterback named Rudolph, just in time for the holiday season. After going up against the Huskie defense his nose will be redder than that of my good friend Foster Brooks.

Beeno's Pick: Washington

Saturday, January 3: The Compost Bowel (Birmingham, England). East Carolina vs. Florida

These two teams are going to fly a long way for what should be a snoozefest of a bowel. Florida is on their sixth coach or so in the last decade while East Carolina is still smarting over that Hail Mary by fellow expansion state team Central Florida. While Florida's heads may not be in the game, their bodies should be enough.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Sunday, January 4: The Sean Kemp GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Toledo vs. R Kansas State

It's been a good year for MAC teams from the Great Lakes state, with Western and Central Michigan making bowels along with the University of Toledo. R Kansas State is often overlooked, but they've had a fine run of going to the GoneDaddyGone bowel four straight years, with four different coaches. I think the Mudhens have the edge though.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo