December 12, 2016

Now that I've settled into the eternal reaches, I must say that things sometimes get into a rut. Now I don't want to sound ungrateful as I know what the alternative is, but there are times of the year when very little is going on, such as this break between the end of the regular season and the bowel games.

Usually I do some Christmas shopping, but we have everything we really wish for up here so all I'm left doing is ordering gag gifts for various of my college football friends.

I gave Coach Hayes a punching bag with the face of a Clemson player on it. Coach Bryant got a mist cooler fan with Junction Texas embossed on it. And I surprised my good friend Chris Schenkel with some Red Bull so he can get out of his usual Sominex mode while talking.

I was going to give Coach Paterno some soap on a rope for safe showers, but nobody knows where JoePa is, we haven't seen him around since he passed on.

We're just about ready to start the best part of the year, bowel season. Because there weren't enough 6-6 teams they're now inviting 5-7 teams. But who cares, it's still college football. Not very good college football, but the more games the merrier. Here is my preview of all the bowels:

Saturday, December 17: The Salivation Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). North Carolina Central vs. Grumbling

Now Coach Robinson is one of my favorite people up here, just an absolute delight, so I'm not sure why he ended up at a school with such a negative name. This should be one of the best battles of the bowel season, I know we're all looking forward to a great showdown. And before and after the halftime band shows they'll play some football.

Beeno's Pick: Grumbling

Saturday, December 17: The Montezuma Mexican Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). University of Texas at San Antonio vs. New Mexico

The University of Texas has really expanded its satellite campuses from Austin to El Paso to Houston to San Antonio. The Roadrunners are a fine team, but that cartoon still annoys the hell out of me. No self-respecting coyote would settle for that sort of stringy meat.

Meanwhile the foreigners hosting this game just stick to one campus. I expect a fine effort from Los Lobos behind former Notre Dame coach Bob Davis. He did a great job at filling Lou Holtz's empty seats in South Bend and he's doing the same in Albuquerque, with a crowd in excess of 13,000 expected for this one.

Beeno's Pick: New Mexico

Saturday, December 17: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Houston vs. SDSU

It used to be schools didn't raid their own conference for other coaches, so I'm a bit surprised that Texas picked off Coach Herman from the Cougars. A little SWC loyalty would have been the better choice. Houston started off really strong but had quite a few downer games. They'll get their sea legs back against the finest team in South Dakota.

Beeno's Pick: Houston

Saturday, December 17: The Vatican Curio Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Central Florida vs. R Kansas State

Central Florida really turned it around, going from 0-12 to to 6-6 after getting rid of Irish legend George O. Leary. This is almost a home game for UCF against the guys from the Jayhawk State. I expect a low-scoring turnover-filled tilt.

Beeno's Pick: Central Florida

Saturday, December 17: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Toledo vs. Appalachian State

This one features the Mud Rockets against a bunch of Mountain Men and I don't even want to visualize what will be going on in the stands. As for the game, here's another classic mid-major matchup played in a mid-major city. Man I love college football.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Saturday, December 17: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Ole Southern Miss vs. Louisiana Lafayette

It seems there are more and more 6-6 boxcar teams playing in bowels. I'm not sure what we'll start calling the 5-7 teams. Maybe "abject failures". Lafayette comes all the way from Pennsylvania and they've done well in this game in the past. But I think Ole Southern Miss has played tougher opponents than Lehigh and Bucknell and will prevail.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Monday, December 19: Miami Marlins Bowel (Havana, Cuba). Central Michigan vs. Tulsa

Central Michigan had one of the big upsets of the year in Stillwater as they scored a last second illegal touchdown that shouldn't have counted to beat Oklahoma State. The controversial CMU upset of a Tulsa in-state rival was the Golden Showers' biggest win of the year. Expect a lot of scoring in this one, most of it by Tulsa.

Beeno's Pick: Tulsa

Tuesday, December 20: The Jon Bongiovi Boca Raton Bowel (Fort Lauderdale, Florida). Memphis vs. West Kentucky

West Kentucky must have seceded from regular Kentucky a few years ago. I do think it's interesting that, when the NCAA needs more college football teams, they start creating expansion states so they can have more universities. So you have new states like South Florida, West Kentucky, and North Arizona. One of these days they'll split off the coal mining part of the Thomas Jefferson State and create a new state based on the West part of Virginia.

Memphis lost their coach to Virginia Tech last year and West Kentucky lost their coach to Purdue this year. Virginia Tech would beat Purdue so I'm picking Memphis.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Wednesday, December 21: The Poinsettia with Week-old Chicken Fettuccine Bowel (San Diego, California). Bring 'Em Young vs. Wyoming

It's nice that they moved a WAC bowel matchup to a warm-weather site like San Diego. BEYU will show up in force with a $20 bill and a copy of the Ten Commandments and start knocking on doors. Wyoming will just be glad to get out of Laramie in December.

Beeno's Pick: Bring 'Em Young

Thursday, December 22: The Ore-Ida Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Idaho vs. Colorado State

This one is likely to be a mismatch, as Idaho has little going for it other than home state advantage. Colorado State is coached by former UGA quarterback Mike Bobo while Idaho is coached by Paul Petrino, brother of the famous St Louisville Cardinal coach Rick Petrino. Like his brother, Paul rushes to finish the two minute drill. It won't be enough in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Friday, December 23: The Poopeye Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Bahamas). Old Dominatrix vs. Eastern Michigan

When I was a bit younger I visited Old Dominatrix over in Virginia. Before I knew it I was blindfolded, had some round thing shoved in my mouth, and my ankles were shackled to the wall. Then I heard a familiar voice "hey Beeno!" and it was my good friend Coach Corso. He started mumbling stuff about plugs and cats with nine tails. The rest of the time was a blur. When I woke up I had an ODU logo branded on my hiney and Coach Corso's back looked like a pizza. I never went back after that.

As for the game, ODU should club EMU even worse than they did me.

Beeno's Pick: Old Dominatrix

Friday, December 23: The North Korean People's Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). La Tech vs. Navy

The pride of Paris comes to the stockyards. My new good friend General Patton asked me "Beeno, why does the new French Navy have glass boats? So they can see the old French Navy!" Watch our guys sink the frogs.

Beeno's Pick: Navy

Friday, December 23: The Sean Kemp GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Ohio vs. Troy

The Men of Troy always seem to try to play multiple bowel games. The women of Troy, also known as the Song Girls, are known for bowel games too. The pride of the MAC has no chance in this one, go with the Trojans.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Saturday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Hawaii vs. Middle Tennessee State

Middle Tennessee has had an up and down season while Hawaii just barely got their way into a bowel game. Usually I'd go with the home team, but Middle Tennessee scores more than my daughter after a fifth of bourbon.

Beeno's Pick: Middle Tennessee

Monday, December 26: The Barney Ruble Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Miami vs. Mississippi State

I'm not sure how our friends in the old USSR will react to these two teams. You'll have the Canes coming out of the tunnel through a bunch of white smoke and that may upset the Orthodox folks who will think there's a Pope involved. And Mississippi State has fans who bang on cowbells the entire game, which will remind the fans of the siege of Leningrad. So I'm predicting trauma in the stands and a lousy football game on the field.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Monday, December 26: The Quickie Lane Glory Hole Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Maryland vs. Boston College

If you wonder why I love college football, here's an example: Two ACC teams battling it out the entire year for the right to spend Christmas in downtown Detroit. No other sport features such dedication to mediocrity on all levels.

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Monday, December 26: The Compost Heap Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). North Carolina State vs. Vanderbilt

One of these years the Shreveport game is going to get a dispensation so they don't have to invite 6-6 teams to play in the aptly named Boxcar Bowel. Instead they'll have 5-7 teams and maybe a couple 4-8 teams rewarded with a trip to Shreveport. Second prize would be two trips to Shreveport. As for the game, the Wolves will flush the Commodes.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina State

Tuesday, December 27: The Perineum of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). North Texas vs. Army

Here's another expansion state, as pieces of Texas are now starting to declare independence, build colleges, and get into this football thing. Meanwhile Army has finally turned things around, even beating the Navel Academy for the first time since the disco era, and I expect the cushions to keep rolling along.

Beeno's Pick: Army

Tuesday, December 27: The Visualize Whirled Peas Militia Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Temple vs. Wake Forest

Someone once said an atheist is someone who doesn't care who wins when Notre Dame plays Southern Mississippi. In this case we have one of the finest Babtist schools in the country competing against a great Jewish college. I'm predicting a lot of hellfire and brimstone after the Chosen People lay waste to the fundamentalists.

Beeno's Pick: Temple

Tuesday, December 27: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Minnesota vs. Washington State

San Diego is a fine destination for people stuck in Minneapolis and Pullman, if they can get to the airport that is. Coach Leach's Pirates have really rocked the Pac-8 this year while the Golden Buffaloes actually had a shot at a tie for the Big Ten Norris Division title until the Packers won the regular season finale. Go with the skull and crossbones here.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Tuesday, December 27: The StubHub TicketCity Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Boys' State vs. Baylor

Babtists are getting better at football it seems. But I think the group of wayward young men they'll be facing will have little trouble subduing them.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Wednesday, December 28: Mark Texeira's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Pitt vs. Northwestern

At least the teams stuck in Boise for a bowel get to play on a blue field. Yankee Stadium will have a grass field, a pitcher's mound that's easy to trip over, and lots of weird chalk lines. Not a great reward for my Panthers, but I think they'll overcome the situation and pound Northwestern.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Wednesday, December 28: The Michael Vick Jack Russell Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Western Virginia vs. Miami Florida

Whoo boy, these two teams played some classics back in those old Big East days. WVU had an unexpectedly good season while Miami has been up and down. Watch for the Mountain Men to slip past the Canes.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Wednesday, December 28: The Foster Brooks Bowel (Santa Clara, California). Indiana vs. U.T.A.H.

Indiana keeps on losing coaches due to mistreatment of players. You'd think a school that was built on Coach Knight's training methods would get better results with a coach who took such an approach in football. Meanwhile the University of Texas at Houston has become one of the Loan Star State's top programs behind Coach Willingham, who has recovered from some of his struggles at Notre Dame and Washington.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H.

Wednesday, December 28: The Enron Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Texas A&M vs. Kansas City State

While these two teams are both from the Midlands, they've never been in the same league as the Southwest Conference has stood pat while the Big Eight keeps on shuffling around members. It's a long way from KC Missouri to Houston so it's a near home game for the Horns and I'm picking them to win.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Thursday, December 29: The K-Mart Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). R Kansas vs. Virginia Tech

Here's another home state advantage game, but at least this time Va Tech has to play in their archrivals' stadium. That will make it a bit tougher for the Cavs, but I think they have enough to take out Coach Butthead's Hogs.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Thursday, December 29: The JRR Tolkien Bowel (Birmingham, England). South Florida vs. South Carolina

Here are some more expansion states, as South Florida was formed when the Big East needed another team and a school was built and a football team started. South Carolina's expansion state days date back a couple centuries, from even before football was invented. Those southerners anticipate trends very well.

Beeno's Pick: South Florida

Thursday, December 29: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Oklahoma State vs. Colorado

I'm not sure why someplace in Mexico would be hosting a matchup of two Big Eight teams. At least that one time when Nebraska had an Orange Bowel rematch against Oklahoma the two teams were top 5 programs. This game matches two "woulda coulda" teams in a battle that will have half the country asleep by halftime.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado

Friday, December 30: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Georgia vs. TCU

I remember once talking to my good friend Mike Tirico about these two schools, their iconic mascots, and their strong football programs. I said "it's tough to lick a horny toad". Mike said it was tougher to lick a horny bulldog then he explained the game of ookie cookie. I don't understand Mike at times. This should be a great matchup of SEC and SWC.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Friday, December 30: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Stanford vs. North Carolina

As is the case every year, the Sun Bowel attracts fans who show up around the second quarter of the football game because they're waiting for the halftime show. This year they've once again got the donkey show at halftime, but this time the donkeys will be getting busy with the Stanford tree. I can't wait to watch.

Beeno's Pick: Stanford

Friday, December 30: The Ke$ha Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Nebraska vs. Tennessee

Here's another couple name programs meeting in a mid-major bowel for a chance to restore some glory. Due to the academic scandal at North Carolina, it's also a chance at personal redemption for Vols coach Butch Davis. I expect them to have little trouble with the Cornholio.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Friday, December 30: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). South Alabama vs. Air Force

This is a tough matchup for the most patriotic fans as you have USA taking on our nation's Air Force. The very complex triple option is quite a challenge to defend, especially by guys who didn't even have the smarts to get into Auburn. Watch for the Falcons to soar.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Friday, December 30: The Cheetos Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Michigan vs. Florida State

This is another name program matchup, but at least it's in a major bowel. Coach Jack Harbaugh's Wolverines played great defense all year but stumbled late and their coach didn't seem to take it well. Last I saw he was mumbling about how much he wanted to ride the Florida State horsey. Meanwhile FSU started a French guy at quarterback and that's not what you want to do against a fierce front four.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Saturday, December 31: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). LSU vs. the St. Louisville Cardinals

Coach Ogre's ascension to the LSU head coach job means we're learning that there are some people out there harder to understand than Coach Miles. The Cardinals batted their way to victory against numerous foes behind exciting quarterback Lamar Jackson, but they haven't faced the defensive depth of the Bayou Bengals. While LSU is like Dracula because they suck the most at night, this is a day game.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Saturday, December 31: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky

Georgia Tech actually was in the SEC back in the day before moving on to easier times in the ACC. Kentucky probably wishes they'd made the same move, but only in football. Watch Coach Johnson ramrod his way through the Kentucky defense.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Tech

Saturday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Washington vs. Alabama

So the BS system has lined up the Pac-8 champion in some previously minor game in a dome in Atlanta against the SEC champion. I prefer the good old days, when Washington would go to Pasadena and beat up on some slow Big Ten team and Alabama would lose to Notre Dame yet claim yet another national title.

As for the game, Coach Peterson will be sending out his thetan friends to try to stymie the Tide, but that sort of stuff doesn't work against the black magic of Nick Satan. Look for the Tide to roll.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Saturday, December 31: The BattleFrog Electrocution Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Clemson vs. Ohio State

This will be a tense game between two teams featuring coaches with great offensive minds and outstanding dual threat quarterbacks. But the real excitement will be at the pregame tailgates, where the Tiger and Buckeye fans will finish off the Fiesta Bowel blood drive by slashing each other with broken whiskey bottles. My money's on the Buckeyes on the field and off.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio State

Monday, January 2: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Florida vs. Iowa

Florida and Iowa seem to meet up fairly often in bowel games, they're kind of like the North Carolina and Kansas of college football, except without all the high stakes. Florida started slow then ground to a halt the last couple weeks. The Huckeyes started slow then picked things up in November. Normally that would mean the edge goes to Iowa, but I'm smelling gators, and it's not something I ate.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Monday, January 2: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Western Michigan vs. Wisconsin

There are cinderellas and then there are cinderellas. I don't know if Western Michigan has played in a stateside warm weather bowel ever. And, given that this game is in Dallas, that streak will continue.

The Badgers have played an incredibly tough schedule, with narrow losses to 3 of the top 6 teams. The boat rowers won't stand a chance against the Chryst figure walking on what amounts to water in Dallas.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Monday, January 2: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Tampax (Pasadena, California). Penn State vs. Southern Cal

Coach McKay is one of my favorite people up here. Oh, the stories he can tell about coaching an expansion team that started off 0-26, not to mention all his great tailbacks at USC, and the origins of "Student Body Right". But he's also an incredibly funny guy. You'd think he'd be a bit thin-skinned but he's got the world's best collection of OJ Simpson jokes, like "what do OJ and Pee Wee Herman have in common? They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones". I didn't get the joke, I don't even know who this Pee Wee Herman is, but I laughed anyway because I figure Coach McKay might know some of the late Song Girls and could hook me up.

Everyone is saying that Penn State has made a remarkable turnaround, which is kind of how they got into trouble in the first place. I don't see the Lions making it much past halftime in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Monday, January 2: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Oklahoma vs. Auburn

Big Game Bob Stoops has won something like 13 conference titles in the last 10 years and lost 14 BS bowel games in the same timespan. Meanwhile the Tigers are up then down then up then down, kind of like Mrs. Malzahn's serotonin levels. I think the Auburn defense keeps this one close but the Sooners will pull this one out late.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma