December 9, 2017

Well, this year's football season went by in a flash. It seemed like just yesterday when we were all wondering whether the St. Louisville Cardinals would make the BS playoffs and whether my Pitt Panthers would challenge for the ACC title. Both teams fell a bit short this time, but we had plenty of other exciting teams and players to watch.

Up here things were a bit slower than usual. You can only watch Coach Hayes throw furniture around so many times before it gets tired. Whoo boy was he mad about the BS playoff rankings. It didn't help that his rival, Coach Bryant, saw his Crimson Tide beat out the Buckeyes for the last spot. Bear is pretty imperturable, he just stood there and talked really slowly in that drawl of his, "Coach Hayes, I realize you're pretty upset, but I don't think that Barcalounger was on the playoff committee". That just got Woody angrier as he struggled to lift the recliner, so instead he just started kicking it, then stubbed his toe and hopped around on one foot out of the room. Then Bear just chuckled and said "I had that chair nailed down this morning so he'd pull a muscle trying to pick it up".

Woody got his revenge the next day though, Bear woke up to find a decapitated elephant in his bed. Not an actual formerly living elephant, actually it was just one of those stuffed Alabama ones, but it was the Bear's favorite good luck charm, so he's kind of hot about it. As I've said before, Bear's in pretty good with the higher ups here so Woody better hope the payback is just a prank or else he may disappear that way JoePa did. And, once again, I still don't know where JoePa is. Been over five years and still nobody's seen him around here.

The good thing is that, after a slight lull, we are now ready for my favorite part of the year, bowel season. There were so many 6-loss boxcar teams this year that they didn't even have to invite any 5-7 teams. That's one of my favorite things, widespread college football mediocrity, we'll be celebrating it for the next few weeks and I can't wait!

Here is my preview of all the bowels:

Saturday, December 16: The Salivation Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). North Carolina A&T vs. Grumbling

There are a bunch of schools with letter names. So you have quite a few A&Ms, some A&Ts like North Carolina, Texas A&I, and even one T&A, also known as UCLA. As was the case last year, the big contest will be the band showdown at halftime. As for the game, I can never pick against Coach Eddie's school.

Beeno's Pick: Grumbling

Saturday, December 16: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Troy vs. North Texas

I must give credit to the Men of Troy for playing multiple post season games, they get prepared for bowel season better than anyone this side of a colonoscopy clinic. Expansion state North Texas is noted for their offense but not their defense. I'm just hoping North Texas legend Phyllis George is at the game. She's like 68 now, so if you use that magic formula where you take the age, subtract 7, and double it, she's just about old enough for Beeno now. Well, except that that "she's still alive" angle.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Saturday, December 16: The Vatican Curio Bowel (Orlando, Florida). West Kentucky vs. Georgia State

It's not quite the same as USC's men of Troy, but UGA's JV team is pretty good in its own right and will get to play in a bowel and get ready to help out the varsity next season. West Kentucky has continued to succeed long after Jack Harbaugh left for Stanford. Neither team is great on the offensive side of the ball, so in this case the term "boxcar bowel" probably reflects that the score after four quarters will be 6-6.

Beeno's Pick: West Kentucky

Saturday, December 16: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Boys' State vs. Oregon

Oregon keeps on changing coaches. I haven't seen so many Beavers swapped out since the debut of "Rod Jeremy's Pokefest 2002". They've now promoted that Mario Cristo guy whose dad used to wrap things like the Statue of Liberty in cloth then knock it over and dress up in gorilla suits to freak out Charlton Heston.

These two schools have a bitter history, the last time they played Oregon's running back punched out one of the troubled youths at Boys' State. This time I predict less punching and more scoring.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Saturday, December 16: The Montezuma Mexican Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Marshall vs. Colorado State

This is another reason why I love bowel season - you get unusual mascot matchups, like the Rams vs. the Thundering Nerds. At least Colorado State isn't like the NFL's Cleveland Rams, who keep on moving. In fact, Marshall is kind of like the NFL Rams, they keep on moving between leagues, from the Southern Conference to the Mid-American to Conference UFO to the Sun Belt and now to the SEC Northeast.

Beeno's Pick: Colorado State

Saturday, December 16: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Middle Tennessee vs. R Kansas State

Middle Tennessee confuses me because they, like so many teams these days, keep switching leagues. There's like a big blob of mid major southern state schools that show up in various conferences, title games, and bowels. Meanwhile R Kansas State keeps on changing coaches even faster than Oregon. So both teams confuse me, but only one can win.

Beeno's Pick: R Kansas State

Tuesday, December 19: The Mar-a-Lago Boca Raton Bowel (Fort Lauderdale, Florida). Akorn vs. Florida Atlantic

Florida Atlantic dominated league rivals Florida International, Florida Gulf Coast, Florida Pacific, and Florida Persian Gulf. Meanwhile Akorn got pummeled in the MAC title game. In this game you've got two coaching legends, Tommy Bowden and Monte Kiffin. I go with the veteran and expect Akorn to get the full Monte.

Beeno's Pick: Florida Atlantic

Wednesday, December 20: Rice a Roni Bowel (Frisco, Texas). La Tech vs. SMU

I guess it's better that Lou's son Skip Holtz is the one coaching a bunch of Frenchmen. They'd get so confused by Lou's spitting in pregame speeches that they'd probably pull out the white flag. SMU is another school that keeps on changing coaches. But their biggest problem is a porous defense that even the Frogs can dominate. However, I think the Mustangs will be able to run up some points. Speaking of SMU and horsies, has anyone seen the Pony? I miss the Pony.

Beeno's Pick: SMU

Thursday, December 21: The Barney Ruble Bowel (St. Petersburg, Russia). Temple vs. Florida International

Temple also keeps on changing leagues. I am surprised that they continue to play games before sundown on Saturdays, but this is a Thursday game so it shouldn't be a big deal. Florida International had a nice little coaching coup, they were able to land Tennessee's coach after he got fired, so welcome Butch Jones to the world of football playing exchange students!

Beeno's Pick: Temple

Friday, December 22: The Poopeye Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Bahamas). Alabama Birmingham vs. Ohio

It's got to be pretty exciting for Ohio kids to go to the Bahamas. It certainly isn't like the old days for Coach Solich with the Nebraska Cornholio, going to San Antonio for the Alamo Bowl most years. Alabama Birmingham has made a fine comeback after dropping football for two years, becoming bowel eligible in their first season back. Two years to bowel eligibility is faster than most people after a colostomy.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio

Friday, December 22: The Ore-Ida Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Seaman U vs. Wyoming

It's always exciting to watch the Navel Academy trainees of Seaman U compete in bowel games. Wyoming has a very fine quarterback in Marcus Allen's son Josh. They likely will be able to march up and down the blue turf in Boise with ease.

Beeno's Pick: Wyoming

Saturday, December 23: The JRR Tolkien Bowel (Birmingham, England). Texas Tech vs. South Florida

There's going to be some communication issues in this one. They don't speak much English in South Florida and Texan English is only slightly related to the Queen's English so there may be some confusion. Former Texas coach Charlie Strong will get to take it out on his SWC rival Texas Tech. Meanwhile we'll see if Tech coach Kliff Kingsbury can set aside his underwear modeling career to work on his team's defense.

Beeno's Pick: South Florida

Saturday, December 23: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). SDSU vs. Army

I'm really glad that Army is making such a great comeback to prominence. While they're not quite at the levels they were during the Blanchard/Davis glory years, their coach from back then, Red Blaik, is starting to show up to hang out and watch games with us. That does upset Coach Leahy a bit, he's still sore about that 59-0 game in '44. SDSU is in this new Mountain West league. From what I've seen, they're the best team in ages to come from South Dakota.

Beeno's Pick: SDSU

Saturday, December 23: The Oscar De La Hoya GoneDaddyGone.com Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Appalachian State vs. Toledo

This is a matchup of two powerhouse offenses. And the mascots are outstanding too - the Mountain Men vs. the Mud Rockets. Both schools also upset Michigan back in the day, which is one of many things that Coach Hayes reminds Coach Schembechler about when they're arguing. As for the game, I'm picking the northern team.

Beeno's Pick: Toledo

Sunday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Fresno State vs. Houston

Marshall Applewhite's son Major has left Comet Hale-Bopp and is now heading to Hawaii. I'm not sure where his father is, he never showed up around here, for all I know he's still riding the comet. As for Fresno, it's great to see former Cal coach Ted Ford back in coaching. I think he gets a big win here.

Beeno's Pick: Fresno State

Tuesday, December 26: The Perineum of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Western Virginia vs. U.T.A.H.

Playing in Dallas is a major home field advantage for the University of Texas at Houston. Another major factor is that Western Virginia's quarterback is out with a hand injury. Given that I'm going with the pride of the Loan Star State.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H.

Tuesday, December 26: The Quickie Lane Glory Hole Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Duke vs. Northern Illinois

Okay, Quickie Lane Glory Hole, that sure is a weird sponsor. I'm not sure what a glory hole is, I do think I recall coach Corso talking about them but he never made much sense to me anyway. Duke has had a lot of offensive struggles so, like their basketball team, they will be firing up 3 point field goals. Northern Illinois is a solid defensive team, so, as always, there won't be much scoring in Detroit.

Beeno's Pick: Duke

Tuesday, December 26: The StubHub TicketCity Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Kansas City State vs. U.C.L.A.

UCLA has a great quarterback in Josh Rosen and now they've acquired the services of Coach B Kelly's wrapper brother, C Kelly. KCSU also has a coaching legend in Bruce Snyder, who is now 80 years young. I think his team's defensive prowess slows down Rosen just enough for the win.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Wednesday, December 27: The Preferred Walk-On Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Ole Southern Miss vs. Florida State

Florida State is led by interim coach Odell Beckham Haggins, but it will be tough for the Noles as their French quarterback, Deondre Francois, is still injured. Meanwhile I believe that Ole Southern Miss legend Brett Faver still has one year of eligibility left, though I don't think he fits into his jeans let alone his uniform anymore. I expect FSU to get revenge for Brett's big win in 1989.

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Wednesday, December 27: Derek Jeter's Pinstriped Bowels (New York, New York). Iowa vs. Boston College

The Iowa Huckeyes pounded Ohio State, then played poorly and lost to Wisconsin and Purdue. Boston College is another turnaround story like Alabama-Birmingham, coming back after dropping football. But by the end of game Frodo will be slumped over like he's fishing in Lake Tahoe.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa

Wednesday, December 27: The Foster Brooks Bowel (Santa Clara, California). Arizona vs. Purdue

A matchup of great offensive coaches and no defense will make for a fun bowel. Arizona features Khalil Tate who, as I noted, is Golden Tate's nephew and Tate Forcier's son, so should be familiar to Purdue folks. I do like what Jeff Broom, the new Purdue coach, is doing, but I think he should go old school and grow a Tiller-style mustache. I think the Wildcats will have just a bit more explosiveness in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Wednesday, December 27: The Enron Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Texas vs. Missouri

It seems every bowl is one extreme or the other -- two great offenses or two great defenses. This one is on the offensive side. It will be an exciting showdown between the Big 8 and the Southwest Conference. It's a really tough call but I think Missouri will pull this out late.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Thursday, December 28: The Visualize Whirled Peas Militia Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Virginia vs. Navy

Playing in Annapolis is kind of unfair, it's really a home game for the gobblin seamen. Virginia will be prepared though, behind Bronko Nagurski's grandson Mendenhall. I predict a lot of last-second pitchouts and a home team victory.

Beeno's Pick: Navy

Thursday, December 28: The Camper Van Beethoven Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Virginia Tech vs. Oklahoma State

Virginia Tech hasn't lost a beat since Coach Beaner left, though they may have met their match in the "I'm 50" Mullet guy. Oklahoma State's quarterback Mason Rudolph is a joy to watch and he can play some football too. I think they win this one fairly decisively.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Thursday, December 28: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Stanford vs. TCU

I don't think Horny Toads like trees very much so the mascot matchup could get ugly, at least until the tree retaliates by stomping the toads. Stanford is led by all-everything back Bruce Love while TCU specializes in defense. I predict a lot of hard hitting, a low score, and a lot of fans dozing off.

Beeno's Pick: Stanford

Thursday, December 28: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Michigan State vs. Washington State

This will be another chance for the Fighting Pirates coach Rick Leach to play against one of his college rivals, the Michigan State Fighting Chippewas. While Michigan State had some great upset wins against schools like Michigan and Penn State, Wazzu knocked off USC and Stanford. So it's the battle of the upset specialists and I predict a late game-winning TD for Washington State.

Beeno's Pick: Washington State

Friday, December 29: The Wal-Mart Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). Wake Forest vs. Texas A&M

This bowel has now been expanded to include teams from out of state. A&M went out and changed coaches after the regular season ended, hiring Florida State's head man Jim Bob Fisher. Wake Forest hasn't been good since Billy Packer was there and I don't think that was even the same sport.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Friday, December 29: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Arizona State vs. North Carolina State

NC State looked powerful in SEC East then they collapsed. Arizona State got better, then they fired their coach, then hired the guy behind the most famous Meadowlands fumble not involving a lineman's butt. So both teams are kind of crawling into the bowel, which sounds pretty scary when you think about it.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina State

Friday, December 29: The Kenny G Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Kentucky vs. Northwestern

There should be a big crowd for this Wildcat vs. Wildcat game, it's a short drive for Kentucky fans coming in from Lexington. And it will be an even shorter drive for the Northwestern fans as Evansville is only 150 miles away from Nashville. Northwestern kept winning overtime games in spite of all the weird overtime rules they keep on changing to confuse me. Meanwhile Kentucky beat up on weak expansion state teams like East Kentucky, East Michigan, and Missouri.

Beeno's Pick: Northwestern

Friday, December 29: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). New Mexico State vs. U.T.A.H. State

It's exciting for New Mexico State to finally make a bowel for the first time since Ike was president. Okay, I think I replaced my bowel a few times since Ike was president. The University of Texas at Houston State Aggies have had a really nice run of their own, they've become a consistent bowel team, which is what I was after my first bowel replacement, consistent.

Beeno's Pick: U.T.A.H. State

Friday, December 29: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Southern Cal vs. Ohio State

So this is like the Rose Bowel except played on the Texas State fairgrounds. These two schools played some classics in Pasadena, with memorable stars like OJ, Rex Kern, JJ McKay (his Dad made me mention him), Charles White, and Art Schlichter (Coach Hayes told me not to mention Art, but it's fun to see Woody get mad).

There will be a great quarterback matchup between Sam D. Arnold, the son of Tom and Roseanne Arnold, and JT Barrett, the son of legendary musician Syd Barrett. Sam's lard diet will prove to be healthier than Syd's son's blotter acid.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Saturday, December 30: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). The St. Louisville Cardinals vs. Mississippi State

Mississippi State had a bad close to the season, losing their QB and their coach. The Cardinals started off really slowly, but seemed to right themselves the final three weeks, batting around against the Virginia Hokies, the Syracuse Orange Testicles, and Kentucky. This one looks like a complete mismatch, which means that the short-handed underdog will rise up and pull off the upset. Nah, just kidding. The pride of Busch Stadium in a rout.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville Cardinals

Saturday, December 30: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Iowa State vs. Memphis

Iowa State has really been up and down this year. Upset wins over Oklahoma and the TCU Horny Toads along with upset losses to Western Virginia, Iowa, and Kansas City State. Memphis has a great offense and should do well at home against a team from the defense-optional Big Eight.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Saturday, December 30: The Nintendo PlayStation Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Washington vs. Penn State

Here is another substitute Rose Bowel. Apparently the Big Ten and Pac-8 are pretty sore about being booted from the Rose Bowel this year for the BS playoff game. I'm guessing the Rose Bowel won't be pleased either once Colorado Boulevard is covered with tobacco stains. So it seems the leagues are creating substitute Rose Bowel matchups, which is why you have the Washington State Fighting Pirates against the Michigan State Fighting Chippewas, Ohio State against Southern Cal, and Penn State playing Washington in the desert.

As for the game, I suspect Sasquatch Barkley will do more damage to the Washington Thetans than Xenu on a bender.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Saturday, December 30: The Cheetos Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Miami vs. Wisconsin

I'm not sure when Miami joined the Pac-8, but expansion has been getting out of control of late. At least this is a good matchup, especially because both schools were once run by Bowser's mom, Donna Sha-na-na. The Canes are trying to return to relevance after a rough few years and the Badgers just keep on hooking up those lard IVs and running the ball down folks' throats. While this is a home game for Miami, I don't think they'll be ready for the pounding they'll take. There will also be a football game.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Monday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Michigan vs. USC

I don't mind seeing these Big Ten/Pac 8 matchups all week long, but I'm not sure why the Trojans would want to play so many post season games. I asked my good friend Coach Bud Wilkinson why someone would want to play in three different bowels, but he just made a weird face and said "that's really gross, Beeno" and walked away.

Coach Jack Harbaugh is making the news of late as his university has been approaching folks from Oxford to come to their university. Though I was a bit surprised that it wasn't the Oxford in England, but rather the Oxford that hosts Ole Southern Miss. Supposedly they want to improve the talent on campus. I've been to Anne Arbor. If they want to improve the talent on campus they'd be recruiting some of those sundress wearing Mississippi sorority girls.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Monday, January 1: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Central Florida vs. Auburn

Coach Frost has already accepted the job with the Nebraska Cornholio, but he's sticking around to lead UCF against the Auburn Tigers. Auburn had a disappointing finish in the SEC title game and Coach Malzahn has been dogged by rumors about replacing Coach Butthead in the R Kansas job. So both teams could be pretty distracted, which probably means a high scoring four hour game that should be very entertaining for the 10,000 hungover people who bother to show up.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Monday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). LSU vs. Notre Dame

Both these teams had big ups and downs this year. The Irish played Georgia tough then lost late to Miami and Stanford. LSU lost some tough ones early then won 6 of their last 7. So now they collide in an exhibition game not far from Mickey Mouse. While Coach Ogre could double for an animatronic Disney villain, Coach B Kelly probably would be checking out the fine ladies visiting Epcot.

While I've always said that LSU is like Dracula, they always suck the most at night, in this case I think they'll suck in the daytime too.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Monday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Northwestern University (Pasadena, California). Georgia vs. Oklahoma

Finally one of (Nick) Satan's minions has had some success (well, other than Coach Kiffin acquiring that wife until she got to know him better and left). Coach Smart has done a great job getting the Bulldogs through a tough schedule and they're in the national championship conversation for the first time since the days of Herschel Walker.

Oklahoma has had a lot more success of late under Coach Stoops. So hordes of Georgia and Oklahoma fans will descend on the Southland for the parade and this contest. I expect quite a shootout in Pasadena then I expect a fine football game. I give a slight edge to the team with the better quarterback. I expect Baker Mayfield to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, throw the ball deep, then grab himself. And that will be just in the warmups.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Monday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Alabama vs. Clemson

This is the rubber match between these two top-notch rivals. We've got two fantastic defensive lines and a lot of skill position talent all over the field. Coach Sweeney has built a powerhouse program that reloaded even after the departure of DeShaun Watson. Meanwhile Coach Nick Satan's black magic has never stopped working.

As for the game, I expect a defensive struggle and more than a few turnovers, so nothing as exciting as last January's championship matchup. Coach Satan's head will be spinning 360 degrees after this one.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson